Teleplay by Sean Gray & Will Smith
Story by Armando Iannucci & Sean Gray & Will Smith
Directed by Chris Addison
"You might even see me cry today, and for once, it's not about work." - Mike
To court potential caucus voters, Selina signs copies of her new autobiography, Some New Beginnings: Our Next American Journey, at an Iowa bookstore. Meanwhile, the rest of Selina's staff attends Mike's wedding. "I can't believe Selina chose not to be here," Gary laments. "I told Sue to put ‘wedding' in her calendar in bold, cap letters. I mean, we took type size to a limit."
Dan explains to Amy that he's only being nice to her because he's confident Selina will make him manager of her presidential campaign. Amy reminds him there's no campaign until the president announces he's stepping down, a fact which frustrates Dan to no end. "Unless POTUS is chiseling his f*cking statement out of marble," he huffs, "I don't get it!" Gary shushes Dan, reminding him that Mike's bride Wendy is a reporter and the press is everywhere.
"I've been a reporter for 18 years. If anything breaks, I promise I will put it into the vows." - Wendy
Amy gets word of a "rumor of a rumor" that's got the White House "buzzing like a fly in a shit house." Wendy greets her and Dan with a giant glass bowl to collect everyone's phones until after the ceremony. Dan pulls a second, secret phone from his pocket and tells Amy that the rumor has something to do with a big announcement from Secretary of Defense Maddox.
"Poor Rick Cowgill. He was a four-foot, 11-inch stick of dynamite." - Selina
Selina tires of the signing and tells her Gary stand-in, Richard, to make up an excuse so she can leave. Back at her hotel, Selina gets a visit from Ben, who's on his way to Congressman Rick Cowgill's funeral. They discuss Selina's impending presidential campaign, and she asks Ben whether she should make Dan or Amy her campaign manager. Ben insists she hire Bill Ericsson, who's famous for getting difficult candidates elected. "It should be easier for you," he explains. "You actually have a personality, and you never groped waitresses." Ericsson is attending Cowgill's funeral, so Ben invites her to attend.
"I run a gossiptainment site, and this is very gossiptaining." - Jonah
Jonah arrives at Mike's wedding -- he wasn't invited but gave a lift to a guest whose car broke down. He runs into Dan in the men's room and accidentally reveals he's the brains behind WestWingMan.net -- the "hottest gossip site in D.C."
Mike rounds up the Eisenhower gang for a photo -- excluding Jonah. As the photographer takes the picture, Amy finds out what the "rumor of rumor" is about: "Shit on my tits!" she shouts. "Maddox just resigned!" Chaos ensues as everyone scrambles for their phones. Jonah notices the Veep's team is particularly panicked; he takes a picture of the scramble and uploads it to WestWingMan.net, suggesting that Maddox may be running for president. Back at the White House, Kent orders his staffers to uncover who WestWingMan is: "FYI, it may not be his real name."
"Excuse me, I'm about to be brilliant." - Dan
Dan explains to a clueless Jonah the error of his post: POTUS hasn't announced that he isn't running for reelection, and Jonah has now let the cat out of the bag. Finally absorbing the gravity of the situation, Jonah asks Dan, "What's Google's number?" Dan shrugs. "I don't know. Ask Jeeves?"
Selina attends Cowgill's funeral, where she's cornered by Blake Stewart, a former presidential nominee who lost disastrously a decade prior. They're approached by Cowgill's nephew, who now wants Selina to give the closing remarks at the funeral instead of Blake. "I'm a terrible speaker anyway," he acknowledges. "That's how I lost 49 states."
"All my orgasms have come at once." - Selina
At the White House, Kent fires Jonah for running a news blog while working in office and, more importantly, because he single-handedly forced POTUS to announce that he's not running for reelection. "The party is over, Mr. WestWingMan," Kent says. "There's a dead guy in the pool, and that dead guy is you."
Ben informs Selina that Ericsson left the funeral for D.C. once the Maddox news broke. Selina orders Richard to supply her with a couple facts about Cowgill for her closing remarks. After successfully eulogizing the late congressman, Ben delivers wonderful news to Selina: Maddox canceled his announcement because POTUS is about to make "the big one."
Dan calls to boast that Selina has him to thank for POTUS finally stepping down; he forwarded Jonah's post to every hack in D.C. Hoping to bank on the Veep's good favor, Dan pitches himself for campaign manager. But Selina, with her eyes firmly on Ericsson, ignores his request.