Winner of 17 Emmys
Veep
7 SeasonS | 65 Episodes | TV-MA
Julia Louis-Dreyfus is the Vice President of the United States in this hilarious HBO comedy series. Each episode follows her whirlwind day-to-day existence as she puts out political fires, juggles public and private demands and defends the interests of the chief executive--with whom she shares a uniquely dysfunctional relationship.
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus Looks Back on Veep’s Legacy
The star discusses filming the final season, Selina Meyer’s “outrageous” journey and what she’ll miss most as the series comes to an end.
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Midterms
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Directed by</b> Christopher Morris<br /><b>Teleplay by </b>Will Smith<br /><b>Story</b> <b>by</b> Armando Iannucci & Will Smith</p><p><b>"Tonight is going to be a plane crash shoving a train wreck onto a crowded highway." - Dan </b></p><p>Selina campaigns across the country for the Midterm elections, drawing lively crowds for candidates including nemeses Danny Chung and Roger Furlong, Ohio's gubernatorial hopeful. But Selina's successful campaign visits don't translate to election night victory. Selina blames POTUS for the grim results and decides it's time he honored his ticket promises to her: "I want more responsibilities in infrastructure and education reform...I want a Cartier f****** dildo."</p><p>In order to confront POTUS about assuming more responsibility, Selina asks Gary for the Miami Sunburst lipstick her stylist recommended to offset the morose atmosphere in the in Oval Office. "Come 2 a.m., my eyes will say 'holocaust' but my lips will say 'carnival.'"</p><p>Mike gives a statement to the press, informing them Selina will not be doing the morning news shows. A reporter asks him if she's deserting a sinking ship -- a crack at the leaky boat he's trying to sell on eBay that's draining him financially.</p><p>Selina finds Ben, the Chief of Staff, hiding in a supply closet fearing for his job. She asks for advice on how to assume more of a leadership role in the White House and he directs her to senior strategist Kent Davison, the Pol Pot of pie charts, who forced her to fake a happy relationship with her ex-husband during the election. "He made us go river rafting together. Catherine got giardia!"</p><p><b>"You know what they call guys like you in prison? Sweet meat." - Roger Furlong</b></p><p>Furlong calls Dan to threaten him with jail time if he loses the gubernatorial bid and return to his chairmanship on the Congressional Oversight Committee. He blames Selina for his poor performance and wants to launch an investigation on her office for revenge. "You're gonna have to prepare to be gay for the stay because you're going down." However, the threat of prison doesn't last long: Jonah announces they've lost the House later that night -- meaning Furlong's no longer Chairman and doesn't have the power to send Dan to jail.</p><p><b>"If you're not at the table, you're probably on the menu. And I will not be eaten." - Selina</b></p><p>Selina goes to Kent and attempts to persuade him to "reposition" her to a role with more power. Lacking any respect for Selina's job, Kent's refuses to help her. He's crunched the numbers and they taste pretty bland to him. Worried about Kent's attitude, Selina tells her staff she's concerned he'll try to get between her and POTUS like a thick rubber condom. She needs their help getting "unprotected access to the Oval Office."</p><p><b>"I can feel my virginity growing back in here." - Dan </b></p><p>Selina and Dan stumble upon Jonah's stat-nerds who tell them Selina's campaign visits always lead to a bump for the candidate -- even trumping POTUS. With this new information, Selina heads to the Oval Office believing Kent's there with the President. But when she arrives, she finds only Kent, who's spread a rumor that POTUS is awake and leading so people don't think he's given up.</p><p>The stat-nerd arrives with Dan at the Oval Office to deliver Selina's campaign data -- it turns out her lead over POTUS is a meager 0.9%. Dan and Kent discuss the value of the statistic, angering Selina who refuses to let Kent use her as a prop again. An argument ensues and a panicked Gary, who's been unable to find the Miami Sunburst lipstick, intervenes with a substitute that Selina accidentally smacks into Kent's eye. In the ensuing chaos, the lipstick is trod into the Presidential seal on the Oval Office carpet.</p><p><b>"I need that stuff that junkies use, you know, when it takes a cop like fifteen bullets to put him down." - Selina</b></p><p>Exhausted and feeling defeated, Selina returns to her office to find that the President has actually called. Ben tells her POTUS acknowledged her 0.9% and is giving her an enhanced role in foreign policy -- she's got a sit down with a Senate committee in two hours about a hostage situation in Uzbekistan. Kent also stops by -- POTUS wants her to do the morning news shows in the wake of the disastrous Midterms: "You will be the face of our failure." Despite being "exhaustipated," Kent's got her booked for 27 interviews.</p><p>Overly done-up and delirious, Selina settles in front of the camera and complains to Mike: "I'm about to enter a national ass-kicking contest with no legs and a massive ass."</p></div>
Signals
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Directed by</b> Chris Addison<br><b>Teleplay by</b> Simon Blackwell<br><b>Story by </b>Simon Blackwell & Armando Iannucci</p><p><b>"They want me to go to a pig roast, to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to f*** the pig before they roasted it?" - Selina</b></p><p>Empowered by the premise of a bigger role in the White House, Selina confronts Kent about his decision not to intervene in the Uzbekistan hostage situation. Ever a slave to the polls, he insists on inaction until the numbers support it. He leaves Jonah to inform Selina she'll be unable to attend the National Security meeting he promised her. POTUS wants her on the ground at a North Carolina pig-pickin' as part of their new Listen to Rural America Program, "U.S. Hey!" Selina insists she'll be at the security meeting, even if she has "to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time."</p><p>En route to the hog roast, Gary informs Selina their world just ended: Somebody wiki-leaked their secret signals to a tabloid, and now Gary has to brainstorm a new exit strategy so Selina doesn't get "stuck talking pig s*** with people who use hay as furniture." Gary suggests rubbing her eyebrow, but Selina worries people will think she has crabs.</p><p><b>"It's your daughter. She's fine, but she's done something that will make you want to kill her." - Mike</b></p><p>Mike learns that an essay Catherine wrote for a film class leaked to the blogosphere. It praises the "masterly portrayal of brutal Israeli aggression" in Emad Burnat's "Five Broken Cameras" about nonviolent Palestinian resistance to Israeli settlement of the West Bank. Back in DC, Amy and Dan scramble to get out "the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking say-nothing bull****."</p><p><b>"If this were the sixties, we could just have the National Guard shoot the daughter." - Kent Davison</b></p><p>Kent, concerned about the combination of family strife and the Middle East, orders Jonah to get Catherine to apologize. Selina gets her daughter on FaceTime and tries to sweet talk her into apologizing, but the conversation sours when she spots Rahim, Catherine's Iranian boyfriend, in the background. Catherine accuses her of having a problem with his nationality and then hangs up, refusing to apologize for the essay. Selina orders Mike to get on a chopper and bring Catherine back to the air base, along with some towels: she may need to "daughterboard" her.</p><p>Later, Kent sees Selina on TV voicing solidarity with the Jewish people in front of rotating pork. He calls on Mike to "de-pork the visual," but since he's at the air base with Catherine, he's forced to call on Jonah for assistance. Jonah works "security detail" by bending over and blocking the pig behind her.</p><p><b>"You're about as annoying as a condom filled with fire ants." - Furlong</b></p><p>Roger Furlong's in town trying to make nice for a possible Senate run and has spent the day trying to get a hold of Selina. Denied at every turn, his patience is worn thin by the time he approaches Sue. When she denies him an appointment, he flies into a rage, threatening to release dirt he has on Selina. "I've got boxes and boxes on Selina Meyer, you understand me? I've got Pandora's f****** boxes on her!<b></b></p><p>Meanwhile, Selina is unsuccessfully trying to escape the feared pig s*** conversation by frantically rubbing her eyebrows. Gary, unaware they were using the signal, doesn't catch it in time. When Selina reprimands him and insists they're using the signal, he proudly reveals his girlfriend Dana thought of it. With horror, it dawns on him that she was the source of the leak.</p><p><b>"When would I have time to see a film? I haven't even been able to see that wonderful movie with the blue people in it." - Selina</b></p><p>At the air base, Selina argues with Catherine about apologizing for the essay. She tells her it could cost her the pro-Israel contingency and subsequently Florida's 29 electoral votes in two years, and then "mommy's out of a job." Cathefrine agrees to apologize if Selina lets her spend part of Thanksgiving break with Rahim.</p><p>While Selina grills Rahim about his family and career goals, Gary interrupts with an actual call from General Mercer. He wants to know if she'll be back for the meeting or if they should start without her. To Kent's chagrin, Selina arranges to video conference with them from the plane. Disappointments continue aboard Air Force Two as Mike, after talking to Rahim about his crushing student loans, reflects on his own depressing financial reality. Gary, depressed about the signal leak, learns he's failed Selina even further after she removes her cowboy hat to reveal Bozo-esque hat hair - she'll look ridiculous for the security meeting.</p></div>
Hostages
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Directed by</b> Chris Addison<br><b>Teleplay by </b>Sean Gray<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci & Sean Gray</p><p><b>"He knows I've got a bigger role in the White House now which means I got a bigger d*** which means he can suck it. I'm so happy about that." – Selina</b></p><p>Selina is distressed to see Sean Penn is doing more about the hostage situation than the White House. The cause is close to her heart because the hostages are all about her daughters age. To shock DC into action, Dan rewrites the speech she's going to give at the Marine base that afternoon. He has her calling for a robust response, which is subtle enough to still seem loyal to POTUS but will electrify DC. She and Dan express their surprise that the famously cantankerous Defense Secretary George Maddox hasn't said a word about her joining him at the Marine base for a visit.</p><p>Meanwhile, Cliff, Sue's fill-in while she testifies at the Congressional Hearing on Governmental Efficiency, arrives. Gary reminds him to take care of Selina: "VP stands for 'very precious.'"</p><p><b>"Here he is the man who can't take a leak without polling his balls." - Ben</b></p><p>An angry Ben confronts Kent about POTUS's decision not to strike. "I was talking to POTUS last night he had a pro-strike hawk boner the size of Jonah, and then YOU talk to him this morning and hes suddenly totally against the operation!" Kent stands by his cold numbers that dont support intervention, but Ben and Amy argue that the VP wants a quick military strike:"Precise and surgical like your lobotomy, Kent." He stands by his inaction, sharing his "noodle analogy;" hostage situations and cooking cup-a-noodles both require precision timing and neither should be rushed.</p><p><b>"I've fired a gun before. In anger, too, I might add. " - Secretary Maddox</b></p><p>At the base, Selina does a meet-and-greet with the marines before Secretary Maddox arrives. Dan steps in and takes over Selina's ear, simultaneously generating small talk and pissing off Gary.</p><p>While touring the base's shooting range, Secretary Maddox suggests Selina participate, thinking she'll look foolish. Taken aback, Selina consults her staff; Gary's worried she'll chip a veneer, but Dan thinks it'll "really chap Maddox's ass." Selina fires, and is praised for her tremendous shot.</p><p>Before Selina takes the podium, Maddox questions her decision not to consult him about her speech. "With this hostage situation, I dont think you have the intelligence. As in, Intel, of course." To prove his point, he asks her how many countries border Uzbekistan. To the surprise of both, Selina correctly guesses five.</p><p><b>"It's time to robust-a-nut all over this place." - Dan</b></p><p>Sue testifies at the efficiency hearing, but despite having been told to be dull, her scathing attitude takes over. Caught in a rare moment of insecurity, she accidentally uses the word "robust" three times. Back at the base, Selina takes the podium as Amy learns of Sue's slip. They scramble to come up with a new word to replace robust, but when Dan tells Gary he needs the Veep's ear, he denies him: "Get your own ear, Van Gogh." The next morning, a livid Selina learns that Sue stole her spotlight. Dan brings her a word cloud that shows robust front and center, along with a giant "Sue" and a miniscule "Selina."</p><p><b>"We all know the White House would work so much better if there wasn't a president, but there is." - Ben</b></p><p>After Maddox gives a speech calling for an "aggressive response," Ben calls a meeting to reprimand them and get everyone on the same page: they're now calling for a "calculated response." Kent interrupts to announce they can finally move on the hostages. Maddox offers the 6th or the 9th and Ben agrees they should move as early as possible for fear that POTUS will "procrasturbate forever" and change his mind. Selina agrees to the 6th once she confirms it's the same date as Sue's second hearing.</p><p><b>"I feel like that porn star who had to do 200 men in one day. At least she got to lie down, right?" - Selina</b></p><p>Amy confronts Selina about her choice of date, but Selina denies she's trying to overshadow Sue. When she confirms that Cliff cleared her calendar, she learns he made a "f*** up the size of France." He neglected to mention the senator swearing-in ceremony - which is immovable. The day of, Selina tries to suppress her nerves while swearing in thirty-three senators, but fails: her small talk is the worst anyone has heard. Afterwards, she rushes to the "shituation room" - a glorified closet patching her into the real Situation Room. The rescue mission is successful - and Sue coverage gets wiped off the news map.</p><p>Later, Jonah delivers the mission evaluation to Selina. All the hostages were recovered unharmed, though a Marine sergeant, due to be rotated out on the 8th, lost his leg above the knee. She realizes with horror that had she not insisted on the 6th to eclipse Sue, the Marine would be fine.</p></div>
The Vic Allen Dinner
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Directed b</b>y Chris Addison<br><b>Written by</b> Simon Blackwell & Armando Iannucci</p><p><b>"You look concerned but steely - like a lady soldier." - Gary</b></p><p>Gary, Amy and Selina review photos of the hostage rescue Situation Room. Among them are terrible photos, showing Ben with his large coffee thermos as well as the President looking particularly jowly.</p><p>Dan attempts to get an invitation to join Kent's new demographic study team, Dream Metric, but Kent snubs his offer to share strategy ideas. Mike, however, piques Kent's interest when he makes a sailing quip - he has a catamaran himself: "I have no children, and I wish for none, but she's my family." Dan sees an opportunity to schmooze his way into Kent's good graces and mentions a time he went power boating on Lake Erie - which only disgusts Kent further.</p><p>Selina arrives at the office to find everyone in the midst of damage control. The White House released a photo other than the good one she selected. In the new photo, Selina is shown looking distractedly down her nose at her phone. "It looks like I'm tweeting when a guy loses his leg!"</p><p><b>"I can't airbrush history, ma'am. I'm not Joseph Stalin." - Kent Davison</b></p><p>Knowing Kent's behind the photo fiasco and purposely trying to make her look bad, Selina storms into a meeting and demands an explanation. The switch, Kent insists, was because the other photos caught POTUS at unflattering angles, vis a vis jowls. Selina can't believe her ears: "That's how he looks! That's his face!" Kent refuses to alleviate the situation, however, and Selina throws her hands up and returns to work on her song about the new Speaker for the Vic Allen dinner that night, but Kent's got her there, too. He reminds her that they're in the midst of budget talks and reaching across the aisle, so POTUS doesn't want the Speaker mocked.</p><p><b>"What're you laughing about, Jolly Green Jizz-face?" - Selina</b></p><p><b></b>Jonah brings word that Selina's a meme. There are Photoshopped versions of the bad Situation Room photo, putting a distracted Selina at various historical events. Among them: Selina at the signing of the Declaration of Independence, with Mary Magdalene at the crucifixion, at the 2004 tsunami, and the moon landing.</p><p>Selina tasks "Rogers and Hammershit," (Mike and Dan) with writing a new song. Amy suggests that they write a song making fun of Kent, instead. "Make fun of ourselves, that's what he said." Selina agrees.</p><p><b>"You've been following me like Nancy Drew and his butt-sniffing dog, and I'm the one with nothing to do?" - Jonah</b></p><p>Mike, with the reluctant help of Dan, gets to work on "50 Ways to Win in Denver" - a parody of "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover." They're distracted after seeing Jonah walk by and decide to follow him to see what he does all day. When they confront him hiding in a supply closet, they discover he does nothing except try to look busy. Jonah's forced to admit that Kent's freezing him out, to Mike and Dan's delight. "You're obsolete. You're like an old VCR, but with a bigger mouth!"</p><p>Amy confronts Selina about unrest amongst the staff: Dan's bored, Sue's job hunting, and even Gary is unhappy - he feels that Selina's been picking on him since he started dating Dana. The news about Gary comes as a surprise: "He'd be happy if I shot him in the face. He would be. I've actually thought about it." Ever the problem solver, Selina learns that Sue is looking for more money so she buys her off. Amy suggests she invite Gary to dinner to show her appreciation.</p><p><b>"I'll tell you -- that's one Speaker I'd like to put on mute!" - Selina</b></p><p>At the Vic Allen dinner, Selina discusses the "joke truce" with the Speaker, who winds up breaking his promise not to joke about the photo anyway. Danny Chung and Selina have a strained conversation over who's more likely to be the next president based on their appeal to young voters, and attempts to prove his hipness with a beat-boxing performance. Selina holds her own, performing "50 Ways to Win in Denver" to an enthusiastic crowd. The only one who doesn't love it is Kent: "Keep smiling Mr. Ryan. I'm smiling falsely. So should you."</p><p><b>"Ma'am, your song last night made my lips curl. Upwards." - Kent Davison</b></p><p>The next morning, Kent gets revenge by asking to borrow Mike to help launch Dream Metric. In exchange for Mike, Kent will let her go to Europe in POTUS's stead for the signing of the Helsinki agreement. He also unloads Jonah on her, who promises to handle all new media and get her "major traction" on Reddit and Tumblr.</p><p>Later, aboard Air Force Two, Selina and the team deal with the backlash from European leaders who are pissed about the anti-European lyfrics she sings in a video of her "50 Ways" performance. Dan explains the video somehow made it to Reddit and Tumblr and exploded from there. Recognizing those words, Selina turns an icy stare on Jonah and orders him to "get the f*** off her plane."</p></div>
Helsinki
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Directed by</b> Becky Martin<br><b>Teleplay by</b> Ian Martin<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci & Ian Martin</p><p><b>"Yeah she's going to apologize to Europe...because it's right up there with the bubonic plague and the carpet bombing at Dresden." - Dan</b></p><p>On Air Force Two en route to Helsinki, Amy does damage control for Selina's "50 Ways" song, while Dan struggles in his role as the new Mike: "I don't want to be like Mike. Even Mike doesn't want to be like Mike." Selina covertly implores Gary to get her cigarettes. He protests, but she insists "I need my flaming red heads." Besides, she only smokes internationally.</p><p><b>"It's like a math prison; they rape you with numbers." - Mike</b></p><p>While Mike flounders on Kent's Dream Metrics team, Dan calls him for advice: "How do you do that Fozzie Bear, happy guy, wakka wakka bullshit to get the press to like you?" After revealing how to "McClintalk," Mike calls on Jonah for help with Dream Metric, promising to get him back in as the "Veep's resident creep" in return.</p><p><b>"Selina, are you looking for fifty ways to leave Helsinki?" - British reporter</b></p><p>After landing in Helsinki, Dan unsuccessfully tries his hand at being Mike with the waiting reporters. Selina notes the cold and hostile reception - "Are you sure we didn't overshoot and land in Russia in the 1950s?" Later, she meets Minna, the Finnish Prime Minister. She presents Minna with a book - "Freshwater Game Fish of North America" - based on information from her team that the Prime Minister enjoyed fishing. Selina receives an equally awkward gift - a cumbersome clock with an ‘Angry Bird' on its face.</p><p><b>"Christ, I hate knowledge." - Mike</b></p><p>Kent asks Mike to divert the media's attention away from the White House and towards Selina's Helsinki visit - but refuses to explain why. Exasperated, Ben exits from his hiding place in a nearby supply closet and reveals one of the Uzbekistan hostages was a spy - and the president knew it. Unfortunately, other people, like Selina didn't know, and she even went on record denying it.</p><p><b>"I'm the Vice President of the United States of America. He just squeezed my tit like a balloon." - Selina</b></p><p>Selina attends the Prime Minister's drinks reception. When Minna leaves to speak with the Finance Secretary, Selina joins Minna's husband Osmo outside for a smoke. Mid-conversation, Osmo reaches over and grabs one of her breasts. Shocked, she goes back inside and reveals to Gary what happened. While he gets her water, Amy arrives, and believing Gary knows about the spy situation, accidentally reveals the news to Selina.</p><p><b>"People think POTUS lied about that kid being a spy. I want to know what you two spunk junkies propose we do about it." - Furlong</b></p><p>Ben argues with Kent about what to do vis-à-vis the spy lie - he wants Kent to get the president to admit he knew about the spy, but Kent wants to do more polling before determining the right course of action. Furlong busts in and confronts them - "You two have been caught with your balls in grandma's mouth - everybody's talking about it up on the Hill." He's followed shortly after by an equally incensed Senator Doyle: "This isn't just a crisis...this is at least ten years of Oliver Stone movies."</p><p><b>"Don't feel ashamed Gary, because of course you're not a ball sack and not everyone can say that they're not a ball sack." - Selina</b></p><p>Later, Selina and her team have dinner with Osmo and Minna. She introduces Gary who explains that he's the Veep's bag man, or "kassi" in Finnish. Osmo reveals that ‘kassi' is a slang term, meaning "man bag" - Gary's been introducing himself as a "testicle container."</p><p>Back at Dream Metric, Jonah tells Mike to use "command A" rather than "control A" to add regional summaries from Kent's thumb drive. Jonah realizes his mistake too late - Mike's sent Kent's polling consultation to half the politicos in DC. In a panic and trying to reconcile what they've done ("This is the Internet age - nothing stays a secret"), the pair bump into Kent, Ben, Furlong, and Doyle just as the disastrous email pops up on their phones.</p><p><b>"Would it be so hard for people not to be assholes?" - Selina</b></p><p>While Selina gives closing remarks, Amy gets word that Kent's polling data leaked - they need to get on the plane before Selina can answer any questions from the press. Selina explains that Osmo will face consequences for the grope. "In America we kill people for looking at us funny; we waterboard folks who haven't even done anything."</p><p>As she's leaving, a tenacious reporter demands to know if the President knew about the spy. Without thinking Selina responds, "I stand with the President" and immediately regrets it. Back aboard Air Force Two, everyone agrees Finland sucks. "I told everybody that I was a scrotum," Gary laments.</p></div>
Andrew
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Directed by</b> Christopher Morris<br><b>Teleplay by</b> Tony Roche<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci & Tony Roche</p><p>"<b>Just because my last name rhymes with liar...How lucky am I that I'm not Selina Mapist or Selina Medophile?" - Selina</b></p><p>Mike arranges a press debriefing to highlight Selina's trip to Helsinki and her ongoing budget talks with the House majority leader, Mary King, to avert a government shutdown. In attendance is the "Beltway Butcher" Leon West, who demands to know whether Selina knew about the spy and lied about it, or if she lied about how involved she was with the rescue. Mike attempts to brush him off, saying, "This isn't Meyer the Liar again," accidentally giving West his headline.</p><p><b>"I just saw Mary King. It looked like she'd been thrown up by a whale." - Ben</b></p><p>Elsewhere, Selina and Mary King are deep in budget talks when the majority leader is suddenly overcome by a sneezing fit. Thinking Mary's using one of her infamous stall tactics, Selina doesn't realize right away she's having an allergy attack. Amy, Gary, and Dan rush in and out of Selina's office removing potential allergens: a mohair throw, a bowl of nuts, Gary covered in cat hair. The culprit turns out to be the flowers Dan bought for Catherine's birthday party that evening. "Oh Christ, those f******, that's it," Mary wheezes. Insisting she won't feel good for hours, Mary pushes the budget talk to the evening. Selina insists she can't miss her daughter's party, so they'll have to negotiate there.</p><p><b>"I'm not worried about Andy because I'm going to completely obliterate him with my f****** poise and sophistication." - Selina</b></p><p>Sue brings word that Selina's ex, Andrew, wants to pick up Catherine and bring her to the party, despite Selina having already arranged a car service. Everyone agrees with her that this is typical, prompting Dan to ask why everyone hates Andrew. Selina explains he "fluffs ya and then he f**** ya," like the time he bought her a Porsche for Valentine's Day - with Catherine's trust fund money. Gary and Amy worry that she's referring to him as Andy - it means she'll devolve into a giggling school girl the minute she sees him.</p><p><b>"I've been wrecking parties since I was thirteen - I was the Hunter S. Thompson of bar mitzvahs." - Ed</b></p><p>Ed Webster, a fundraiser for Selina's Boston office and Amy's date for the evening, arrives. He's excited to say hello to Selina, but she has no idea who he is. "We met in Bumf***, Idaho, I think it was?" Her cluelessness provides fuel for a jealous Dan's vitriol - Amy turned down a date proposition from him that morning.</p><p><b>"The Veep looks smokin' tonight. I wonder how much vodka we'd need to have a little Mrs. Robinson moment." - Jonah</b></p><p>Catherine's birthday is hosted at the National Gallery of Art, and it's not quite the "epic succeed" Selina thinks it is. Catherine's mild enthusiasm wanes further when she spots Mary King in attendance along with Ben, who's "plus tenned" himself number crunchers to help Selina close the budget deal.</p><p>After getting the DJ to quiet things down so she and Mary can talk (and subsequently emptying Catherine's party), Selina finally closes the budget deal. However, the following morning's papers are far more concerned with Selina's personal life: the press thinks that she and Andrew had a huge fight at the party, which is why she was absent from the cake cutting. Adding fuel to the fire is a recently published book asserting that their relationship was faked during the last election to mislead voters. "That's a lie. It's true, and it's what happened, but it's Kent's lie, not my lie."</p><p><b>"This is not flirting. This is as subtle as putting a nude photo on Facebook." - Catherine</b></p><p>Selina, Andrew, and Catherine have dinner together to make up for the budget deal party crashers from the night before. Selina and Andrew's flirting volleys between love and hate before turning openly sexual, mortifying Catherine. "I feel like you're actually going to have sex on this table, and that would truly ruin my birthday."</p><p>At a separate table, Amy watches over Selina and Andrew, who's "like a dormant volcano, and he can just blow at any second." She's joined by Ed, who is antagonized by Dan and Jonah. Ed manages to hold his own, however. "Jonah, you're not even a man...You're Frankenstein's monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks."</p><p><b>"I was just fluffed and then I got f*****." - Selina</b></p><p>Andrew's volcano moment comes when he romantically pulls Selina towards him to whisper a secret - his company funded Super PACS on both sides during the last election. Aware that everyone around them is watching, Selina must repress her rage. Her control only lasts so long; Amy brings word from Kent that POTUS is stalling on the budget deal - presumably to shift attention away from the spy scandal. Livid with POTUS, Selina gestures angrily at Andrew. This is photographed by a fellow diner and goes straight to Twitter. Without context, it seems to confirm that their relationship is a sham.</p></div>
Shutdown
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Directed by</b> Becky Martin<br><b>Teleplay by</b> Simon Blackwell & Tony Roche<br><b>Story by</b> Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, & Tony Roche</p><p><b>"I'm browsing the Store of Life...section marked ‘What If?'" - Dan</b></p><p>With the budget deal stalled and a subsequent government shutdown, Selina is forced to furlough some of her staff. Sue and Dan are the first to go, and within minutes Sue books an all-day spa package and Dan is on the phone networking.</p><p>Adding to Selina's frustrations are the papers, which have picked up all the dirt about her and Andrew, including his bipartisan donations, the book alleging they faked their relationship, and the land deal. "It's like anal leakage," she laments, knowing full-well who's leaking: "Someone bring me the chinless head of Roger Furlong!"</p><p><b>"This is the problem with high definition - you don't want to see a dick in high-def." - Selina</b></p><p>On TV, Danny Chung renounces the shutdown and his party. Highlighting the garbage piling up as a result, he calls on his colleagues to "cut a deal and vanquish the stench."</p><p>Acting as Sue, Gary informs Selina he hired a private company to remove the trash piling up at her residence. Selina freaks out, worried that someone could go through her trash and "put it up on the Internet." She sends him to retrieve it, revealing its incriminating contents in secret.</p><p><b>"Why don't you offer to blow him over by the recycled glass? It would throw up some interesting light effects - that would be romantic." - Jonah</b></p><p>In exchange for getting Selina to renew his passport for the G8 convention, Gary gets Jonah to aid in retrieving Selina's trash. The waste facility's manager wants to know what he gets in exchange for her garbage - which is now his. Gary asks for his demands - he wants Selina to come tour the facility, thinking it'd be good for business: "Vice President applauds shit compaction."</p><p><b>"Madam Vice President, greatest respect, it has been the job of the VP over the ages to take it in the ass to save the president." - Ben</b></p><p>Selina meets with Speaker Jim Marwood to end the shutdown, but he refuses to move on the budget deal. He reveals POTUS hung her out to dry in an interview with Politico, saying that Selina tried her best to prevent the shutdown but it was a tough call. Marwood thinks the subtext is that she failed, and is being blamed personally for the shutdown.</p><p>Meanwhile, a Minnesota man broke into a state park and was killed by a bear - he died 15 yards away from a ranger's station which was unmanned due to the shutdown. Selina's pissed: "You've gotta be kidding me. Now I'm to blame because some goober got all eaten up by a bear?"</p><p>Selina asks Mike to get in touch with the bear widow, on Amy's advice that Chung will be all over it "like a bear on an idiot" otherwise. Mike fails to offer a sympathetic ear - "When I said fault, I meant that it <i>wasn't</i> your husband's fault because...bears are naturally hungry." Selina decides to send Dan, still on furlough, to do some "widow work" in his stead.</p><p><b>"Could be Chung time...everybody Dan Chung tonight." - Furlong</b></p><p>Dan has lunch with Sidney Purcell who orders the most expensive items on the menu - for each of them - since it's on Dan's tab. He coerces Dan into revealing crippling information about everyone in the VP's office in exchange for a job, but then reveals there isn't one. "Why don't you take your little vanilla thriller dance over to Danny Chung? He's the shiny turd rising to the top of the bowl right now. You like turds, don't you Dan?"</p><p>Selina meets with Furlong to confront him about what he's leaking to the media. He reminds her that he has boxes and boxes on her, full of "hurty dirt." He suggests he might make a deal to work with Danny Chung - unless Selina would agree to one first.</p><p>Dan meets with the bear-widow, and afterwards meets with Chung to suggest it would be a good move for him to talk to her. Chung agrees with Dan that he's underappreciated by Selina and Kent, and tells him while he doesn't have any immediate vacancies, he can see the two of them in six years' time in the Oval Office ordering pizza and an airstrike - "thin crust, extra warheads." As soon as Dan's done with Chung, Selina calls to unfurlough him: "I need you back. To the bastardmobile!"</p><p><b>"Well, the newspapers are suggesting that I'm responsible for the grisly death of some idiot, but I'm on my way to a garbage dump, so that's a positive, right?" - Selina</b></p><p>Dan confronts Amy about Selina's downward spiral and she agrees, revealing Selina made a deal with Furlong and is semi-dependent on anti-depressants on top of everything else.</p><p>Wanting to rehab her poor public image, Selina asks Amy and Dan to get her on TV. Dan tricks her into agreeing to go on First Response with Janet Ryland, which Amy tries to prevent, knowing if Selina fails, "it could be the end to this whole adventure."</p><p>Later, Chung and Selina appear in simultaneous broadcasts - he with the bear widow, she at the waste facility as arranged earlier. Amy and Dan watch them side by side - Amy thinking things don't look too good; Dan disagreeing. "It depends on which channel you're watching."</p></div>
First Response
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Directed by</b> Armando Iannucci<br><b>Teleplay by </b>Roger Drew<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci & Roger Drew</p><p><b>"I hate this house, to tell you the truth. It's like living in a doll's jail." - Selina</b></p><p>Selina and her team prepare for her interview with Janet Ryland, which will be conducted at the residence. Dan promises it'll be a "nice, casual conversation between two friends." Meanwhile, Janet and her producer Cody discuss their strategy. Since Selina is expecting to do a puff piece, they're going to switch from "bluff puff" to "rough puff." They've also got the holy grail of dirt - a braggy email between Andrew and a lobbyist promising access to the Veep.</p><p><b>"I know that you want to kill somebody right now, but unfortunately it can't be anyone in the building." - Amy</b></p><p>While the cameras roll, Janet and Selina tour the residence and discuss some of the objects in it. When Selina picks up a spyglass, Janet seizes the opportunity to grill Selina about the hostage crisis, catching her completely off guard.</p><p>Janet continues down the warpath, confronting Selina about the Randall Howard book, "Hearts of Power: DC's Most Influential Couples." Selina dodges, insisting she doesn't have a lot of time to read fiction, and that her relationship with Andrew wasn't faked - Andrew did and still continues to support her vision for America.</p><p>Mike phones Amy - from across the room - with apocalyptic news. He's just learned of the leaked Andrew email. Before they can warn Selina, Janet launches her attack. A shocked Selina insists Andrew has no influence over her decision making, despite the fact that she just got through assuring Janet that she and her ex-husband are still extremely close.</p><p><b>"Once again, Andrew, you have totally lived down to my expectations." - Selina</b></p><p>Andrew arrives at the residence and Selina drags him off, under the guise of fixing him up for the cameras. "When we were married, he took longer in the bathroom than I did!" She confronts him about the email: "When I invited you here to the residence, to f*** me, I didn't mean this." He defends his actions, suggesting they're both using each other. "How easy is it for the Vice President of the United States of America to get some casual sex?"</p><p><b>"I do occasional media appearances - I give great talking head." - Jonah</b></p><p>Between segments, Jonah bursts in the front door. With everyone on their best behavior for the cameras, the staff is unusually nice to him, politely inquiring about the purpose of his visit. He announces that POTUS will declare the end of the shutdown in fifteen minutes - right after Selina told Janet that she's been very involved in the debt talks and working towards a resolution.</p><p><b>"I love the way they cook the vegetables. The vegetables are always my favorite. I just love vegetables so much." - Catherine</b></p><p>For a lunch segment, Selina and Andrew prepare a salad and roast chicken - to Catherine's horror. She runs to tell Gary, who holds up a note informing Selina that Catherine went vegetarian - and she told her three months ago. Away from Janet, Selina argues with Catherine about eating the chicken for the cameras. Amy steps in to mediate, but Catherine refuses to continue to sacrifice her morals for her mother's career. Amy assures her, "I've done that. It's not that bad."</p><p><b>"Amy, let's go find your dignity over here." - Dan</b></p><p>Meanwhile, a very tightly wound Amy argues with Cody about removing the Andrew email segment from the show, and he lashes out on her. "With all due respect, f*** you! I own the edit on your shit-show politician that you connected yourself to, not me, you little gremlin." The fight escalates after Amy threatens to revoke any future access to the VP. A screaming match ensues before Dan finally pulls her away.</p><p><b>"How about I lift up my dress and give everyone a big fat shot of my cooch?" - Selina</b></p><p>Though Amy knows she went off the rails, she insists she's the only one that's been trying to alleviate the situation, and accuses Dan of "flat-lining" the entire day. He asks her to consider how unimpressive Selina's been, and threatens that if the Veep doesn't "turn this f****** shit-show around" he doesn't know which way he's going to bounce. He orders Selina to save the interview by doing something big and bold - in the next five minutes.</p><p>As the family settles on the couch for the "formal" portion of the interview, Selina sees her window to make her big, bold move, and apologizes on behalf of the administration for the failure of communication surrounding the hostage crisis. She tells Janet she had full knowledge of the spy's status, and that it was not the administration's intention to mislead the American people. "Sometimes you have to act, always you have to listen. Because in politics, a backbone and a heart are only as good as your ears - and my ears are my livelihood." The staff is shocked, but impressed, and even Janet thinks the interview is sure to take the spotlight back from the end of the shutdown.</p></div>
Running
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Directed by</b> Tim Kirkby<br><b>Teleplay by </b>Sean Gray & Will Smith?<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci & Sean Gray & Will Smith</p><p><b>"I lied and everything, but it sounded true at least." - Selina</b></p><p>The mood in the VP's office is unusually chipper. As a result of her apology to the nation on First Response with Janet Ryland, she's been dubbed the "No BS VP." Despite her newfound success, Amy and Dan beg off joining her at that morning's donor brunch, under the pretense of not raising alarm bells about her possibly running for president in six years.</p><p><b>"We are at DEFCON f***." - Ben</b></p><p>Selina goes to Ben, who's watching news coverage about a whistleblower in the State Department and a challenger from within the party. Selina questions why POTUS won't just apologize like she did - and Ben tells her that as a result of her apology, the House Judiciary committee is "subpoenaing them senseless." He wants her to quit being proactive. "What are you going to do for an encore? Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?"</p><p>En route to the donor brunch, Selina turns to speak with Mike in the hotel corridor and walks through a glass door. Seeing the bloody cuts all over her face, neck, and hands, Gary gives her St. John's Wort for pain, which he assures her is fine since it's "from the Earth."</p><p><b>"This is awkward - like catching your sister's eye at an orgy." - Dan</b></p><p>Danny Chung gives a speech at the Veterans Memorial Hall, where Amy and Dan are both in attendance. They both run out, hoping not to be spotted by the other, but wind up face to face anyway. While sorting out whether they should jump ship and work for Chung together, a la Butch and Sundance, ("Didn't they both die?" Amy asks), Dan gets a call from Sue about the door incident. "That woman has become a living metaphor of her own career."</p><p><b>"I guess we follow the trail of her blood and Gary's tears." - Dan</b></p><p>Dan and Amy bump into Selina's doctor in the hotel lobby, who reveals he didn't give her painkillers because she's already on St. John's Wort. Amy masks her distress when she learns that anti-depressants also mix poorly. Up in a hotel room with Gary, Selina is already quite high. She asks about his family and learns that his parents are about to celebrate their fortieth anniversary. Selina begs to be invited to their party, which thrills Gary.</p><p><b>"You know that they call me Jonad? That's tantamount to calling the president Jonad." - Jonah</b></p><p>Ben's also learned of the incident, and goes to Sue demanding to know why Selina was at the hotel in the first place. Sue evades him at first, claiming Selina was at a meet and greet with the American Teachers Association. He asks her to tell him what Selina "wasn't" doing instead. "The vice president was NOT at a brunch with campaign donors." Ben is furious; he orders Jonah to get over to the Veep's hotel. "Cut your face off and give it to the VP if you have to - just get her to talk to the press and say she is NOT the challenger!"</p><p><b>"You didn't happen to notice that the Veep is tripping balls?" - Dan</b></p><p>Jonah arrives to "commandeer the situation" and get the Veep to give a statement. Amy gives him a rundown: "She just walked through a glass door, which is somewhat ironic building up to an invisible primary and she's temporarily insane on a cocktail of happy pills. Over to you, captain." After temporarily breaking Jonah's brain with the news, the staff decides to wait it out. When Selina wakes from a three hour nap, she decides to give a statement to the press. When a reporter asks if she's still be participating in tomorrow's 10k Fun Run, she tells him, "I fully intend to run," a statement Ben feels is a wire brush to his hemorrhoids.</p><p><b>"There are going to be difficult choices to make. Like ‘Sophie's Choice' choices, except more important, because it's going to be about me." - Selina</b></p><p>At the White House, Ben learns the Judiciary Committee is discussing an impeachment vote. "Burn everything incriminating, including this building. Burn all the White House pets, and then yourselves. Burn yourselves first." He and Kent give Jonah conflicting orders to bring to the Veep. Kent doesn't want her responding to any questions about the impeachment vote; Ben wants her to say she stands behind POTUS. Jonah is forced to make a decision on what to tell her, but Kent isn't too confident in the results: "He's an idiot. I'm surprised he gets to work without being hit by a car or punched in the mouth."</p><p>As Selina approaches the finish line, she speeds up to avoid being beaten by a guy in a banana costume, and no one is able to reach her with a statement about the impeachment vote for the waiting press. After dealing with the reporters, she tells Amy she's done with the vice presidency, knowing POTUS will throw her under the bus. She decides she won't run with him again in two years. Instead, she'll come back in six and "save the party from itself."</p></div>
D.C.
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written by </b>Tony Roche & Armando Iannucci<br><b> Directed by</b> Tim Kirkby<br><br></p><p><b>"I hate impeachments. They're so nineties." - Selina</b></p><p>The Senate and the House are after POTUS and seeking an impeachment over the spy scandal. On TV, Senator O'Brien speaks out: "A cloud of suspicion hangs over this administration. Were there cover ups? Lies?" Selina calls the staff into her office to tell them that she's won't be joining POTUS in the next election. Instead, she's going to run for president in six years. In the meantime, everyone should start looking for other jobs.</p><p><b>"I don't really have any need for you Mike. You're kind of obsolete - like a Viking stuck in time." - Furlong</b></p><p>With "absolutely nothing to do" after the Veep steps down, Amy talks Ed into getting more serious. Meanwhile, Sue meets with Kent Davison, an "ardent admirer of her efficiency and precision." He offers her a position on his Dream Metric team. Mike also tries his hand at networking, joining Roger Furlong and Will for a run, but it doesn't end well. He slips about Selina's staff all needing new challenges, and Furlong realizes she's leaving the ticket - breaking her promise to him to run together in six years.</p><p><b>"In your mind, you're doing pirouettes on his grave." - Ben</b></p><p>Selina goes to meet with POTUS to tell him she's leaving the ticket, but he's canceled - she's to meet with Ben instead. Before she can reveal her big news, Ben reveals bigger news of his own: POTUS isn't running in two years. "He knows how this is all going to end, so he drank the poison Kool-Aid from my very big blue mug." POTUS recognizes that once the party leadership discovers he's not running for a second term, all the "impeachment bullshit" will fade away.</p><p><b>"I heard it from the Gingerhead Man - the gash-with-the-‘stache-McLintock." - Furlong</b></p><p>Furlong stops by Selina's office to confront her about leaving the ticket. She assures him, "I am absolutely running in two years, and then four years after that, re-election, baby." He catches her slip, and knows something's up - "I smell a f*****' rat."</p><p>Selina reassembles her "Veeple" to tell them about POTUS and that she'll be running in the next election. The excitement settles quickly when everyone acknowledges they've already made other plans. Gary reveals that even he took another job - he's going into business with Dana - D & G Cheese Overseas. "You're choosing dead milk over me?" Selina asks. He explains that Dana "scares him a lot" and doesn't know how to tell her he's staying on.</p><p><b>"Like I'm Marilyn Monroe - just JFK the f*** outta me!" - Selina</b></p><p>Selina prepares to visit a school science fair and she asks Dan to rewrite her speech to sound more presidential. Later, Dan approaches Amy about an "accidental dick move" he made - he plagiarized a speech he wrote for Danny Chung when he rewrote Selina's science fair speech. Amy tries to get a hold of Mike to warn Selina, but as his phone is dead, Selina gives the speech unaware.</p><p>Later, Selina tours the science fair, making small talk with the children. Jonah arrives with a phone call from Ben since Mike's been unreachable: Furlong's spreading the news of POTUS quitting all over town, so POTUS isn't going to leave the ticket because he doesn't want it to look like he's being pushed out. Ben is enraged: "Now our spineless, flip-floppy f***-bag, is staying!"</p><p><b>"You get f***** by everybody in D.C. - your friends, your enemies, your colleagues, your f****** family. That's Washington D.C. for you - D.C.: District of C****!" - Selina</b></p><p>Dan meets with Chung to deliver the bad news about the speech. Chung's happy to hear it, however: "Selina's a plagiarist? It's perfect. You just handed me a silver bullet, and as you know, I'm a good shot." Dan also reveals that he's choosing to stay on with Selina, prompting Chung to unleash his condescending, pompous wrath on him. Dan blows up, telling him: "If I had a dollar for every time you mentioned that goddamn war, I'd buy a tank and I'd blow your fat f*****' head off." His explosion is followed by a text from Amy, revealing POTUS is staying on. He attempts to backtrack with Chung, but to no avail.</p><p>Kent arrives to tell Selina that the president is on his way. Selina panics, believing POTUS is about to drop her from the ticket. Meanwhile, Chung announces that he's planning to serve at a higher level in a few years.</p><p><b>"You're the secretary to the vice president - that's like being Garfunkel's roadie." - Ed</b></p><p>While Selina meets with POTUS, the frazzled staff fight amongst themselves. However, Selina emerges calm and collected - POTUS is leaving in two years after all. Amid the celebrations, Dan tries to bury the plagiarized speech news. Too elated to be angry, Selina asks him to clean up his "own shitty diaper."</p></div>
Some New Beginnings
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by</b> Sean Gray & Will Smith<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci & Sean Gray & Will Smith<br><b>Directed by </b>Chris Addison</p><p><b>"You might even see me cry today, and for once, it's not about work." - Mike</b></p><p>To court potential caucus voters, Selina signs copies of her new autobiography, Some New Beginnings: Our Next American Journey, at an Iowa bookstore. Meanwhile, the rest of Selina's staff attends Mike's wedding. "I can't believe Selina chose not to be here," Gary laments. "I told Sue to put ‘wedding' in her calendar in bold, cap letters. I mean, we took type size to a limit."</p><p>Dan explains to Amy that he's only being nice to her because he's confident Selina will make him manager of her presidential campaign. Amy reminds him there's no campaign until the president announces he's stepping down, a fact which frustrates Dan to no end. "Unless POTUS is chiseling his f*cking statement out of marble," he huffs, "I don't get it!" Gary shushes Dan, reminding him that Mike's bride Wendy is a reporter and the press is everywhere.</p><p><b>"I've been a reporter for 18 years. If anything breaks, I promise I will put it into the vows." - Wendy</b></p><p>Amy gets word of a "rumor of a rumor" that's got the White House "buzzing like a fly in a shit house." Wendy greets her and Dan with a giant glass bowl to collect everyone's phones until after the ceremony. Dan pulls a second, secret phone from his pocket and tells Amy that the rumor has something to do with a big announcement from Secretary of Defense Maddox.</p><p><b>"Poor Rick Cowgill. He was a four-foot, 11-inch stick of dynamite." - Selina</b></p><p>Selina tires of the signing and tells her Gary stand-in, Richard, to make up an excuse so she can leave. Back at her hotel, Selina gets a visit from Ben, who's on his way to Congressman Rick Cowgill's funeral. They discuss Selina's impending presidential campaign, and she asks Ben whether she should make Dan or Amy her campaign manager. Ben insists she hire Bill Ericsson, who's famous for getting difficult candidates elected. "It should be easier for you," he explains. "You actually have a personality, and you never groped waitresses." Ericsson is attending Cowgill's funeral, so Ben invites her to attend.</p><p><b>"I run a gossiptainment site, and this is very gossiptaining." - Jonah</b></p><p>Jonah arrives at Mike's wedding -- he wasn't invited but gave a lift to a guest whose car broke down. He runs into Dan in the men's room and accidentally reveals he's the brains behind WestWingMan.net -- the "hottest gossip site in D.C."</p><p>Mike rounds up the Eisenhower gang for a photo -- excluding Jonah. As the photographer takes the picture, Amy finds out what the "rumor of rumor" is about: "Shit on my tits!" she shouts. "Maddox just resigned!" Chaos ensues as everyone scrambles for their phones. Jonah notices the Veep's team is particularly panicked; he takes a picture of the scramble and uploads it to WestWingMan.net, suggesting that Maddox may be running for president. Back at the White House, Kent orders his staffers to uncover who WestWingMan is: "FYI, it may not be his real name."</p><p><b>"Excuse me, I'm about to be brilliant." - Dan</b></p><p>Dan explains to a clueless Jonah the error of his post: POTUS hasn't announced that he isn't running for reelection, and Jonah has now let the cat out of the bag. Finally absorbing the gravity of the situation, Jonah asks Dan, "What's Google's number?" Dan shrugs. "I don't know. Ask Jeeves?"</p><p>Selina attends Cowgill's funeral, where she's cornered by Blake Stewart, a former presidential nominee who lost disastrously a decade prior. They're approached by Cowgill's nephew, who now wants Selina to give the closing remarks at the funeral instead of Blake. "I'm a terrible speaker anyway," he acknowledges. "That's how I lost 49 states."</p><p><b>"All my orgasms have come at once." - Selina</b></p><p>At the White House, Kent fires Jonah for running a news blog while working in office and, more importantly, because he single-handedly forced POTUS to announce that he's not running for reelection. "The party is over, Mr. WestWingMan," Kent says. "There's a dead guy in the pool, and that dead guy is you."</p><p>Ben informs Selina that Ericsson left the funeral for D.C. once the Maddox news broke. Selina orders Richard to supply her with a couple facts about Cowgill for her closing remarks. After successfully eulogizing the late congressman, Ben delivers wonderful news to Selina: Maddox canceled his announcement because POTUS is about to make "the big one."</p><p>Dan calls to boast that Selina has him to thank for POTUS finally stepping down; he forwarded Jonah's post to every hack in D.C. Hoping to bank on the Veep's good favor, Dan pitches himself for campaign manager. But Selina, with her eyes firmly on Ericsson, ignores his request.</p></div>
The Choice
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by</b> Roger Drew & Ian Martin<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci & Roger Drew & Ian Martin<br><b>Directed by</b> Becky Martin</p><p><b>"This is the unflushable turd that's been left in the can for the next person, e.g. me." - Selina</b></p><p>Mike calls Gary to tell him that POTUS's bodyman is quitting and suggests Gary go for the job. But Gary isn't interested in being "a guy in his 40s carrying a bag." He insists that he has ideas and could "advise Selina on stuff."<br><br>That night, Selina and the staff arrive at her grim exploratory campaign offices, where she's less than pleased to find Richard, her hapless assistant from the Iowa book signing. Amy kept him on because Selina told her he was really good, although Selina only told her that so she wouldn't worry. Gary, depressed about his dead-end job, offers Selina campaign advice, which is only met with Dan's ridicule.<br><br>Jonah stops by Mike and Wendy's house, fishing for information about Selina's secret campaign headquarters. He also tells Mike he's starting a media consulting firm, Ryantology, dubbing it as "D.C. insider turns D.C. outlaw." Mike turns down Jonah's offer to join the venture.<br><br>As part of her pre-campaign campaign strategy, Selina joins the Coast Guard on a night patrol. When they intercept a "suspicious vessel," Selina is hopeful for a drug bust photo op. It turns out to be nothing more than a weird guy transporting swords, but Selina doesn't have time to be disappointed because Amy has gotten word of a bigger problem: POTUS announced he's now pro-life during an after-dinner speech at the Institute of Medical Ethics.</p><p><b>"I can't identify myself as a woman. People can't know that." - Selina</b></p><p>The group rushes back to D.C. to prepare a statement and meet with special interest groups on both sides of the abortion debate. Gary reminds Selina that she wrote her stance on abortion in her autobiography, but Selina doesn't want to use it because it's "pastel-colored shit." Dan grows increasingly agitated with her for not picking a side, and to make matters worse, their plan to make a statement the following night has been foiled: Kent booked Selina for a 7 a.m. appearance on <i>Good Morning America</i>.<br><br>Meanwhile, Jonah video-blogs his first post for Ryantology: "Old Media like the <i>Washington Toast</i> better go run and hide in the bathroom and join the <i>Poo York Times</i> because we are cutting in!" Using tiny dolls with Danny Chung, Maddox, and Selina's faces pasted on them, he questions where the Veep will land in the ensuing abortion debate.<br><br>Sue briefs Selina on her many meetings, while she continues to struggle to come up with a statement. "If men got pregnant," Selina laments, "you could get an abortion at an ATM."<br><br>Jonah and his "undernerds" learn that Selina is going to meet with the head of Planned Parenthood. Meanwhile, Maddox makes an announcement about his "position" on abortion -- it's nothing but fluff.</p><p><b>"I love abortion. I'm an abortionado. But I would go pro-life in a fetal f*cking heartbeat if it meant winning!" - Dan</b></p><p>Back at the Eisenhower offices, Dan flips out on Selina for waffling so much. "That shit shovel-faced f*ckin' Jonah's out there telling people you're feeling out options! We need to pick a number!" He loses it, and hurls a curse-laden tirade at the Veep, stunning everyone into silence. Realizing his enormous f*ck up, Dan immediately apologizes. "I accept your apology," Selina tells him, "while retaining the right to fire the f*ck out of you."<br><br>Jonah's blog gets some serious attention, and an undernerd informs him that MSNBC wants him on the air at 7 a.m. to discuss the abortion debate and his thoughts on Selina.<br><br>Selina meets with Cardinal Branzini while Amy enlists Gary and Mike to keep the heads of pro-choice and pro-life groups as far apart as possible -- a task Gary learns is a lot harder than he expected. He and Mike are unsuccessful at keeping them separate, and Amy is forced to choose who will meet with the Veep first when she discovers both of them waiting together outside of Selina's office.</p><p><b>"Twenty-two-and-a-half weeks sounds like an erotic thriller." - Amy</b></p><p>Mike brings a copy of Danny Chung's statement before he makes his announcement. He supports a 22-week cutoff, meaning Selina can't go with a 24-week cutoff because she'll be "the most liberal and the most female." Nor can she give the same number, for fear of being a called a copycat.<br><br>Selina is at a loss until Kent delivers startling polling data: The majority of U.S. citizens have no opinion on the issue. Selina orders Mike to draft a better version of her position as stated in her autobiography.</p><p><b>"Hey you, Ugly Betty, gimme that burrito." - Dan</b></p><p>Dan finds Jonah outside of the MSNBC studios and assaults him with a breakfast burrito. He tells Jonah that if he reveals anything about the Veep on air, he'll break Jonah's legs "so severely he'll end up normal height." Rattled by the encounter, Jonah completely falls apart during his segment and is quickly dismissed.</p></div>
Alicia
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by </b>Sean Gray & Ian Martin<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci & Sean Gray & Ian Martin<br><b>Directed by </b>Christopher Morris</p><p><b>"I want to tell real stories about real people. I'm like John Steinbeck in that regard. Or Denzel Washington." - Jonah<br><br></b>Two young Anacostia women, Alicia Bryce and her friend Dee, post flyers around town for Alicia's "Walk to the White House," a demonstration in support of universal childcare. They're approached by Jonah, who's looking to do a piece on her for Ryantology.net, but he's thwarted when Amy arrives for a pre-scheduled meeting with Alicia. Amy explains that the Veep wants Alicia next to her when she announces that she's running for President.<br><br>While being fitted by a dressmaker, Selina's team advises her on her presidential campaign announcement, which is two weeks away. Amy calls Selina and puts Alicia on the phone, who is thrilled to be speaking to the Veep. When Kent learns what Alicia represents, he warns Selina that "children are of no value."</p><p><b>"So what I had a horse as a kid, who didn't? Have a pet, is what I meant." - Selina</b></p><p>Two weeks later, hours before Selina's announcement, Ben brings word that an SNL sketch mocking Selina's childhood pony, Ladypepper, has "just hit 9 on the Sphincter Scale." The sketch mocks Selina's privileged upbringing and comments that pony grooming taught her about how tough it is for American farmers. She doesn't understand why that's funny.<br><br>Dan advises Selina to own the sketch by appearing on the show. "Are you kidding me, Dan?" she asks. "If somebody takes a shit in your car, what are you going to do? Are you going to drop your trou and take a crap through the sunroof?" She orders him to get on the phone and fix it.</p><p><b>"Sorry, I was just yelling at the media." - Mike</b></p><p>Mike brings Alicia to the rehearsal room where she discovers she's one of several VIPs who will be joining Selina onstage. "Half of America just came in. This is like Black Friday at Wal-Mart," she complains. Mike and Gary try to downplay the others as "filler" in relation to Alicia; for example, the cancer survivor, Mike explains, had "an easy one. Finger or skin, not one of the hard ones."<br><br>Selina enters the rehearsal space and starts greeting her special guests. She actually doesn't need Garyoke, and he's horrified when Alicia comments that his attempts are distracting.</p><p><b>"You want me to be just some sort of a party puppet? You can stick your hand up my ass and work my mouth?" - Selina</b></p><p>Senator Doyle approaches Selina and tells her to dump universal childcare and play it safe by putting the AARP onstage instead because seniors vote: "They've got nothing else to do," he explains. When she refuses, he threatens to pull his support. Ben and Kent agree with Doyle, pissing her off more. Ben tells her, "Ma'am, you have plenty of principles, you just gotta pick another one." Adding to her misery, Dan informs her that SNL has decided to do another "Little Selina" sketch despite his efforts to dissuade them.<br><br>Doyle returns to Selina's office to warn her that the congressional leadership is "stuck in traffic" and will be until she drops universal childcare. She refuses to let "a bunch of dead-eyed white guys shit all over everything" she stands for. Once Doyle leaves, Selina throws a tantrum, knowing she needs the party's support for her campaign. "I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me," she tells her staff. "That is my decision. I am letting them do that."</p><p><b>"I'm angry too. I'm going to kick my own ass." - Mike</b></p><p>Amy tells Mike to dump Alicia, sensitively. When he tells her she's no longer needed at the event, Alicia and Dee start to get physical with Mike, pushing him so far that he calls Alicia a "stupid cow." To his horror, Jonah has overheard the whole thing. "Oh my god Mike, what're you going to do for the encore?" he jeers. "Punch the kid?"<br><br>Dan and Gary observe Selina in "shutdown mode" -- she hasn't moved or spoken in 10 minutes. Catherine takes note of the situation and snaps her mother back to reality by viciously insulting her. "I have had had a hard, lonely, miserable life," Catherine tells her, "and the only thing that's going to make it worthwhile is if I become the daughter of the next president of the United States. You need to go out there and stop behaving like a little bitch!"</p><p><b>"Jonah, you are the dick that keeps on giving." - Leon West</b></p><p>Mike takes Ben's advice to beg Jonah not to run the "stupid cow" story. Jonah orders Mike to sing for him, so Mike gets on his knees and performs "Goober Peas," an old Civil War song. But instead of giving up the story, Jonah explains he's still running it with Mike's performance -- all because he forgot to say it was off the record.<br><br>Back to normal, Selina orders Dan to print any version of her speech because she plans to wing it. Senator Doyle arrives to tell Selina the "beltway is clear" now that she dropped universal childcare. She then snatches Dan's phone to talk directly to SNL executive producer Lorne Michaels, who agrees to drop the latest "Little Selina" if she'll appear in one more sketch herself.<br><br>On her way to the stage, Selina bumps into Alicia and Dee and spots Halo for the first time. In front of Doyle, she tells everyone that Halo should be onstage with her as "the face of the future," trapping him into agreement. After Selina makes her speech, Jonah approaches Alicia to get her reaction to Mike's gaffe. But Alicia and Dee, now pleased with the Veep, deny any knowledge of the story.</p></div>
Clovis
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by </b>Kevin Cecil & Roger Drew & Andy Riley<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci & Kevin Cecil & Roger Drew & Andy Riley<br><b>Directed by</b> Armando Iannucci</p><p><b>"They say all babies are cute, but whoever they are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic." - Amy</b></p><p>Following a speech at Stanford University, Kent tells Selina that they've launched MeetMeyer.com. It's "everything you wanted to know about Selina Meyer that we want you to," he explains. Selina does a meet and greet with a crowd assembled outside campus, where she spots a cute baby and her young mother, Cassie, who explains that she believes her daughter has been slow to develop because of fracking in the area. She goes on to cause a scene, loudly accusing Selina of flip-flopping on her original anti-fracking position.</p><p>At the hotel, Selina and Kent discuss the fracking fracas. "If we were to rate it on a scale of one to f*cked," Selina asks, "what would you say?" He warns her against alienating Cassie's demographic -- women in their thirties -- otherwise she'll be "dead before New Hampshire."</p><p><b>"I haven't seen my penis since the first Gulf War and I kinda miss the little guy." - Ben</b></p><p>Back at the office, Dan sees that Jonah's video post about Selina's fracking flip-flop has gone viral. Ben orders him to solve the Jonah problem and then invites him out for beers afterwards. At the bar, Dan begs Ben to convince Selina to make him her campaign manager. Ben offers him some "unusable nut-fluff": During the Iraq war, Governor Chung's unit bored a man to death -- with a drill. Taking the hint, Dan happily orders them another round.</p><p><b>"Poor kids. They don't realize they're all going to be executed by the time they turn 30." - Mike</b></p><p>Selina and her staff head to the campus of Clovis, a super-hip tech company run by 26-year-old Craig Jeurgensen whom Kent describes as rich -- "wipe out the deficit rich." The group is given a tour by the company's CFO, Melissa Connors, as Craig (pronounced "Craaayg") is in the middle of his random coding hour.</p><p><b>"I am going to get some air, and then throw up in it." - Dan</b></p><p>Extremely hung over, Dan joins some colleagues for a lunchtime poker game, though he's less than pleased to see Jonah in attendance. He casually mentions the Chung torture story, which another colleague confirms he's heard rumors about. To trick Jonah into taking the bait, Dan fakes a "tell" on a bad hand.</p><p>At Clovis, Craig finally appears, addressing the Veep as Selina and interrupting her to have a whisper-chat with Melissa regarding a deal with Indonesia. He introduces Selina to Clovis' new tech-baby, the "Smartch" or smart watch, which exchanges Clovis profiles when two wearers shake hands. Though it doesn't seem to work, neither Craig nor Melissa see a problem. "We have a saying here at Clovis," Melissa proudly explains. "Dare to fail."</p><p><b>"If it's any consolation, a porn parody is a sign that you've officially made it." - Craig</b> </p><p>Later, the staff makes another attempt to get the Smartch to work, only to bring up on a nearby screen both "Meat Meyer," a parody of their site using meat products, and "Meating Meyer," a porn parody. Amy points out that the undesirable videos brings up another problem: They can't have Ryantology or the fracking stories on screen behind Selina when she gives her Town Hall speech later that day. Craig refuses to pull content and instead starts a dialogue about getting tax breaks.</p><p><b>"Jonah with money. It's like if Hitler could fly." - Selina</b></p><p>Noting that Jonah's site has been "blowing up all day," Craig asks the group about Jonah. Gary wryly explains that "everybody knows Jonah," which Craig interprets as a good thing. He tells Melissa to buy Ryantology for $4-6 million.</p><p>Jonah is ecstatic about Clovis' offer. "Everybody who said that I'd never make it?" he crows. "Where the f*ck are you now, huh? F*ck you, Kent Davison. F*ck you Mrs. Gravestock from the third grade. F*ck you stepdad one and stepdad three!"</p><p><b>"Do they have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?" - Selina</b></p><p>Melissa pulls Amy aside and offers her a job. Initially Amy declines, believing the "sheer positivity of this place" would break her. She reconsiders once Melissa reveals the enormous (but unknown) salary.</p><p>Out of Craig's earshot, Kent bargains with Melissa -- if the "public" moves the Chung torture story to Clovis' homepage, instead of Selina stories, he'll look into the tax breaks Craig suggested earlier.</p><p><b>"The words ‘Danny Chung' and ‘torture,' they don't belong in the same sentence. ‘Danny Chung'? ‘Torture'?" C'mon." - Selina </b></p><p>At the Town Hall, Selina uses the Smartch to call up the Clovis homepage. With the Chung torture story front and center, Selina takes the opportunity to deny the accusations, but she repeats "Chung" and "torture" so much that they blow up in a the word cloud on the screen behind her. Afterwards, Dan calls to congratulate her for effectively linking Danny to torture through her denials and to gloat about leaking the story.</p><p>Amy declines Melissa's job offer and learns that Clovis "sunsetted" their offer for Ryantology only "minutes ago," as the governor had his Pentagon papers released, proving that he never tortured anyone.</p></div>
Fishing
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by</b> Georgia Pritchett & Will Smith <br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci & Georgia Pritchett & Will Smith<br><b>Directed by</b> Becky Martin</p><p><b>"We are in the ass of the hurricane now." - Dan</b></p><p>Selina's campaign begins in earnest, as her staff prepares their underlings for the months ahead. Selina enters and addresses the group. She confronts Gary about the strong scent of Icy Hot on his injured shoulder, noting that the stench makes her nostrils feel "like Vietnam."</p><p>Afterwards, Ben confirms with Selina that she's lunching with Bill Ericsson, her ideal campaign manager. "He's Amy without a conscience, and he's Dan without the five percent that needs to be loved," he explains.</p><p>Gary heads to the men's room to wash the Icy Hot off his shoulder and bumps into Mike emerging from a stall with a cooler bag. Busted, Mike explains that he and Wendy are trying IVF and the bag is full of "little Mikes." He begs Gary to keep his secret.</p><p><b>"But he's my asshole." - Selina</b></p><p>Selina lunches with Bill Ericsson. He points out the shortcomings of her staff and tells her she needs to fire everyone -- even Gary. "Do you really want him standing behind you for the next eight years like an asshole?" he asks. If she fires her entire staff, Ericsson promises to maximize her chances of becoming the most powerful person on Earth.</p><p>Gary visits a doctor for his shoulder, who tells him he needs to stop carrying the Veep's bag. Defensive, Gary inquires if getting a new shoulder is a viable option.</p><p><b>"People like Maddox have guns on the wall next to the animal heads. It's like a flow chart for people who don't know what firearms do." - Selina</b></p><p>Sue informs Selina that Maddox has invited Selina to his country house. She's less than enthused about spending time in nature, but Amy reminds her they need to talk Maddox out of running because they perceive him to be a bigger threat than Danny Chung. With his IVF duties on his mind, Mike worms his way out of joining her, which forces Selina to choose between Dan and Amy. Though they promise not to read into her decision, Dan takes it as a clear victory when Selina chooses him.</p><p>Jonah, now Maddox's bagman, greets Selina, Dan, and Gary. Maddox invites Selina to fish with him, which really means that Dan casts her line every time Maddox turns his back. Selina tries to broach the topic of Maddox agreeing to be her Secretary of State, but they're interrupted when Selina gets a bite on her line.</p><p><b>"So everybody knows I was in there masturbating into a cup." - Mike</b></p><p>Amy throws a dinner party with Ed, Sue, Mike, Kent, and Ben. She is uncharacteristically nice to everyone because she wants their support as campaign manager.</p><p>At Maddox's house, Selina notices Gary wincing from shoulder pain and worries that it could become some "permanent disability." To distract her, Gary blurts out: "Mike's masturbating at work!" Selina immediately texts Ben the news because she "can't have Mike getting what's-her-ass all knocked up and pregnant, becoming some sort of a dad during my campaign." Upon receiving the news from Selina, Ben tricks Mike into revealing his masturbatory efforts to the entire dinner party.</p><p><b>"I've eaten hummus with a pen cap. Don't tell me how I can eat." - Amy</b></p><p>During dinner, Ed reveals that Jonah got his job with Maddox because his uncle is Jeff Kane, the man who controls the senior citizen vote in New Hampshire. Amy tosses everyone out, including Ed, despite it being their one-year anniversary. She calls Selina to tell her about Jonah and to order Dan to poach him. Dan tries to sweet talk his way into Jonah's trust but fails after implying Maddox hired him because of his powerful uncle.</p><p>Selina makes another attempt to bargain with Maddox. She offers to make him Vice President, but he tells her he'd rather she serve him because she's "already vetted." Selina storms out in a rage, declaring, "I'd rather be shot in the f*cking face than serve as Vice President again!"</p><p><b>"Mike, it would please me greatly if you would do me the honor of removing your j*zz box from our executive branch of government." - Selina</b></p><p>The next day, Selina lunches again with Ericsson to tell him that she plans to fire "desperate Dan, flailing Amy, crippled Gary, jizzy Mike" when Dan appears by her side with inside polling data on Maddox. She tells him that she's making Ericsson her campaign manager, but Ericsson interrupts to tell her he's taking a better offer from another candidate, Joe Thornhill. Defeated, Selina makes Dan campaign manager.</p><p><b>"F*ck you Dan, you minor league gigolo." - Amy </b></p><p>Ben invites everyone to his "office," aka the bar, to tell them about Selina's decision when they all get a text from Dan informing them of his new role. Gary, already quite drunk on boilermakers supplied by Ben, attempts to lighten everyone's mood by suggesting that they throw Mike's "expired c*m" at Jonah's door since he lives just around the corner.</p></div>
Detroit
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by</b> Kevin Cecil & David Quantick & Andy Riley<br><b>Story by </b>Armando Iannucci & Kevin Cecil & David Quantick & Andy Riley<br><b>Directed by</b> Tim Kirkby</p><p><b>"I want Selina's job announcement on every network. I want to hear the Discovery Channel say, ‘We interrupt these sharks.'" - Dan</b></p><p>Selina, Catherine, and Gary arrive at a Detroit conference center for Employcon, an economic summit, where Selina will be announcing 7,000 new jobs. They are greeted by a mob of angry protesters, yelling and waving anti-big business signs.</p><p>Inside, Selina mingles with local business leaders, including a manufacturer of plastic coffee lids and skeleton umbrellas. Amy brings word that there was a shooting across town and among the three dead is journalist Emily Lafuente. "She was a vicious bitch and a f*ckin' drunk," Selina says, before catching herself. "That's sad news."</p><p><b>"I made a joke for giving the guns to the babies, because I know you don't give the guns to the babies." - Minna</b></p><p>Selina spots Minna Hakkinen, the former Finnish Prime Minister whose husband, as Gary reminds the Veep, fondled her left breast. Selina and Minna discuss Emily's death, and Minna posits that America "has too many guns." Selina wholeheartedly agrees. "We have a little problem called the Second Amendment," she explains. "People think it's their birthright."</p><p>Elsewhere, Mike and Jonah talk about tomorrow's photo op between Maddox and Selina, ostensibly agreeing to no funny business -- just a six-second handshake with a toothy smile to prove they don't hate each other.</p><p>Later, Jonah approaches Minna, and Minna, who's under the impression he's a part of Selina's staff, reveals that she agreed with Selina's position that the Second Amendment is a "big problem," and that Selina claimed America has "too many guns."</p><p><b>"The entourage is getting way too big. We are only days away from an omelet chef and a piano tuner." - Amy </b></p><p>In full view of her staff, Selina flirts with her new fitness instructor, Ray Whelans. Mike brings her a statement about Emily's murder to approve, and Ray butts in to try to "simplify" it. Afterwards, Selina pulls Amy aside to tell her she's "f*cking" Ray, which she wants her to hide from the rest of the staff -- especially Dan. However, Dan already knows, as he set the whole thing up to keep her from sleeping with her ex-husband, Andrew. "You're a sex trafficker now," Amy says incredulously. "How low can you go?"</p><p>As Selina heads into the conference center to give her jobs announcement, a protestor dressed as the Statue of Liberty breaks through the police barricade, armed with an inflatable dollar sign. He's stopped by Catherine, who lunges and punches him square in the face. Selina and Catherine are hustled out uninjured, and the jobs speech is postponed.</p><p>Back in the hotel, Ben quickly deflates any hope of a numbers jump following the attack. Selina's comments about the Second Amendment are all anything the press is talking about. The increasingly high-strung Dan snaps at Selina: "You've just picked a fight with the jumpiest group of people I could possibly think of!"</p><p><b>"This is so humiliating. In years to come, a therapist will have me acting this out with dolls." - Amy</b></p><p>While Gary, Amy, and members of the Secret Service stand outside Selina's hotel room (where she's having loud sex with Ray), Catherine and Andrew drop by to check on her. Andrew insists he has important information pertaining to Selina's jobs announcement but refuses to tell her after spotting a shirtless Ray in her room. "Have you no dignity?" he asks. "Or do you order that in as well?"</p><p>Minna, who is staying in the neighboring room, comes to apologize for revealing Selina's Second Amendment comments to the press, but blames the slip on the "leaking gentleman" on Selina's team, whom she describes as Central Europe's "bad companion" to Santa Claus that comes and takes away naughty children's Christmas presents. "It's like a man, but very tall." In other words, Jonah.</p><p><b>"You need to be conservative and liberal. Look at guns, but don't touch guns. Don't even say the word ‘gun.'" - Dan</b></p><p>The next morning, Selina tells the group that Ray had an idea: She should attend a gun show as an act of good faith. Though wary of Ray's idea, the team ultimately agrees that an appearance at a local women's gun show is an excellent idea.</p><p>Selina heads to meet Maddox for their photo op. Just as Selina's about to leave, Maddox puts his hand on her back -- exactly the kind of "funny stuff" Jonah agreed not to do. The press is quick to take the bait, suggesting that the Veep "needs a helping hand."</p><p>Selina and Catherine attend the gun show, whose attendees are very excited to meet Catherine and take selfies with her. Catherine's further horrified to discover the show is selling t-shirts with her face on them, emblazoned with the slogan, "POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!"</p><p><b>"Well, if we kill everybody in the room, we might be okay." - Ben</b></p><p>Andrew finds Selina just before her jobs announcement to tell her that Turville Industries, the company offering the new positions, is defaulting on their loans. Turville has six months left in business at most. "I tried to tell you last night," he explains, "but you had Ray's cock in your ear."</p><p>Kent calls to tell Selina her job speech is canceled and it will just be a friendly question-and-answer session with the panel chair. Selina is relieved until she enters the auditorium and discovers her interviewer is Minna. The former Prime Minister unwittingly forces Selina to announce the non-existent jobs and insists the Veep not downplay the announcement's significance. Minna assures Selina -- and the audience -- that the names "Selina Meyer" and "Turville Industries" won't be soon forgotten.</p></div>
Special Relationship
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by </b>Simon Blackwell & Tony Roche<br><b>Story by</b> Simon Blackwell & Armando Iannucci & Tony Roche<br><b>Directed by </b>Becky Martin</p><p>Dan, fueled by Red Bull, barks orders to the staff back in the States from his London hotel room. Among his victims is Sue, whom he demands get Selina a short-notice meeting with Prince Charles, that "65-year-old f*cking intern."</p><p>Selina attends a reception for the Deputy Prime Minister Peter Mitchell at the U.S. ambassador's residence. Aggrieved that Ray is there talking with smart people, Ben searches out a drink. "It's like watching a goat trying to use an ATM," he says of Ray to Mike and Amy.</p><p>Mike works on Selina's speech for the 100th anniversary of the Great War, oratory he considers his "masterpiece." He confirms that Amy's set up Selina's secret Trans-Atlantic Security Organization meeting with the German chancellor. It's "at the Cathedral," Amy explains, so Selina "can lie to the Brits and go straight to confession." At the party, Peter confronts Selina about rumors that the U.S. is moving the TSO conference from London to Frankfurt, but she denies that any decision's been made.</p><p>Kent informs a frazzled Dan that Selina is "bleeding blue collars." He promises to have her visit a London pub "to make her look f*ck-off folksy."</p><p>Jonah waits in a taxi queue and calls Team Maddox to inform them he's in London and ready to spill the dirt on Selina Meyer. Kent appears next to him in line, tells him he's an imbecile, and calls Amy to warn her "the emu has landed." She realizes Maddox must have sent Jonah to spy. "Jonah Bond," Amy scoffs. "Double-O f*ck-off."</p><p>Selina arrives at the pub for her photo op along with the Deputy Prime Minister. She chats with the bar's owner but struggles to understand his thick accent. She and Peter "pull a pint" together for the cameras, and in an effort to one-up Peter, she chugs her pint. The owner calls out encouragement. "Down in one, sweetheart," which Selina mishears as "Daniwah." Assuming it's a kind of cheers, Selina continually repeats it to the delight of the press, although Amy realizes they are "laughing at her like a toddler they taught to swear!"</p><p>Selina prepares for the Great War memorial service. Gary gives her a small, tasteful hat to wear -- "the cherry on top of the most delicious sundae" -- but Ray has other ideas. He convinces Selina to wear a much larger, garish hat that Gary deems "too hatty."</p><p>Amy shows Dan a London paper making fun of the Veep's pub blunder and refers to Dan as the "Dani-Blah: VP's Campaign Boy Blunder." He insists it's only one paper, which he can handle. "I can chop this thing in two like a disputed kitten," Dan says.</p><p>Selina reviews Mike's memorial speech but worries it's too poetic. Dan tells him they need to hit the blue-collar demographic and jumps on the opportunity to let Ray "normalfy it." Witnessing Dan's bad choices and Ray's even worse "corrections," Amy sneaks off and, using a fake British accent, calls Jonah to give him a story about Ray for his blog.</p><p>Jonah meets with a local reporter, Rob, and reveals that Selina is "f*cking her personal trainer." Rob is nonplussed, but Jonah goes on to explain that Ray once had a blog and reveals that Ray once claimed "obesity is a punishment for sins committed in a previous life. Fat people have to learn self-discipline until they are rid of the demon that lives within them."</p><p>Mike and Ben attempt to keep Peter from knowing that Selina is discussing the TSO move with the German chancellor, but he points out that he can see the top of her ridiculous hat above the wooden partition. "So we're all perfectly comfortable standing here pretending that we can't quite clearly see the Vice President in the Lady Chapel, with the German Chancellor, finalizing a deal about the TSO?" he asks. Ben assures him he wouldn't consider it comfortable.</p><p>Selina and Peter give a press conference about the 100th anniversary of the Great War, but the reporters are far more interested in the Ray story, which blindsides Selina. In another room, the staff watches the press conference unfold in horror. Suddenly, Ben is forced to leave for D.C. -- claiming an emergency -- and Dan collapses from a panic attack. While Amy brings Dan to the hospital, Kent takes Ray aside to fire him, but Ray is too stupid to understand.</p><p>Following the press conference, Gary accidentally reveals that Dan hired Ray to be Selina's "sex slave" and that everyone knows this but her. Jonah arrives to at the hospital to tell Dan he's the one who leaked the Ray story, and Selina sends a text firing Dan. Back at the Deputy Prime Minister's residence, Kent reveals that the First Lady attempted suicide, which is why Ben was called away. Selina decides it's time to "get the merry ol' f*ck out of merry ol' England" and officially makes Amy her campaign manager.</p></div>
Debate
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by </b>David Quantick & Tony Roche<br><b>Story by </b>Armando Iannucci & David Quantick & Tony Roche<br><b>Directed by</b> Armando Iannucci</p><p><b>"Ma'am, this is the haircut your head has always wanted but was afraid to ask for." - Amy</b></p><p>At Selina's Maryland campaign headquarters, her staff -- along with Congressman Furlong, Catherine, and Jackson Pulver (a writer Amy brought in to punch up Selina's answers) -- prepares for Selina's first debate in New Hampshire. Gary enters, beating a sorry excuse for a drumroll on his chest, and presents a Selina, made over with a short new haircut and pantsuit. Everyone struggles to mask their horror. "Just imagine," Furlong says to Catherine, "that's what you'll look like when you become a boy."</p><p>Uncharacteristically calm, Dan arrives and mistakes Selina for a man. Selina welcomes him back because she "needs his brain" but warns him not to go "schizo-titzo" on her again.</p><p><b>"It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy." - Mike</b></p><p>Selina joins her staff for debate prep and warns them that Joe Thornhill is the candidate they need to watch out for most. Dan reveals that the ex-baseball manager once had an affair, which should be powerful ammunition against him. The group also notices that Selina has developed a rather nasty eye twitch, and Amy urges her to smile through it in hopes of disguising it. Jackson coaches Selina on a variety of talking points, including her position on immigration, which she will present using "the three Rs": reform, reaffirm, and renew.</p><p>Mike confronts Gary about Selina's bad haircut, which has created a "f*ckload" of extra work for him because he has to find a friendly style reporter to help mitigate the bad press. Gary reminds him that Mike's married to a reporter, and Mike rushes off to call Wendy.</p><p><b>"I like the new hair get-up. You'd fit right in in the military." - Maddox</b></p><p>At the University of New Hampshire, Selina and the other candidates trade passive-aggressive jabs backstage before the debate. After Selina and Amy fail to bring down Thornhill's mojo with a mind game, Selina's eye twitch returns with a vengeance.</p><p>Kent notes with dismay that Joe Thornhill's poll numbers skyrocket as he takes the stage; focus groups love him. "The public will vote for anybody they recognize," Senator Doyle says. "We could lose to the whale from ‘Free Willy.'"</p><p>Maddox, on the other hand, isn't doing nearly as well, as he speaks and moves awkwardly on the stage. "He looks like he just came out of the bathroom and then decided that he hadn't finished yet," Doyle notes.</p><p>Amy intercepts Wendy as she arrives, pushing her towards Gary, who's afraid to say anything that will make Selina look bad. Wendy reassures him that now that she's with the Style section she's "basically brain dead."</p><p><b>"She does not say ‘nay to Ray,' you know what I'm sayin'?" - Gary</b></p><p>The moderator asks Selina about the controversy surrounding Ray, her former personal trainer, and for a response to the idea that she "cares too much about image." Backstage, Wendy tells Gary she likes Selina's new look much better than her London outfit, which he doesn't take credit for and blames entirely on Ray. But on stage, Selina denies that anyone but her makes decisions in her office.</p><p>Joe Thornhill answers a question intended for Governor Chung about youth unemployment. He takes center stage, blocking Selina from the camera's view, and tears into her, claiming she has higher priorities than youth unemployment and has "become distracted by the trappings of her office."</p><p>Gary runs to Mike for help diffusing his slip up with Wendy, but Mike only worsens the situation by suggesting that Gary leaked about FLOTUS, not Ray. Wendy presses Mike for details, but he insists he can't reveal anything about the First Lady. He offers her Thornhill's affair in exchange.</p><p><b>"This feels better than actually having sex yourself!" - Amy</b></p><p>After Dan gets confirmation on Thornhill's affair, Amy signals Selina the go-ahead to talk about it. However, Thornhill admits to the affair and explains that he and his wife were able to work things out. He tells America that if they can forgive him, they can vote for him. The audience applauds his candidness. "I hate confessions," Ben laments backstage. "Unless they've been beaten out of someone."</p><p>With Thornhill's confession rendering the story useless, Wendy insists that Mike spill the beans on FLOTUS or let her have the Ray story. When he refuses to budge, Wendy realizes their marriage will always be a conflict of interests. "But that's what marriage is," Mike insists. "A conflict of interests!"</p><p><b>"Hey, I've got three Fs for you: You're f*cked, you f*cking f*cker." - Roger Furlong</b></p><p>Back on stage, Selina answers a question about immigration reform, but she forgets the last of her "three Rs" and scrambles for substitute "repel." "We need to repel unwanted immigration, we need to repel criminals, we need to repel obesity, we need to repel torturers," she tells the audience. Despite Doyle's fear that he's "endorsed a Nazi," Kent and Amy point out that every time Selina says "repel," she attracts more voters.</p><p>The moderator opens up the debate to the audience, and a woman, Angela, explains how her mother lost her house because the bank refused to lower its mortgage rates. She asks the candidates how they'll protect people like her mom from the banks. At the same time, Maddox sees Selina's eye twitch and reflexively looks at her with disgust. The camera catches the look, which appears to be at Angela. Caught off guard, he bumbles incoherently about closing "loopholes and legitimate holes," repeating "hole" over and over again.</p><p><b>"Thank god for Twitchy. He really saved us. I love that on a guy." - Ben</b></p><p>After the debate, Kent reviews the polls: Thornhill leads with Selina in close second; Maddox comes in last with a meager 8 percent. "Maddox dialed M," Kent notes, "for murdered himself." Jonah, in hopes of saving his career, approaches Dan to apologize for being insensitive about his mental health issues. "Go f*ck yourself, Jack and the Giant Freakstalk," Dan tells him. "Your team lost, and you should be fitted with a leper bell, you sinking shit."</p></div>
Crate
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by </b>Simon Blackwell & Georgia Pritchett<br><b>Story by </b>Armando Iannucci & Simon Blackwell & Georgia Pritchett<br><b>Directed by</b> Chris Addison</p><p><b>"I can be normal. I can be so folksy…doing the folksy thing…with folks." – Selina</b></p><p>At Selina's New Hampshire campaign offices, she and her staff watch a speech given by Joe Thornhill. "Listen to this idiot -- they're not even sound bites, just sounds!" Amy says of his speech. Dan notes that the ex-baseball manager "cornholed" them in Iowa, and Amy admits that he's killing Selina in the polls. Ben promises Selina that they'll get her out stumping with the public to help boost her numbers, and Kent presents her with a crate, on which she can stand and address the public. "It's folksy, it's traditional…and it's reinforced with titanium, so you won't fall through," he explains. Kent leaves for D.C. to be with POTUS, who's having a difficult time with the First Lady following her suicide attempt.</p><p><b>"Your uncle controls a lot of votes, sure, but you? If you tried to clap you'd miss your hands." – Bill Ericsson </b></p><p>Jonah meets with Bill Ericsson for breakfast, and Ericsson inquires about the state of the Maddox camp. Jonah admits the campaign is in complete chaos. "People can smell the stench of death, and they're running for the lifeboats," he reveals. Jonah tells him that he's waiting on an offer from Danny Chung's camp, but Ericsson calls his bluff -- he talked with someone on the campaign earlier that morning and knows that no offer is coming. He only met with Jonah to confirm that "the Maddox camp is hemorrhaging like a burst dog."</p><p><b>"She thinks it looks folksy, but she really looks like Dustin Hoffman on a crate." – Mike </b></p><p>While Selina tours a mall, Amy brings word that Quincy Carter, the editor of the New Hampshire Globe, has arrived to speak with the Veep. "Oh god, that Dickensian shit-stack?" Selina mutters. Dan reminds her that Quincy can swing the entire New Hampshire vote. Quincy informs Selina that they're planning to run a story on her crate -- "Crate Expectations" -- which reveals the "folksy" crate cost $1,200 to make. Dan retrieves Mike from his lunch with Wendy to smooth things over with Quincy, who agrees to do an in-depth interview instead.</p><p><b>"Like you've always said honey, haters gonna hate." – Jonah's mom</b></p><p>Having lost his job with the Maddox camp, Jonah searches for a new gig from his mother's house. He begs his mom to talk to his uncle Jeff Kane, who controls the senior vote in New Hampshire. "I want a job on my own merits," he explains, "and I think that he's the guy who can get it for me." Despite a rocky relationship with her brother, Jonah's mom makes the call on "Jay Jay's" behalf. Jeff agrees to give Chung's camp a call, but the deal falls apart after he takes offense to something Jonah's mom says. Jeff hangs up on her.</p><p>Immediately following a strange and uncomfortable interview with Quincy, Selina bad mouths him. "He has his head so far up his ass he can wave out his mouth," she complains. Sue announces that they've received another campaign donation -- $4,000 -- which she labels as a GUMMI donation: Give Us More Money, Idiot. Ben asks her, "Whatever happened to HADDA? ‘How About Digging Deeper, Assholes?'" Amy notices that Quincy left his phone on Selina's desk, and it's recorded everything. Dan turns it off, but no one can decide what to do about the audio file before the phone locks. Quincy returns, and they're forced to hand the phone over with the incriminating recording intact.</p><p><b>"Life can be very challenging. Sometimes, through no fault of your own, it's just one disaster after another." – Selina </b></p><p>As Selina prepares to head to a community center, Sue informs her that two of the donors withdrew their donations. Quincy ran a story about the GUMMI code, writing that "any organization donating to the Meyer campaign may want to reflect on how its tight-fisted idiocy is mocked by the woman on the $1,200 crate." Selina realizes that she's sunk, having lost Iowa and now New Hampshire. "Do you know what V.P. stands for?" she asks her staff. "Victory Perma-f*cked." She storms off, calling everyone losers.</p><p>The group arrives at the community center and is hounded by the press about the donor story. The community center director introduces Selina to a Syrian couple who had a hellish time leaving their country. Selina, on the verge of tears over her failed campaign, appears deeply sympathetic to their plight. Amy interrupts their conversation to tell Selina that Kent's returned from D.C., and he's "acting weird -- not normal-weird but weird-weird."</p><p>In the hallway, Kent tells Selina that the First Lady isn't in a good place mentally. POTUS has decided that he wants to devote more time to looking after her and is going to resign. "It's not a dress rehearsal, it's not a drill," he tells her. "You are going to be the President." Selina excuses herself to the bathroom and Gary follows her inside. She shares the big news, which excites him so much he gets a nosebleed.</p><p><b>"This is better than any of the sex I've had -- almost any of it!" – Dan</b></p><p>Selina returns to the Syrian couple in a much better frame of mind, though she's just as unable to listen as before. Ben interrupts once he gets word that POTUS is resigning in 48 hours and they need to get back to D.C. Amy points out that Selina is still technically running a campaign, so she must elect someone to stay behind and be the face of the campaign. Selina chooses Gary, which devastates him.</p></div>
New Hampshire
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by</b> Simon Blackwell & Tony Roche<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci & Simon Blackwell Tony Roche<br><b>Directed by</b> Chris Addison</p><p><b>"God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy." – Selina</b></p><p>En route to D.C., the staff celebrates Selina's impending presidential transition. Amy reminds Selina that she still also has to campaign for her election, though it falls on deaf ears. Instead, Selina is delighted to receive a congratulatory voicemail from Beyoncé, calling her a "single lady."</p><p>Selina returns to her offices and is greeted by an excited mob. Sue informs her of her swearing in ceremony the following day and notes that, afterwards, Selina will acquire the nuclear codes. "Goodbye, China," Ben mutters. As her first order of business, Selina tells Kent to get rid of Leslie Carr. Kent questions specifics about the particular name, but she blows him off.</p><p><b>"It's going to be Def-Con fun." – Ben</b></p><p>Selina takes Ben aside and asks him to be her acting chief of staff. He begs her to spare him, claiming he was "bulimic the whole first year but didn't even lose any weight." She threatens to bring back Prohibition if he doesn't agree to continue in his role.</p><p>Kent calls for a meeting with Dan in a storage closet and informs him that the Washington Post has traced the Danny Chung torture rumor back to its source -- aka, "the river Dan." Dan begs for 24 hours to find a solution, and Kent agrees to six hours. "I'll see you then," Kent says. "Alternatively, goodbye forever." Dan rushes to find Ben, but the chief of staff denies ever telling him the story. "The f*ck stops here, Dan."</p><p><b>"The web made me, I can't denounce it. That's like Peter denouncing Christ. Or worse." – Jonah</b></p><p>Dan meets with Jonah, who tells him he's done in D.C. and has plans to head to Africa "to help install sewage systems in poor communities or go to Wall Street -- one of the two." Dan tells him that's too bad, since they have a position for him in the White House, on the condition that he deny to the press that the Chung torture rumor came from the Veep's office</p><p>Out of deference to the former First Lady, Selina is sworn into office in a White House state room with no pomp or circumstance. While she recites the oath, Mike bumps into a lamp, interrupting her recitation.</p><p><b>"I'm like a boom op on a porn shoot right now." – Jonah </b></p><p>Jonah finds Dan to complain that he's buried so far in the West Wing that he's "practically in Pyongyang." He's receiving massive amounts of hate from the internet community after blaming the web for the Chung torture story, which includes a meme of him having sex with a chicken while dressed as Bin Laden. Jonah adds: "And it's really well done so it legitimately looks like I'm engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims."</p><p><b>"The perfect shoe for the perfect moment for the perfect life of the perfect woman." – Gary</b></p><p>Gary presents Selina with a pair of "special shoes" she told him she wanted to wear if she ever became president. Selina pretends to be touched by the gesture, despite being thoroughly creeped out. As Selina approaches the podium to give her first address as president, she realizes that the "perfect shoes" squeak. Ben, Dan, Gary, and Mike watch on in horror as Twitter explodes with the headline "President squeaks to the nation."</p><p>Following her address, Selina threatens her staff that "any f*ck-up from now on is not just a f*ck-up, it's my legacy." Adding insult to injury, Kent informs her that her decision to remove Leslie Kerr from State has freaked out the Iranians. Selina tells him she didn't mean Leslie Kerr, she meant Leslie Carr, "that bitch from Energy." Kent explains that she meant Leanne Carr. Selina freaks out, and asks if she could just say it was an error, but Ben warns her that it would be terrible public relations. "You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the f*ckin' Lincoln Memorial." Selina orders Kent to New Hampshire to "attach some electrodes to the corpse" of her campaign.</p><p><b>"We just need bodies now, Amy. Warm, upright bodies that can still punch a hole in a card." – Kent</b></p><p>Kent and Amy discuss campaign tactics after watching a new advertisement from Joe Thornhill blasting Selina. Kent admits they need the support of Jonah's uncle, Jeff Kane, now that Maddox has backed out of the race. Amy orders Dan to talk to Jonah, who remains miffed about his new position in the White House. He'll only help if Dan hires him an assistant, as well as gets him West Exec parking and mess hall privileges. "You want a Jonah?" Dan asks. "Yeah," Jonah says. "And henceforth, they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the f*ck that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah!"</p><p>Dan and Ben tell Selina that Maddox and Pierce have publically endorsed Chung. She decides they need to head to New Hampshire to do a photo op among the people, as long as it's not at a hospice. "I can't risk some f*cker flat-lining right next to me," she mutters.</p><p><b>"It's not like I'm trying to get sworn-in by an Elvis impersonator." – Selina </b></p><p>Selina heads to a factory that manufactures protective gear for firefighters and the employees love her. Amy delights over the fact that Selina is "so good at making people believe she's good with people."</p><p>Ben interrupts Selina's tour to tell her that she's not actually the President. She messed up the oath when Mike bumped into the lamp and now the Speaker is demanding she be sworn in properly. Selina refuses to head back to D.C. and demands that they find a local federal justice to swear her in at the factory. "It could be really great for us," Amy agrees. "Play up to New Hampshire's already inflated sense of self-importance."</p><p>Selina returns to the tour only to be interrupted by Ben, yet again. He's gotten word that Iran is "officially pissed" about her decision to fire Leslie Kerr. "Apparently, they like the guy. It must be the beard." He warns that their statement could spook the markets and spike gas prices, so she needs to reinstate Kerr despite it being a PR disaster.</p><p><br><b>"I came in third, Amy. Even the Nazis came in second." – Selina </b></p><p>The night of the New Hampshire Primary, the staff watches the polls dejectedly as Danny Chung is confirmed as the winner, and they wait to learn whether or not Selina comes in second. The final blow comes when CNN confirms Joe Thornhill beat her by 1 percent of the vote, placing her in third. "It's 1 percent, that's nothing," Gary reassures her. "You're basically second. You're second in our eyes, I'll tell you that much."</p><p> </p></div>
Joint Session
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by </b>Simon Blackwell & Georgia Pritchett<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by</b> Chris Addison</p><p><b>"Some content would be nice in this speech. This is just noise-shaped air." -- Dan </b></p><p>The day before Selina is set to give her first address to the Joint Session, Mike, Dan and the new Director of Communications, Jim, struggle to put her speech together. Selina asked for it to be vague but then rejected a draft because it was "too vague." Dan complains that they still don't know what Selina wants in the address. "What are we supposed to do? Google it like a best man speech?"</p><p>In the Oval Office, Ben and Sue brief Selina on her appointments and disastrous world events. Disappointed he's not allowed to join her in an intelligence briefing, Gary is further aggrieved when a Secret Service agent requests the bag -- and only the bag -- be brought in to Selina.</p><p><b>"This is a man's hang now. It doesn't reek of moisturizer and vaginal spray anymore -- and that was just Dan!" -- Furlong </b></p><p>Jonah arrives at Vice President Doyle's offices, where Doyle tasks him with being his "West Wing wiretap". Doyle complains that Selina is freezing him out, perpetuating the "cycle of abuse." Afterwards, Teddy Sykes, Doyle's Chief of Staff, confronts Jonah about not arranging his visit to go through him first. Jonah apologizes and Teddy appears to brush it off. "We need guys like you," he tells Jonah. "This game takes guts." Then Teddy grabs Jonah's crotch, explaining that the VP's office also "takes balls" and "you got ‘em, buddy." As Jonah moves towards the elevator, Teddy blocks him, asking Jonah to let him know when he's dropping by in the future. "I'll always let you in," he says, pointedly.</p><p>Selina reviews polling figures with Ben, Kent and Dan as she tries to figure out a way to make budget cuts while also introducing spending for her Families First plan. Ben advises her to do a "cock-thumb," which Dan defines for her: "We propose a radical cut to the military, cutting off the cock; the Joint Chiefs in turn propose their own more reasonable cut, cutting off the thumb." Selina agrees to the plan.</p><p><b>"It's a nice room…for a lonely suicide or an affair with your secretary." -- Ericsson</b></p><p>After hearing rumors that presidential candidate Joe Thornhill may be quitting the race, Amy takes a meeting with his campaign manager, Bill Ericsson, at a local hotel. Ericsson reveals that Thornhill is not quitting -- but Thornhill is. Furthermore, Ericsson says he finds her job as Selina's campaign manager very interesting, which puts Amy on edge.</p><p>Gary, anxious at having been shut out of the President's life, takes Dan's suggestion to observe her through the "FLOTUS window" that looks into the Oval Office. "A lot of anxious first ladies use it," Dan smirks.</p><p>Selina, Ben and Kent meet with the Joint Chiefs and successfully "cock-thumb" them; the Joint Chiefs propose to cut a submarine program which will save $50 billion. Selina, Ben and Kent celebrate. "That wasn't a cock-thumb -- that was a cock-cock!" Selina shouts. Adds Ben, with delight: "I nearly puked." Jonah, having spotted the unscheduled meeting through Gary's FLOTUS window, runs to inform Doyle, who arrives too late and out of breath.</p><p><b>"It's Congressman Furlong to you, Gray Elvis." -- Furlong</b></p><p>The next day, Selina reviews her speech before she addresses the Joint Session. "It's 50 shades of great!" she exclaims. As she prepares to leave, Gary takes her glasses out of her pocket, claiming the bulge makes it look like she has a penis. After Selina leaves, Congressman Furlong enters and confronts Selina's staff about the submarine program she is about to cut, a move that would "torpedo" 1,900 jobs in his district. Though Amy insists that the fleet is as useless as having an "anti-unicorn strategy," Furlong reminds them that the parts of a submarine are not made in one place -- but many. "We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere, so take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you!" He assures them that Selina can say goodbye to her Families First bill as a result. "Lawmakers in these districts are going to Vulcan death grip you to f**k," he promises.</p><p><b>"My entire career just flashed before my eyes. It was incredibly impressive." -- Dan </b></p><p>Ben delivers the bad news to Selina right before she takes the podium. She orders Ben to have the submarine cuts removed from the speech -- and fast. Although she has a hard copy to work from while her team rewrites and the Teleprompter is blank, Selina is unable to read it because Gary took away her glasses. "Why have you blinded the President, Gary?" Dan asks the bagman, who admits, "No one hates me as much as I hate myself right now."<br>Selina wings her opening as her staff works furiously. She calls for a long moment of silence for President Hughes and the former first lady, as if they are dead, and waits for her speech to reappear on the Teleprompter. Unfortunately, Mike has uploaded the wrong draft, which still contains placeholders and blanks. Selina is forced to improvise once more, and when the text updates again, it contains the President Hughes's old spending plan. Selina announces an increase to spending on the submarine fleet she had planned to cut. Afterwards, Selina admonishes her staff for their massive screw-up. "Whole cities of children were going to be saved from poverty," she seethes. "Now, that money is going to fund obsolete, metal, giant dildos."</p></div>
East Wing
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by </b>Kevin Cecil, Roger Drew & Andy Riley<br><b>Story by </b>Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by</b> Stephanie Laing</p><p><b>"I think it's called ‘The Man Who Shits Triangles.'" -- Ben</b></p><p>Mike gives a morning press briefing about Selina's first state visit from the Israeli Prime Minister. Jonah, Teddy and VP Doyle watch the briefing on TV, and Jonah realizes that Mike has dyed his moustache a brighter shade of orange. Afterwards, Teddy informs Jonah that on his advice to Doyle, Jonah will join Dan in persuading Congressmen to back the Families First Bill. Jonah's excitement doesn't last long; as Teddy leaves, he gives Jonah's balls a quick tap.</p><p>The President prepares for the state visit with her staff. Selina tasks Gary with making the state dinner pretty, pointing at a hideous abstract painting and explaining, "i.e., the opposite of that f**king monstrosity. What is that, Picasso's heavy period?" Selina moves on to discussing her campaign, announcing that she's bringing Bill Ericsson on as her new Director of Communications. Catherine asks to be a given a "core role" in the administration. Kent fakes a national security issue to get Catherine to leave before informing Selina he's polled Catherine's popularity and found that her "likability index is shallow."</p><p><b>"If anyone doesn't know the difference between a valence and a jabot, I really need you to leave." -- Gary</b></p><p>Gary orders staffers around while decorating for the Israeli Prime Minister's visit. The décor is already overly extravagant and expensive, but Gary pushes for even more luxury. While looking at a floral centerpiece Gary complains, "Oh my God, did we get these from a homeless man's grave? They're molesting my eyes."</p><p>After Selina's successful press junket with the Israeli PM, Mike and Jim bring word that the painting Selina spoke against earlier was removed, and, as it was the only work by a Native American artist currently on display in the White House, the community is taking it as a slight. </p><p>In response, Selina causally informs Jim that he should ask Ericsson to issue a statement, as Ericsson is replacing him.</p><p><b>"We do have Native American staff. They are on a list that you're going to give me in 30 minutes. Now get me some scalps. Names. Get me some names." -- Mike</b></p><p>Jonah and Dan meet with Congressman Pierce to discuss Selina's Families First initiative. Dan strikes a deal with Pierce to bowl at the exclusive White House bowling alley in order to get him on board, but Jonah takes it one step further, promising a game with Selina, plus a photo op -- something he can't authorize and which is probably impossible to schedule.</p><p>The President meets with the Israeli PM to discuss a timetable for peace talks. Trouble arises when the prime minister and Israeli dignitary spot Ben getting notes passed to him, and guess that they're about the Native American painting. They point out the irony of Selina talking to them about occupation when America occupies "someone else's continent".</p><p><b>"Gary, your inner child needs to grow an outer man." -- Amy</b></p><p>Guilty and upset, Gary informs Sue and Amy that he's the one who removed the painting, and what's worse, the press found out he spent far too much money on the state dinner. They insist he tells Selina, but Selina dismisses him, claiming not to have time to speak with him. Furthermore, she says she needs to acquire more "butt-ugly Native American paintings" because the first one was "removed by some jerk-off with a hairball for a brain."</p><p>Jonah and Dan meet with another member of Congress to discuss Families First, and Jonah insists on taking the reins. When the Congresswoman asks about a contradiction in the bill, Jonah freezes, then invites her to a private screening of Martin Scorsese's latest film, claiming Scorsese will be in attendance. When the Congresswoman steps away, Dan confronts Jonah about his fib. Jonah insists he needs a staff to keep him informed about White House policy, or he'll reveal that Dan was behind the Danny Chung torture rumor.</p><p><b>"He's eager and hard-working and never complains, and every night I dream of drowning him." -- Amy</b></p><p>Dan takes Amy's over-enthusiastic staffer, Richard Splett, and makes him Jonah's assistant, which simultaneously solves his problem with Jonah and leaves Amy in his debt. Richard quickly warms to Jonah, thinking Jonah's the "coolest guy" he ever met. Jonah, in turn, is thrilled to have someone between him and the "hands-on" Teddy.</p><p>Ben, Ericsson and Sue discuss Gary's extravagant spending for the state dinner and whether or not to inform POTUS. "I didn't know they made lampshades out of Unobtainium," Ben remarks. Sue reminds them that Selina has a lot on her plate right now, and it might be a bad idea to add this to her troubles.</p><p><b>"Did somebody make you First Lady? Because I don't remember marrying you, Gary. I don't remember f**king you in Niagara Falls!" -- Selina</b></p><p>Selina arrives at the gaudy, expensive state dinner, and Ben tells her it was Gary's doing. Furthermore, Gary is the one who removed the controversial Native American painting. Selina is livid that the press are focusing on the dinner and painting instead of the groundbreaking peace deal she brokered with Israel.</p><p>After the dinner, Selina corners Gary in his office and berates him. She accuses him of having suckered onto her "like a car-window Garfield" and tells him he's worthless. At the end of her tirade, Gary stands up for himself, asking when Catherine's birthday is and whose daughter is in rehab in order to prove how much Selina depends on him. "I'm your calendar, I'm your Google, I'm your Wilson the volleyball," he says, before exploding and begging her to find someone else who would "do what I did" on Labor Day. Selina immediately backs down, acknowledging that Gary is indeed irreplaceable, and the only person she can trust implicitly. Another, more personal, peace deal is tentatively brokered between the two of them.</p></div>
Data
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by </b>Simon Blackwell, Rob Gibbons & Neil Gibbons<br><b>Story by </b>Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by</b> Becky Martin</p><p><b>"This is catching fire like a gas station in a Michael Bay movie." -- Mike</b></p><p>Selina does a CBS interview about the Families First Bill, citing several children in need of aid, including an aspiring ballerina who became HIV positive via breastmilk. Later that day, Dan informs Ben that Red-dit users put the information together and outed the little girl, Jennifer Graham.</p><p>"People are keeping their kids home from school because they don't want them to, quote, ‘catch AIDS'," Dan says. Mike and Bill Ericsson arrive, looking for direction on how to handle the situation, but Ben refuses to tell Selina until they can find out where the data came from.</p><p>Catherine brings a newspaper to Selina, upset that the press won't leave her -- and her personal life -- alone. Unaware that the press has been hounding Mike for a statement about Jennifer Graham, Selina walks into his briefing to ask the press to back off from Catherine's private life. A reporter takes the op-portunity to ask a blindsided Selina if she feels that "the same privacy should be given to an 8-year-old with HIV".</p><p>Ben informs Selina that there's been a data breach: medical and social security records, including Jen-nifer Graham's, were hacked by a member of her campaign team and subsequently used in the Families First press pack. Selina demands her staff find a scapegoat to fire since the responsible party would be impossible to identify. "There are hordes of young women who roam the halls of the West Wing," Ben advises. "Fifteen percent of them were hired to be fired." Selina charges Dan with "sacrificing a virgin".</p><p><b>"Screwed over by The Police -- I'm Rodney f**king King." -- Selina</b></p><p>Backstage at Selina's campaign rally, Mike pulls Amy aside to tell her that VP Doyle is walking out to "Every Breath You Take" by The Police -- a song that could be seen to be about spying. "Every line ends with, ‘I'll be watching you,'" Mike hisses. "Sting might as well be singing ‘I'll access your medical data' in a fake Jamaican accent."</p><p>Amy and Mike demand that Jonah change Doyle's music, but he resists because the song is timed to a lightshow. Richard suggests they use "Eye of the Tiger" instead, but "Every Breath You Take" plays acci-dentally anyway. "I usually use a Mac, so this is Windows 8's fault, if it's anybody's," Richard says.</p><p>Following the rally, Amy informs Selina that they're losing their micro-donors and will soon be down to nano-donors because people want to be removed from the database, fearing it isn't secure. Selina de-cides to make a statement to the press about Jennifer Graham. She admits having no knowledge of the data breach but takes full responsibility and vows to hold someone accountable. Her sober tone is, un-fortunately, at odds with the ill-timed firework display that starts behind her.</p><p>Dan informs Selina that he's found a scapegoat in Lee Patterson, a young female staffer who was in the writers' room for the Joint Session address and was also at the campaign rally. After getting Selina's okay, Dan fires Lee, who asks if he will spare her if she cries "like the women do in movies." Dan assures her it won't work because she's "talking to a guy who once broke off an engagement at an Applebee's and then ordered dessert." </p><p><b>"Is there no other news? Whatever happened to Ebola? I loved Ebola." -- Ericsson</b></p><p>The next day, news outlets question the "Medileaks" scandal and how far up the chain-of-command it went. Because Lee's firing did nothing to quell the press, Selina asks who is "next for the guillotine". Dan proudly announces that he's been fattening up Jonah for just this occasion, linking him with all of the recent campaign screw-ups. As an added bonus, Dan explains, Jonah has an inherently guilty face, kind of like a "surprised masturbator". Selina asks Dan to throw Jonah under the bus -- if he can "find one that's long enough".</p><p>While Dan attempts to fire Jonah, Teddy passes and gropes his testicles. Then Richard arrives with a sandwich. He asks if Dan is firing Jonah for the "campaign data thing", revealing that Selina's "I Care" mailer was deliberately targeted at recently bereaved parents. Someone from the campaign used child-mortality data from the same federal data breach that identified 8-year-old Jennifer Graham. Dan swears them both to secrecy before calling Amy, telling her, "Amy, the gates of Hell have opened and you're my plus-one."</p><p><b>"If Hitler were alive right now, he would be very anxious to distance himself from me at this mo-ment." -- Selina</b></p><p>Dan and Amy burst into the Oval Office to tell Selina about the second data breach, which is a federal crime and could send everyone to jail. The rest of the staff enter, already apprised of the situation; Mike reveals that the second breach came from a student volunteer who's already gone. Ericsson decides that someone very high up within the Meyer administration needs to resign. Ben volunteers himself, despite Selina's objections. "This is a head-on collision and I'm your biggest airbag," he explains.</p><p>In the men's room, Ben reveals to Dan that he's volunteered himself to be fired, but makes Dan promise to keep quiet until it's announced. Meanwhile, the staff prepares for the White House Easter Egg Roll, and Dan, despite his promise to Ben, immediately tells everyone Ben's big news. Shortly after, Kent pulls Dan aside to meet with him and Ben, who informs Dan that the President has changed her mind -- Dan will resign instead. A shocked Dan sits down with Kent and Ben to negotiate a more impressive title to step down from. Mike is already giving a statement to the press and is about to announce the resigna-tion of the wrong guy. Amy rushes to stop him, and a staffer reaches Mike moments before he mistak-enly tells the press that Ben is being fired. Mike announces that Dan is stepping down.</p><p>Dan leaves, taunted by Jonah, and then the press. He makes some calls but no one in DC wants to talk to him. He's toxic.</p></div>
Tehran
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by</b> Ian Martin & Tony Roche<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by</b> Becky Martin</p><p><b>"Imagine being detained for two weeks just because you're a journalist. And a shithead." -- Mike</b></p><p>Dan, at home in his messy apartment, drinks a beer while watching news coverage of the President's historic Middle East peace tour. After successful visits to Jordan and Egypt, Selina's stay in Israel goes so well she extends it by a day. Later that week, news outlets report that Selina has ended her 10-day world tour with a surprise, historic, visit to Iran. There is hope that while there, she'll secure the release of detained reporter Leon West.</p><p>Aboard Air Force One, Mike tells Selina that Leon is being detained another hour, so they have to wait to leave in order to get a photo op with him. Selina, bursting with energy following her successful visit, announces that she wants to use that hour to "cure diabetes. Or learn Italian!"</p><p><b>"In my family, basketball is a religion. Also Catholicism. That's actually the main one." -- Richard</b></p><p>Bill Ericsson gives a statement to the press about Selina's delay in the Middle East. As a result, VP Doyle will be picking up part of her schedule, starting with the Rainbow Jersey event, which supports "all sexualities in sports." Selina and Ben watch a live feed of the event, where Doyle struggles through a statement filled with gender-specific references that was originally prepared for Selina.</p><p>During Doyle's speech, Kent reveals to Amy that he's been polling Doyle against other potential VP candidates. Amy pushes him out into the hallway to yell at him because Selina promised Doyle she wouldn't poll anyone else -- even though Kent didn't know that. "Yet again," Amy seethes, "the left hand has no idea what the right hand is doing and the freakish middle hand is punching me repeatedly in the tits!"</p><p><b>"Leon? He's the asshole of an asshole's asshole. I feel bad for the guys who had to guard him." -- Mike</b></p><p>Mike receives Leon at the Tehran hotel where he's been detained, and tells him he'll be flying home aboard Air Force One. "I'm shallow enough for that to be exciting," Leon says.</p><p>After finally getting a job offer from lobbyist Sidney Purcell, Dan takes a tour of the firm. Purcell wants Dan to take on clients that are best-served by him "shitting on the Meyer agenda." In turn, Purcell promises, he'll make Dan so rich that he could pay Bill Gates to give him a lap dance.</p><p>Teddy confronts Jonah about Doyle's terrible speech. "I'm not in the blame game, but that rainbow-colored cluster-f**k in there was entirely your fault." When he goes to grab Jonah's balls, Jonah blurts out that Kent Davison has been polling other candidates for VP. Teddy is pleased that Jonah has thrown someone "into the blender" to save his own ass and outlines a plan: Jonah will leak to the press that Doyle is unhappy and thinking of walking, forcing POTUS to back him. "Give me both barrels," Teddy commands, grabbing Jonah's testicles.</p><p>Selina welcomes Leon aboard Air Force One. He's desperate to eat and sleep, but a wired Selina is oblivious to his needs. Instead, she insists on briefing him on her peace talks, revealing that she was delayed a day in Israel. Putting two and two together, Leon concludes that it looks like she purposefully kept him detained the extra day. He threatens to board the press plane and tell them that the U.S. Government deliberately kept him imprisoned in Iran. Ben orders Gary to retrieve Mike from the press plane; Selina tells Ben they need to take off immediately to keep Leon from talking to the press even though that means leaving Gary and Mike behind.</p><p><b>"I've never had strong feelings for a plane, but right now I'd cheat on Wendy with that thing." -- Mike</b></p><p>Inside the Tehran airport, Gary and Mike watch as Air Force One takes off without them and then they scramble to find the "back-up plane." Once onboard, they discover that the back-up plane will be grounded for a week until a replacement part arrives. In order to bribe their way onto the press plane, Mike fills trash bags with liquor miniatures. "In a dry country," he explains, "the man with all the booze holds the cards."</p><p>Jonah, in a car with Leon's mother and Richard, receives a call from Ericsson inquiring about trouble in the VP's office. Thinking that Ericsson is referring to Teddy's grabby hands, Jonah fills him in. He's mortified to discover that he's on speakerphone, and not only have Kent and Sue heard the sordid details, but Catherine has also burst into the room to announce that she's engaged. Jonah hangs up in a rage. "We got nothing out of that but a funny story," notes a baffled Ericsson.</p><p><b>"Why in the name of pixelated f**k would you do that?" -- Selina</b></p><p>Ericsson and Kent call Selina to tell her about Kent's secret polling and Doyle's threat to walk. They propose tell Doyle about the data breach that targeted recently bereaved parents, in order to bind him to the administration.</p><p>Running through the airport to the press plane, Gary's booze-filled bag breaks, scattering tiny liquor bottles all over the floor. He and Mike scramble to get them back in the bag as armed guards approach them.</p><p>Aboard Air Force One, Selina wakes an extremely exhausted Ben to tell him that she wants to bring in an old friend from her lawyering days -- Karen Collins -- and appoint her as her new senior advisor. She needs someone "organized and capable" in the wake of all the recent turmoil. Meanwhile, Mike calls Wendy from the Tehran airport. "Turns out you can't buy a boarding pass with tiny bottles of Jack Daniels," he laments.</p></div>
Convention
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by</b> Sean Gray & David Quantick<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by</b> Stephanie Laing</p><p><b>"I just tune her out -- like living next to a highway." -- Ben</b></p><p>Catherine practices reading her speech for the national convention but is quickly overwhelmed by her mother's criticism. Meanwhile, Amy becomes increasingly agitated by Karen, the President's old friend and new senior advisor, who has yet "to speak a declarative sentence."</p><p>At Purcell's office, Dan is brought in to lobby for one of the country's biggest zucchini exporters. Every-one from the Meyer Administration is out of town for the convention, and so Dan desperately throws Jonah's name into the conversation when asked who he has access to, for a meeting.</p><p>Selina and Karen analyse the kiss Catherine and her fiancé Jason's intend to do at the end of her conven-tion appearance, whilst Amy urges Selina to concentrate on her own speech. Sue enters with news that a death row inmate in Louisiana was given a new drug cocktail but it only half-worked. As Ben explains, he's been "halfacuted."</p><p>Teddy confirms the data breach linked to the "I Care" campaign mailers with VP Doyle, who decides that, between the breach and the secret polling, he's going to leave the ticket. Teddy urges him to change his mind. "There's only one midget that I'm going to let tell me what to do, and I'm going to go tell her that I'm done," he explains. Teddy retorts: "She doesn't have time to replace you. What's she going to do? Pin a dick on Gary and give him the job?"</p><p><b>"I wish I was that guy on Death Row." -- Selina</b></p><p>Sue brings word that Senator O'Brien has chosen New Mexico senator Laura Montez to be his running mate. Montez, as Selina describes her, is brilliant, pretty, charming, a woman and "f**king ethnic." "He gets sexy-Mexy. What am I stuck with?" Selina complains, "Steve Martin's boring older brother." She wishes she could ditch Doyle and replace him with Danny Chung. Her prayers are answered when Doyle arrives and tells her he's stepping off the ticket after the election, when he will get in his Dodge and get the hell out of Dodge. She tries to hide her joy.</p><p>Since the data breach can't be revealed to the public, Selina and Ben force Doyle to say he's resigning because of "prostate issues." To make him stick to the script, Ben reveals that Jonah's been sexually harassed by Teddy. "He's been fondling Jonah's balls like he's trying to figure out what the prize inside is," Ben explains, adding that Doyle can't be "a man of principle" when he's condoning sexual abuse in his own office. "Who are you, the Pope?"</p><p>Dan greets Jonah and Richard, and introduces them to Purcell. Dan is humiliated when he's forced to make them coffee. In the meeting with the client, Dan attempts to big Jonah up, whilst Purcell receives the news that Doyle is quitting the ticket. Dan and Jonah panic, and call Amy.</p><p><b>"I wish someone would sexually assault my staff. And by staff, I mean penis." -- Furlong</b></p><p>Selina meets with Danny Chung to discuss him joining the ticket. He asks for time to consult his wife -- and his bible -- on the decision.</p><p>Doyle, in front of Congressman Furlong, confronts Teddy about "twirling Jonah's balls like they're some kind of exotic stress reducer." Doyle orders him to use his "dirty hands" to clean out his desk and fires him. "Sir, everything I have done has been to serve you," Teddy explains. "And that goes double for fon-dling Jonah."</p><p>Chung returns a short while later and tells Selina that he has issues with how her administration oper-ates and so he can't be her VP. She's furious, but begs him to take the job. He turns her down.</p><p>With Chung out, the staff debate other possible VP candidates. Amy suggests Tom James, whom every-one but Selina and sycophantic Karen agree is the perfect choice. Selina sends Mike to round up former Secretary of Defence George Maddox. Sue informs Selina that the man on death row has died. Selina's reaction is : good – one less thing to worry about.</p><p>When Selina meets with Maddox he tries to endear himself by making some terrible jokes. Ironically, though, it's when he becomes serious and tells the President that there's a perception she's bad at get-ting things that he blows his chances. Selina pretends Ben has summoned her next door and dismisses Maddox, who leaves, looking glum.</p><p><b>"You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets. And maybe slavery." -- Amy</b></p><p>Selina goes through all the running mates she went through before choosing Doyle. An increasingly ex-asperated Amy continues to suggest Tom James, but it falls on Selina's deaf ears. "We need a Tom James-y type, from the South," Selina says, then suggests inept Congressman Pierce. Selina asks Karen's opinion on Pierce, who acknowledges there's "pros and cons to every candidate," and Amy finally loses it. "Have you been sent from the future to destroy me?" Amy asks her, "Because it's working!" She then turns her anger on Selina, telling her, "You have two settings: No decision and bad decision. I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by, but yet, you are running America." At the end of her tirade, Amy quits, telling Selina that she has been such a terrible President that she will be the reason that there will be no more female Presidents. After Amy leaves, Selina begins to eye Karen with suspicion. She lets Mike and Kent know that she wants to talk to Tom James after all.</p><p><b>"This guy's an all-American hero. Like Evel Knievel. No, better: Lovely Knovely." -- Mike</b></p><p>Dan, Jonah and Richard are about to call Amy when they realize Amy has quit. They try to come up with a plan, but Jonah immediately screws it up. Ian, the zucchini exporter walks.</p><p>Selina nervously awaits Tom's arrival, admitting to Gary that the one skeleton the seemingly-perfect VP has in his closet is her. Once he arrives, Selina takes Tom aside to ask him to join her on the ticket. "It is with deep regret -- that I'm going to have to accept," he jokes. After a champagne toast, Tom asks if he should sit down with Amy to figure out where he fits into the campaign. Selina explains that she had to let Amy go and immediately appoints Kent as her new campaign manager. A short while later, Ben takes Karen aside and fires her.</p></div>
Storms and Pancakes
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by </b>Georgia Pritchett & Will Smith<br><b>Story by </b>Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by</b> Chris Addison</p><p><b>"Madam President, I'm here to serve. You are the sun, and I the moon...of Jupiter. Not even one of the good ones." -- Tom James</b></p><p>The President and Tom James work a line of supporters at a campaign stop in Pennsylvania. Kent reads the glowing headlines to Gary: "‘Dream Ticket.' ‘Dynamic Duo.' ‘Tom James: Best POTUS We Never Had,'" though Gary warns him not to show that one to Selina. The crowd is in love with Tom, and Selina, refusing to be outshone, won't let Tom have the last word -- or joke.</p><p>On the campaign bus, Selina tells Gary that she believes there's a lot of sexual tension coming from Tom, based on clearly innocuous "signals". She explains that about 12 years ago, she and Tom "almost f**ked," but she's interrupted by a call from Ben and Bill Ericsson, who tell Selina that a large hurricane is "about to take North Carolina from behind".</p><p><b>"I can't fall off. I don't want to break a tit. They weren't cheap." -- Selina </b></p><p>The following day Selina and Tom attend a Bike for Health event in Maine, where once again, the crowd is going gaga for Tom. Mike notes glumly to the others that Amy is still angry with him after he issued a press release saying that she resigned because she was "unstable".</p><p>Dan gives Amy a tour of Sidney Purcell's offices, hoping to get her on the team. Her obsession with her recent resignation is apparent, however, and Dan asks her to cut out "the whole keep-her-away-from-scissors thing" if she wants a lobbying job.</p><p>In a limo heading to an evening event, Selina tentatively questions Tom about their near-encounter 12 years prior, though he doesn't remember it the way she does. Selina admits her humiliation to Gary, who assures her he understands her pain. Selina tells him that's impossible because he's a guy, and thrilled to be considered one, Gary offers to talk to Tom for her, "Like guy on guy." Selina balks at the suggestion and tells Gary he has to stop doing things for her. To prove her point, she wants to fly solo at the following day's pancake brunch.</p><p><b>"Dan Egan is back. Like denim and measles." -- Dan </b></p><p>Dan hosts a networking party for himself, announcing that he's "back from exile". "This is a soulless parade of vanity and ambition," Amy notes. "Isn't it great?" Dan agrees. After a snide comment from a colleague, Amy storms out of the party with Dan in tow. "The best way to get revenge on these people is to use them to make a shitload of money," he advises. "Mark Twain said that." Amy refuses to get involved, claiming to hate D.C. "It chews you up and shits you out and then you are left with nothing but the night sweats and flashbacks." He begs her to find a way to release her anger and frustration, and so Amy starts screaming at the top of her lungs in the middle of the parking garage. After a brush with law enforcement, who believe Dan is assaulting Amy, Dan advises her to "go to a spa, take a Pilates class, go to a f**king church and find someone there that has some Valium and take four of them."</p><p><b>"I feel like I got felt up again, but this time by the law." -- Jonah </b></p><p>Believing that he's been called in for a job interview with Senator Wilkie, Jonah attends a meeting with three middle-aged female staffers -- all tall with short, shaggy hair. He's mortified to learn that there is no job offer; instead, the women are bringing a class-action lawsuit against Teddy Sykes for sexual harassment. Furthermore, Jonah is the only male victim. Humiliated, Jonah refuses to participate, insisting Teddy's actions were just "locker room tomfoolery and nothing more". Once outside, Jonah asks Richard if he really looks like a middle-aged woman. After a pause, Richard assures him he doesn't, though he does have "that one purple shirt that looks a bit blousy".</p><p>On the campaign bus, Gary, Mike and Kent help Selina prep for her unassisted pancake brunch while Tom -- calm, cool and collected -- catches a nap. Despite her prep, Selina flails without Gary's assistance. Tom, on the other hand, does spectacularly well, remembering small details about everyone in attendance, including a man with a colostomy bag who asks Selina to make him a short stack without cow's milk, as it makes him gassy. While Selina is confounded, Tom reveals that he mixed up batter made with soy milk in advance.</p><p>Amy goes to the spa with her sister Sophie but cannot unwind. "Only you could be irritated by gamma waves and a whale," her sister complains. Amy lasts seven minutes before calling Dan to tell him she's relaxed and ready to get back to work.</p><p><b>"Listen to me. You are Beyoncé. He is back-up booty." -- Gary </b></p><p>Dan, Sidney and Amy meet with a potential client, whose business Amy successfully secures. Sidney is so pleased with Amy's work that he gives her Dan's biggest clients, along with his parking space and desk.</p><p>Ben calls Selina and tells her to get back to D.C. faster than a speeding drunk, as the hurricane is about to hit North Carolina. En route, Tom suggests they head to North Carolina <i>before</i> the storm hits, so that Selina is on the ground with people in their hour of need. They teleconference with the North Carolina governor and persuade her to declare a state of emergency despite her misgivings.</p><p>However, Selina and her team arrive in North Carolina and learn that the hurricane veered south to Florida, where Senator O'Brien and his running mate are already campaigning. Instead of the post-storm photo op Selina planned on, she's stuck touring a local factory where Tom, yet again, dazzles the locals.</p></div>
Mommy Meyer
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by</b> Roger Drew & David Quantick<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by</b> Becky Martin</p><p><b>"You don't have the cheekbones for depression." -- Wendy </b></p><p>Over breakfast, Mike complains to Wendy about how stressful his job has become and how much he hates being in the spotlight. Making matters worse, he's "getting hammered on the Families First Bill," which Selina has tasked him with calling the "Meyer Bill." The press, however, have dubbed it the "Mommy Meyer Bill."</p><p>Alongside Bill Ericsson, Kent, Tom James and Ben, the President re-watches herself win the first debate. Sue confirms details of Selina's "relaxing evening" with friends from her lawyering days. She also announces that there has been a shooting in Pittsburgh that left four people dead, including the gunman - an ex-Marine.</p><p>Amy and Dan lobby at the American Concrete Federal Convention. They address a gaggle of attractive young women, brought in to be "sale bait" to lure Congressmen into the room -- "in a way that is deeply feminist," Amy assures them. "We then introduce our client, who makes a sale, in a way that's deeply capitalist," adds Dan.</p><p>In a press conference Mike attempts to clarify the name of the Families First Bill. "It's not the Mommy Meyer Bill, it is the Families First...no, it is the Meyer Bill", he explains. He goes on to deny that it's in trouble, stating that it's as likely to die as his donut habit.</p><p><b>"Shouldn't we be on an elevator to secret bunker? Why isn't there an elevator to a secret bunker?" -- Ericsson</b></p><p>Selina and her team discuss how her Families First bill is "getting crucified on the Hill." Selina insists that the people love it, and she wants to stick with it; Tom James gently suggests he's more in touch with the average American and that they want to pay for their own families -- not other people's families. Suddenly, the Secret Service enter, automatic weapons in hand: There's an intruder in the White House. "I actually think I should have a gun," Selina says, dwarfed by the circle of Secret Service agents surrounding her. "I'm not making a joke. I really would like to have a gun."</p><p>After the Secret Service gives the all clear, Selina demands to know what the intruder was shouting. Ben obliges, revealing that he shouted, "Let me up, I want to kill Tom James and that bitch." Selina is incredulous. "He comes here to kill me and he doesn't even know my name?"</p><p>Richard and Jonah prepare for the Town Hall event; Richard helpfully tests the microphone's ability to deal with plosive sounds with the phrase, "Bring. Back. My. Pig."</p><p><b> "Words don't kill people, unlike guns, which can and did. Which is bad. So bad." -- Mike </b></p><p>Onstage at his Town Hall event, Tom addresses the crowd about Families First. As expected, he's nailing it -- "like Streisand hitting a high C," according to Richard. That is, until he responds to a question about the shooting in Pittsburgh. He labels the gunman a victim, because his "mind was maimed in the service of his country." Jonah and Richard try, and fail, to stop him talking and get him off stage.</p><p>Meanwhile, back at the White House, before Ben can stop her, Selina addresses the press about the intruder incident. He and Ericsson motion her to leave the stage, so she turns the podium over to Mike, who gets hit with questions about Tom's statement. Despite having no real knowledge of what's happened, Mike stumbles his way through some kind of official response.</p><p><b> "He just made an enemy of every stupid person with a gun, and there are a lot of those." -- Amy</b></p><p>Dan and Amy's boss, Sidney Purcell gets word of Tom's statement, and he's not happy. He's worried it will affect his gun and security clients who sell weapons to the military. Amy quickly devises a solution that keeps them out of being involved in any "unhealthy" gun debate.</p><p>Following the press conference, a beleaguered Mike is criticized by Bill and Ben over how poorly he handled the Tom James situation. "Tom James took a crap all over America," he shouts. "Why do I gotta grab a shovel? I'm not a shit cleaner!" Selina reminds Mike that he is a shit cleaner and badgers him about her Families First bill getting dubbed the Mommy Meyer bill. "It's like they took the words ‘brain tumor' and changed it to ‘Selina cyst,'" she complains.</p><p>Later, Tom decides to abandon a prepared statement and freestyles a heartfelt apology in which he says he's sorry for calling the gunman a victim. It's very well-received. Afterwards, Jonah and Richard introduce themselves to Tom, and accidentally let slip about the second data breach, which they quickly attempt to deny.</p><p><b>"Ma'am, don't sue me, but your lawyer friends are here!" -- Gary </b></p><p>Selina welcomes her three friends to the White House, and they awkwardly catch up over drinks. They're disappointed when Selina brings them into the executive dining room, and they discover that they're eating pizza -- just like the old days, when they "couldn't afford anything else," one of them notes. Another jokingly asks, "What's for dessert? A tub of ice cream and four spoons?" only to have Gary confirm that it is.</p><p>Back at the White House, Ben and the others congratulate Tom on his excellent apology. Jokingly, Ben asks Tom if he has any other crazy views they should know about. Tom rattles off a few silly things, suggesting he's in favor of sterilizing everyone from New Jersey, and assisted dying for anyone who talks in a movie theater. He concludes by saying that drugs should be legalized, and the others are horrified to learn that he's no longer joking. After getting them all to calm down, Tom promises not to say anything about his thoughts on drug policy, but in the spirit of honesty, wants to know about the second data breach. Despite Bill and Ben's protests, Mike spills the beans about the "I Care" mailer. Instead of getting mad, Tom accepts his fate, pours himself another drink and proposes a toast to "even more shit."</p><p>During dinner, Selina brings up her Families First bill. Her friend Deborah doesn't think it's a good idea, especially after all the amendments that were added. However, Deborah says she'd happily support it if Tom James were selling it, because she "believes in him." Selina lashes out at her, then attempts to excuse herself, claiming she's very tired. But before she can leave, the Secret Service enter and surround her -- there's another intruder on the grounds.</p></div>
B/ill
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by</b> Kevin Cecil, Andy Riley & Tony Roche<br><b>Story by </b>Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by</b> Becky Martin</p><p><b>"I don't even paint my own nails, Gary. A Vietnamese lady does that." -- Amy </b></p><p>A nervous Gary meets with Dan and Amy at a local arts and crafts center. He's been tasked by Ben with convincing the duo to lobby against the Families First bill on behalf of the administration. Dan and Amy agree to do it -- not out of loyalty to Selina, but for money.</p><p>With 10 hours until the vote, Kent and Bill Ericsson brief a very ill Selina on how the "lose the vote" efforts are going. It's essential that the bill fails if Selina wants a chance at winning the election. As Ericsson explains to Mike, they're still publicly campaigning for yes votes -- they're just sending the worst possible people to do it. Meanwhile, some of those very people -- specifically Jonah and Richard -- work to convince Congressman Moyes to help pass the bill. As Bill and Kent planned, their ineptitude effectively dissuades Moyes from voting yes.</p><p>Mike introduces Selina to a voice memo app, which she begins to use incessantly, ordering Sue to set up office outside her bedroom and Gary to get her some hot water and lemon.</p><p>Later, unbeknownst to Bill and Kent, Dan and Amy (who are working for Ben) also meet with Congressman Moyes this time to convince him to vote against Families First. When he notices that they're using the same kind of folder of facts and numbers as Jonah and Richard, he becomes suspicious. "I think I've just reboarded the vote yes express," he tells them.</p><p><b>"I didn't hear any of this because I have a really bad case of tinnitus, especially when discussing morally dubious things." -- Mike </b></p><p>In preparation for the Vice Presidential debate, Tom James mock debates with Governor Ramos. Selina watches the debate from an iPad on a stand, sending voice memos that consistently interrupt Tom, drawing his ire. She flips out when she gets word that Moyes is now voting yes on Families First, after initially hearing that he was a no. Away from the President, Tom confronts Ben about the massive screw-up; apparently Ben and Kent prepared lists of contacts for Amy and Dan and Jonah and Richard without checking if there was overlap.</p><p>Ben, Kent, Ericsson, Mike and Gary go to discuss Moyes with Selina but discover she's fallen asleep during her meeting with the Joint Chiefs. Tom walks in as Ben chastises Gary for agreeing to pay Amy and Dan. "Now we're going to have to divert funds from the campaign and that's fraud, and then we're going to have to destroy the evidence and that's conspiracy to commit fraud," he says. Tom turns to leave, but Ben forces him to return, insisting that if he's going down, Tom should, too. "Join the circle-jerk," Ben tells him. "Grab a dick." Selina wakes up in the middle of this revelation, but before she can muster the will to yell at everyone for implicating her, Kent informs her that the future of the bill now rests on one vote – that of Congressman Owen Pierce. "My future depends on that dumb f**king elf?" Selina asks.</p><p><b>"Oh no, Joker and Penguin beat us to it." -- Dan </b></p><p>Meanwhile, Richard and Jonah are already working Congressman Pierce, who is in the hospital visiting his mother. Pleased that the President asked for his help specifically, Pierce agrees to vote yes. Dan and Amy arrive and attempt to persuade Pierce to vote no. While the others argue over Pierce's decision, Amy spots the congressman quietly escaping and follows him in her car. After realizing that Amy and Pierce are gone, Jonah, Richard and Dan run to Jonah's Cube. Dan jumps in the car, refusing to let them leave without him. "You colossal f**king fanny pack, you don't get it, do you?" Dan tells an indignant Jonah, who demands he get out. "They only sent you because they knew that you would f**k it up!"</p><p><b>"I feel like I'm about to kick it old school and die in office." -- Selina </b></p><p>Ben informs Selina that they've lost Pierce: "I'm sorry, we should have hired Navy Seals instead of those two actual seals." Mike reveals that Moyes has accused the administration of hiring lobbyists to kill the Families First bill. While everyone argues over the disaster that they've created, Tom loses it, calling them parasites and "an infestation of mediocrity." He tears into Ericsson, Mike and Kent for thinking only of themselves. "I don't care if you're a 1950's radio broadcaster, a Fozzy Bear that's been ripped up to smuggle heroin, a Nazi doctor," he rages. "This is not about serving yourselves, this is about serving the President, so let's do that, shall we?"<br>After locating Pierce at a nearby bookstore, Amy and the others deliver the congressman to Ericsson, who refuses to let them into the White House for fear of blowing their cover. In exchange for a no vote, Tom and Selina offer to make him an ambassador to any city he wants, though Selina refuses him Paris. Pierce agrees to vote no on the bill, but wants to know his posting before he leaves. Selina has fallen asleep, but Gary pretends she's just lost her voice and assigns him Paris.</p><p><b>"She sounds like an underwater Bob Dylan." -- Mike </b></p><p>That night, Selina and her staff watch the Families First vote on C-Span. Pierce votes no, and Selina admits to feeling ambivalent about the outcome. "I won by not winning," she says. "I don't know how I feel, apart from, like, having a raccoon take a shit in my head." After she leaves to make a televised statement, Mike reveals to the others that Moyes has threatened an investigation into the vote.</p><p>Selina addresses the nation with nasally, congested vocals before collapsing back into bed. Later, Ben reviews voice memos from Selina, one of which asks whether Moyes' questioning will lead to an investigation. "I f**king hope not", he says. Cut to : a montage of Selina's current and former employees being sworn in before giving testimony.</p></div>
Testimony
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by </b>Sean Gray & Will Smith<br><b>Story by </b>Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by </b>Armando Iannucci</p><p><b>"If I had kids, which I do, this bill would be my baby." -- Ben</b></p><p>Selina speaks at a press conference about the Families First allegations the White House is facing, insisting that there isn't "one ounce of truth" to them.</p><p>Meanwhile, both current and former members of her staff testify before a congressional committee formed to investigate the matter. Ben is the first person up, and he manages to keep his cool, insisting that the Administration put its blood, sweat and tears into getting the bill passed. The committee questions Dan's firing when Ben reveals he wasn't responsible, merely a scapegoat. "You make it sound like there's a correlation between what should happen and what actually happens," he says.</p><p><b>"My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that." -- Jonah</b></p><p>The committee questions Dan, Amy and Jonah, who feign mutual respect for one another until they're questioned about a file Dan placed on the share drive in the White House called the Jonad Files. To "jog" Dan's memory about the file -- and to prove that his relationship with Jonah is fractious -- one of the committee members reads out various insulting nicknames contained in the document, including "Jizzy Gillespie," "the 60-foot Virgin," "Jonah Ono," "the Cloud Botherer" and "Spewbacca."</p><p>Lee Patterson gives her deposition, where she explains that she was not responsible for the data breach that outed Jennifer Graham but was sacrificed to cover up something bigger: that same child mortality data was used to target bereaved parents for the "I Care" campaign mailer. She insists that while Selina was unaware of the data breaches, it was those closest to her -- Bill Ericsson and Gary Walsh -- who were the true masterminds. Meanwhile, Dan attempts to bargain with the lawyers on the case using the very information Lee has just revealed.</p><p><b>"For the record, Miss Patterson was a very competent staffer and what Jimmy Cagney would have called a good kid." -- Kent</b></p><p>Kent and Ericsson go before the congressional committee; Kent remains calm while Ericsson grows increasingly panicked once he realized that he's getting "snowballed" -- aka, blamed for both data breaches and the Families First sabotage. After learning of Lee's testimony, Dan agrees that Gary is the man to blame. "He's the bagman, yeah, but he's also the bad man," he explains.</p><p>Gary is called before the committee to explain his duties and responsibilities, but when his involvement and level of power is questioned, Gary is forced to admit that he's a nobody. "I'm just a guy that whispers names to the president, and I tell her facts about people," he says sadly. When they ask if he has regular contact with lobbyists, Gary admits he does only when he's around Catherine's fiancé Jason. This is news to the committee; until now, Jason's been referred to as a consultant. </p><p><b>"Gary has a very limited set of skills. Mainly I would say they are picking objects up, and then putting objects back down." -- Selina</b></p><p>The lawyers tell Selina that Gary let the cat out of the bag regarding Jason's job. Though she tries to deny that he's a lobbyist, the attorneys continue to press about the conflict of interests Jason and Catherine's relationship presents. After suggesting that the two may have broken up, Selina excuses herself to take a phone call from the "president of Africa." She returns a short while later with a statement confirming that Catherine and Jason have split.</p><p>The committee grills Sue about the absence of a record of Selina and congressman Pierce's meeting. Sue explains that while the two met, it was not a meeting. "There's a difference between meeting someone and having a meeting with them. I once met Bill Gates, but I didn't have a ‘meeting' with him," she says. Sue insists that an exhaustive record is kept of the dealings within the president's office, letting slip about the voice memos used while Selina was ill, and were not disclosed to the committee. When asked who could illuminate them on the voice memos, Sue immediately suggests Mike.</p><p>"There are probably fairer trials happening right now in the back of parking lots where the defendant is wearing a mailbag on his head." -- Ericsson <br>Mike goes before the committee and is questioned about his having been spotted in the White House parking lot with Dan, Amy and Pierce. He admits he was there, but only because he was going to his car to retrieve "knee medicine." Mike's then asked about the president's voice memos, and thinking he's in the clear, Mike reveals they've all been deleted. The committee reminds him that they still exist in the cloud, and that they plan to listen to them for any evidence pertaining to the investigation. </p><p>Richard joins Dan, Amy and Jonah before the committee the following day, where he is questioned about Teddy Sykes' sexually abusing Jonah. Richard explains that he witnessed the abuse for the first time when Dan came to fire Jonah over the data breach. Following this admission, the committee demands to know who was truly responsible -- or the Administration will face serious consequences. One by one, everyone points their finger at the man they've been told to blame: Bill Ericsson.</p></div>
Election Night
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Teleplay by</b> Simon Blackwell & Tony Roche<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by </b>Chris Addison</p><p><b>"America doesn't just love you ma'am, she is in love with you." -- Gary</b></p><p>On election night, Selina sits on the bed in her hotel suite, staring out into the night while her staff comes in and out to check on her and offer encouragement. "I've asked America if she wants me to be her president," she tells Gary, as she leaves to watch the results with the others. "Now, she's going to give us her answer."</p><p>At the CNN studios, Dan and Amy sit side-by-side in makeup chairs before going on-air. They'll be discussing the election results with respected statistician Matty Curtis, who tells them that the Meyer/O'Brien election is the closest race in living memory.</p><p>At Selina's election-night rally, Jonah and Richard wait in the wings. Jonah basks in his newfound fame as the "Testicle Man." he's turned his sexual abuse story into a dual cause -- fighting workplace bullying and promoting testicular health.</p><p><b>"Election nights are my cocaine. Used to be election nights and cocaine were my cocaine, but…" -- Ben</b></p><p>Selina and her staff watch the election results, and the race remains tight. Gary applauds the news of Selina securing Vermont and Connecticut, but Selina isn't nearly as positive because "a bowl of hair could win those states.</p><p>Bill Ericsson comes in with new projections, glumly noting that he'll have plenty of time to review them when he's in prison. Catherine insists that no one came out of the hearings unscathed -- she had to break up with her fiancé. "I'll be thinking about that while I'm with whichever guy makes me his prison fiancé," Ericsson retorts.</p><p><b>"Everyone's like ‘Oh, Tom James, he's so dreamy! Sign my tits, Tom James.'" -- Selina</b></p><p>As more and more big states are called for O'Brien, Selina's chances at remaining president grow increasingly slim. She and Tom chat about the election away from the others, and Selina asks Tom if he thinks they would have won if he'd been running for president, but he won't speculate. Kent then delivers some game-changing news -- the call that gave Wisconsin to O'Brien has been rescinded. Ericsson adds to everyone's delight, announcing that Colorado has also been called for Selina.</p><p>Suddenly emotional, Amy decides to leave the studio and be with Selina, explaining to Dan that she spent a third of her life leading up this very night.</p><p>With the election going their way, Tom asks to speak privately with Selina. He explains that he doesn't want to be impotent in her administration, especially in light of all the positive things he's done for her campaign. Selina agrees, thinking that he wants the power and privileges historically denied to VPs, but Tom explains that's not what he's after. He wants to be treasury secretary -- as well as her Veep. "This administration was coming apart at the seams during those hearings," Tom reminds Selina in the face of her indignation. "And I used six rolls of magic tape to put it back together."</p><p><b>"I've known sailors less likely to go either way than this." -- Kent</b></p><p>With the race still neck in neck, Amy and Sue arrive at Selina's hotel suite right as Pennsylvania is called for O'Brien. Amy mutters that she knew Selina should have gone back there. Selina, acknowledging Amy was right, asks, "Why'd you ever resign?"</p><p>As more projections are made, it appears that O'Brien will be the winner and calls for Selina to concede are made. Tom urges her not to give up just yet, reminding her that projections aren't real results. Despite Tom's urgings, Selina decides to call O'Brien and concede. Meanwhile, Dan calls Mike to tell him that Pennsylvania was the wrong call -- they expect the votes to go to Selina after all. Mike drops the sodas he was sent to fetch and bursts back into the hotel room right before Selina tells O'Brien she's out.</p><p>Jonah calls Kent, begging to give the restless rally crowd "a hit of political meth" by sending out Tom James. Kent relays the query to Selina, who, after making discreet eye contact with Amy, refuses. States continue to be called, with the final result hinging on whether Virginia is called for O'Brien or Selina. If the votes go to O'Brien, he wins, but if they go to Selina, they tie.</p><p><b>"What happens if it's a tie in the House? Is it a dance-off?" -- Kent</b></p><p>Everyone scrambles to figure out what happens in the event of a tie, learning that the House is given until January 20 to elect the President by giving each state one vote. The first candidate to 26 votes becomes the president, and the Senate chooses the VP. Further complicating matters are the tight races within the House. In the event of a tie in the House, the vice president-elect becomes president, meaning there's a very real possibility that Tom James could "win" the election. </p><p>Selina begins to sob and goes straight to Amy for an awkward hug. Jonah calls Tom, whom the crowd is begging for. He leaves "to rally the rally" while Amy consoles Selina. "With all due respect, you need to get your shit together now, lady," she tells her. "Ma'am up. You're still the leader of the free world."</p><p>"The rule book's been torn up now and America is wiping its nasty ass with it!" -- Selina</p><p>Despite it being highly unconventional, Selina decides to take the stage once she learns Tom has gone to rally the crowd. She calls her entire team on stage while waiting for the results on Virginia. Finally, Dan announces that the votes have gone to Selina, and the election ends in a tie.</p><p>Afterwards, Tom apologizes to Selina for taking the stage without her consent. She tells him to watch out for future "f**k-ups" should be become president. "If that does happen," he asks her, "want to be my Veep?" Selina scoffs in disgust before telling Tom to help the others with the balloons before stalking off.</p></div>
Morning After
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written by</b> Dale Mandel & Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by </b>Chris Addison</p><p>The morning after the tied election, Selina gives a speech assuring the public the country is still in good shape -- with a massive stress pimple on her cheek. Catherine films from the sidelines of the Oval Office, attempting to capture footage for her college thesis documentary.</p><p>Mike tells Selina that he and Wendy are adopting a daughter from China, but Selina tells him now's not the time for fatherhood, and advises him to see if he can get his money back.</p><p>Bill Ericsson joins a meeting, much to the surprise of Selina and her staff. Ben pulls Ericsson aside and reminds him that as he's about to be indicted for the data breach, he's "as welcome as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue." He tells Ericsson Selina will reconsider a full pardon if he surrenders quietly</p><p>Selina heads to her Symposium on Race, which has been moved up to improve her public image. Meanwhile, Mike, who's in a Fitbit competition with Sue, runs up and down a nearby stairwell.</p><p>Selina meets with her Symposium panel members and discovers that all of them are white. Ben tasks an assistant with rounding up as many black staffers as possible to diversify the event. Mike heads into the Symposium, but sets off an alarm on the stairwell door, prompting the Secret Service to rush in and surround Selina. Sue enters the room, only to have an agent point his gun at her. She raises her hands and shouts, "I work here!"</p><p>Mike leads a press conference after the symposium, but instead of addressing the media's questions about the incident with Sue, he announces Bill Ericsson's arrest and reveals a pardon is not on the table. Before Mike leaves the stage, he blames Bill for the trouble at the symposium as well.</p><p>The head of the Secret Service introduces Selina to her new body-double, Marjorie, who is a "perfect match from behind." Selina and Gary claim not to see a resemblance.</p><p>Selina and her team are delighted to learn Senator O'Brien's lead in Nevada is less than half a percent, allowing for a possible recount. If Selina wins the recount, the state's six electoral votes will win her the presidency. Richard rattles off a succinct explanation of the complicated recount process (revealing one of his two doctorates is in constitutional law), and Selina decides to make him her recount specialist -- and Jonah, his former boss, his new underling.</p><p>During a press conference about the recount, a strand of Selina's hair gets caught in the massive glob of coverup Gary applied to her zit. With the stress pimple discounting Selina's reassurances about the state of the nation, the stock market crashes.</p><p>Tom James gives a statement to the press about the importance of counting all the votes from military members serving overseas -- knowing full well the military hates Selina. As punishment, Selina decides to make him her "economy czar." Tom is quick to refuse the job, knowing he'd be blamed for the economic crisis if he took the position. Selina interviews Candi Caruso, a young up-and-comer she's using as bait to get Amy to head up her team in Nevada. Despite Amy's earlier claims that she doesn't want the job, she interrupts the meeting to tell Selina she'll take it.</p><p>Selina ignores Tom's refusal and announces to the press he's accepted the position of Economy Czar. Tom confronts Selina about the appointment, but she tells him to "suck it."</p><p>Amy calls Dan, freshly fired by lobbyist Sydney Purcell, and demands he join her in Nevada. "Right now, you're about as toxic as a urinal cake in Chernobyl and I'm offering you a job," she tells him. "You have no seconds to decide."</p></div>
Nev-AD-a
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written by</b> Lewis Morton & Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by</b> Chris Addison</p><p>In Carson City, Amy takes an early morning call from Selina, who's questioning whether or not they should include the Native American precincts in the recount. Later in the day, Dan, Amy and Richard review Selina's multitude of precinct changes for her recount challenge, then send their lawyers to file it at the courthouse before they miss their deadline.</p><p>When Selina and her staff learn that Senator O'Brien hired Secretary of State James Whitman to head his recount team, they decide to hire respected Washington figure, Bob Bradley, aka "The Eagle," to lead theirs.</p><p>Selina decides to send Tom James to a campaign volunteer brunch in her stead, but learns as Economy Czar, Tom has his first meeting with his banking task force at the same time. Liking that more than her brunch, she tasks Ben with informing Tom his task force is now hers.</p><p>"What is wrong with you, you Paddington Bear-looking f*ck?" -- Amy</p><p>Amy, Dan, Richard, Jonah and Cliff -- along with O'Brien's recount team -- meet with Nevada Secretary of State Buddy Calhoun to discuss the recount. Richard accidentally offers a helpful tip to O'Brien's team, leaving Dan and Amy furious.</p><p>Selina introduces Bob Bradley to her staff via video conference, and Richard makes an unwitting comment about a mail-in ballot discrepancy, which he believes may have disqualified a bunch of Meyer votes, as the county clerk is an O'Brien fundraiser. After a review of the votes in contention, Selina has enough votes for a full state recount.</p><p>During a meet and greet with the bankers on "her" task force, Selina takes a shine to EM Wheelwright CEO Charlie Baird. Later, through veiled language, she convinces Ben to arrange a second "discreet banking task force meeting," aka, a hookup with Charlie.</p><p>"Why did Tom James just wrap up his balls in butcher paper and put them in my purse?" -- Selina</p><p>Tom drops in on Selina and tells her he now understands her decision to take over his banking task force, and promises to do whatever he can for her going forward, without complaint. Selina is bewildered by the 180, but Ben explains that Tom believes she'll win Nevada, and thus the presidency.</p><p>Charlie arrives and Selina gives him a tour of the West Wing. They stop at a closet where, Selina points out, Warren Harding fathered a child with his teenage mistress. The sexual tension high, Selina invites Charlie back to the Residence for a "tour."</p><p>Dan and Amy, high off their victory in Nevada, return to their hotel rooms, which happen to be located across the hall from each other. A sexually-charged moment passes between them, but is interrupted when Amy's sister Sophie unexpectedly emerges from Amy's hotel room.</p><p>"I hardly ever did that with President Hughes. Even when we did, I was just going through the motions." -- Charlie Baird</p><p>Selina is quick to toss Charlie out post-hookup, despite his wanting to see her again. She tasks Gary with getting him out of the Residence unseen, and Charlie, just by being polite to Gary, quickly wins him over.</p><p>Later, Selina is stunned when a news report announces Charlie accepted a cabinet position with Senator O'Brien. He comes by to apologize and explain the meeting had been on the books long before he met Selina, but she doesn't care.</p><p>Dan and Amy have drinks at a Carson City bar, and Amy coyly invites him back to her room. Before he can leave, Sophie takes Amy's seat at the bar and piques Dan's interest when she reveals she works for CVS -- which Dan mishears as CBS. When Sophie invites Dan back to her room, he accepts. In D.C., Ben wakes to a litany of drunk-texts from Amy, who thinks she's been texting Dan about joining her for a nightcap, and getting no response.</p></div>
The Eagle
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written by </b>Steve Koren<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by</b> Chris Addison</p><p>Having made up, Selina and Charlie Baird enjoy dinner at a hot D.C. restaurant. Their relationship is seeing positive reaction in the press, which pleases Selina.</p><p>The following day, Selina meets with Bob Bradley via video conference. He informs her that the recount is not going in their favor, but according to Kent, there is statistical evidence of missing ballots in Nevada. Bob decides they need to delay the vote certification to track down the missing votes.</p><p>Mike is horrified when he discovers Selina is tweeting publicly from her account -- only he handles her Twitter. He runs to stop her, but Marjorie, her body double, won't allow Mike in the Situation Room. After finally getting her attention via a security camera, Mike reveals Selina's jokes about Senator O'Brien to Charlie Baird are public, not private messages as she'd thought.</p><p>Having made up, Selina and Charlie Baird enjoy dinner at a hot D.C. restaurant. Their relationship is seeing positive reaction in the press, which pleases Selina.</p><p>The following day, Selina meets with Bob Bradley via video conference. He informs her that the recount is not going in their favor, but according to Kent, there is statistical evidence of missing ballots in Nevada. Bob decides they need to delay the vote certification to track down the missing votes.</p><p>Mike is horrified when he discovers Selina is tweeting publicly from her account -- only he handles her Twitter. He runs to stop her, but Marjorie, her body double, won't allow Mike in the Situation Room. After finally getting her attention via a security camera, Mike reveals Selina's jokes about Senator O'Brien to Charlie Baird are public, not private messages as she'd thought.</p><p>Since China was behind an earlier security breach, Ben suggests blaming its government for the tweets. After Mike gives this story to the press, O'Brien holds a press conference about protecting the country's digital borders. Selina decides to respond to his accusations with targeted sanctions against China, despite Ben and Kent's objections.</p><p>Amy finds Bob in a supply closet, stuffing handfuls of pens into his jacket. He's confused about who Amy is and leaves the office without his shoes. A short while later, Selina calls to ask him for advice about China, unaware of his deteriorating mental condition. While swallowing random pills -- including those from a birth control pack -- Bob advises her to take charge with the Chinese -- despite their lack of wrong-doing.</p><p>The next morning, Selina gives a press conference and announces sanctions against China. Afterwards, Amy tries to tell Selina about Bob's odd behavior, but Selina refuses to listen. Later, before an event at the Museum of Natural History, Selina videoconferences with Bob and finally notices his strange behavior.</p><p>Selina panics about Bob to Ben and Amy. Jonah interrupts their call with more strange things that Bob has said and done, like blaming hurricanes on Jews. Selina orders Amy to cancel the meeting between Bob and O'Brien's recount head, James Whitman, unaware that it's already taken place and Bob slipped out unexpectedly. After Amy leaves the call, Selina admits to Ben she told Bob, against Ben's advice, the Chinese were not responsible for her tweets.</p><p>Richard, abandoned at the meeting with Whitman by Bob and Dan, accidentally gets Whitman to reveal the missing ballots are located in Washoe County. When this news reaches Amy, she tells Selina they need to a lawyer to file a Hail Mary injunction to extend the vote certification deadline. Having already anticipated the situation, Selina reveals she sent her noncommittal lawyer friend, Karen, to take care of it.</p><p>While everyone in Nevada scrambles to find Bob, he arrives at the Oval Office and asks Selina what the soup of the day is. Ben interrupts the bizarre encounter to tell Selina they found the missing ballots: An anti-Meyer postal worker hoarded 10,000 ballots from one of her strongest districts. He also reveals the Chinese government responded to Selina's sanctions with those of their own. Among them, a ban on adoptions from the U.S. -- bad news for Mike and Wendy.</p><p>Unable to trust Bob with the information he has on China, Selina and Ben decide to make him their Czar of Cyber Security, relegating him to a sub-basement office with no cell reception.</p></div>
Mother
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written by</b> Alex Gregory & Peter Huyck<br><b>Story by </b>Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by</b> Dale Stern</p><p>While Selina addresses a crowd at a small New Jersey wind farm, Gary gets a text that Selina's mother is in the hospital following a stroke. Selina hardly reacts to the news as their relationship was fraught with tension and animosity.</p><p>In Nevada, Karen's noncommittal babble successfully holds up vote certification proceedings. Dan and Amy observe an "electoral protest" outside, led by O'Brien staffers. They call in Richard, Jonah and Cliff to organize their own protest in support of the recount.</p><p>Selina is dismayed to learn her ex-husband, Andrew, and his girlfriend Monica are at the hospital at Catherine's request. Catherine rushes to her father and Monica, greeting them with more warmth than Selina. She refers to Monica as "Monnie," much to Selina's chagrin. A doctor pulls Selina aside to tell her her mother is brain-dead and will remain on life support until Selina gives her consent to "pull the plug."</p><p>Mike and Wendy, now unable to adopt a daughter from China, interview potential surrogates in the hospital cafeteria. They find their perfect candidate in Debralee, but discover she's deeply religious and play up their religious devotion to please her.</p><p>After speaking to the doctor about her mother, Selina meets with Kent who informs her they've seen a double-digit increase in her favorability rating in light of her dying mother. Discussing their best strategy, Kent suggests pulling the plug would net Selina an even bigger bump in ratings.</p><p>Selina and Gary sit in the hospital chapel, where Gary attempts to "teach" Selina how to pray. Though she's supposed to be seeking an answer about whether or not to prolong her mother's life, Selina's prayers quickly turn toward herself and for help winning the election.</p><p>Unable to sit with her mother alone, Selina drags her staff into the room while the doctor removes Mee-Maw from life support. As the woman lays dying, everyone's phones vibrate in a frenzy -- the Nevada recount will continue and the deadline push was successful. Despite having just witnessed a death, the room erupts in cheers. Catherine walks in on the merriment and believes that her grandmother's health has improved. She's devastated to learn she wasn't in the room when her grandmother died.</p><p>At Mee-Maw's house, Selina reveals some of her mother's cruelty to Catherine -- like how she blamed Selina for her father's death. Mee-Maw's lawyer, George arrives, and tells Selina the front lawn is filled with well-wishers. Selina heads outside to shake hands and play to the media. Selina's merriment does not last long; Ben informs her the lost votes are being counted and they're all for O'Brien as they're mostly military absentee ballots. Selina demands they stop the recount.</p><p>At the funeral, the Qatari Ambassador comes bearing a message from China for Selina: The country is open to indirect talks if Selina pulls back on her threat of economic sanctions -- everything is on the table, from climate change to human rights. Selina agrees to the deal and heads back to the service, excited.</p><p>Right before Selina is to give her eulogy, Ben tells Selina Karen was unable to stop the recount and they lost Nevada. Adding insult to injury, the additional votes lost her the popular vote. Devastated, Selina heads to the podium and delivers an off-the-cuff eulogy, really a veiled reference to her losses in Nevada. After the service, George informs Selina her mother willed most of her estate to Catherine, leaving Selina out entirely.</p></div>
Thanksgiving
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written by </b>Sean Gray & Georgia Pritchett & Will Smith<br><b>Directed by</b> Chris Addison</p><p>In honor of the Thanksgiving holiday, Selina pardons two turkeys at a ceremony in the Rose Garden. Meanwhile, Dan learns that he's been "greened"; his blue pass was revoked because of a security glitch, thus limiting his access to the White House.</p><p>Catherine asks when her mother will be joining the family for Thanksgiving, but Selina tells her she has to shore up her vote with Congress instead. In actuality, she's using the holiday to have plastic surgery on her eyes. Before Selina goes under the knife, Ben informs her the South Korean Prime Minister wants to discuss trouble with North Korea, and the CDC is reporting a few cases of salmonella linked to contaminated turkeys.</p><p>As the salmonella scare increases, Ben and Kent decide to send Tom James out to comfort the public while Selina is having her procedure. Dan is sent to work for Tom, who presents him with his coveted blue badge. Slowly, Tom begins using Dan as his own Gary. When the number of cases continues to rise, Ben asks Doyle to make a statement on behalf of the White House. Doyle is suspicious about Selina's supposed "dental surgery," as the 25th amendment should be invoked if the president is incapacitated.</p><p>After her procedure, a raccoon-eyed Selina calls various congressmen to wish them a happy Thanksgiving and to talk to them about the upcoming vote. Unfortunately, many are distracted by the salmonella outbreak, and are wondering why Selina hasn't made a statement herself.</p><p>Mike calls Wendy to tell her their baby surrogate, DebraLee, is a go. They ditch their families to celebrate at a hotel room, which Mike got for free as it was used to house the pardoned turkeys.</p><p>Ben informs Selina that Rep. Sherman, the oldest member of the House, has died. Yet again Selina can't give a statement because of her appearance, but Kent sees a bright side. Sherman was a staunch supporter of O'Brien and losing him could mean a new vote for Selina -- if they can get New Hampshire to hold a special election in time. They decide to call Jonah's uncle Jeff Kane, the state's political "kingmaker," for help.</p><p>Despite Selina's objections, Ben and Kent approach an increasingly-suspicious Doyle, but he refuses to make a statement about Sherman unless he meets with Selina in person. After their meeting, Doyle agrees to give a statement -- on the condition she considers him for Secretary of State.</p><p>Kent and Ben meet with Jeff, who tells them they need to move fast, as Sherman's widow is gunning for the seat to continue her late husband's legacy. Jeff suggests his nephew, Ezra, for the seat but he's currently serving in Afghanistan. They'll need a disposable candidate for the interim -- a "spectacular dumbass" willing to fight dirty against the widow.</p><p>Jeff approaches Jonah at Thanksgiving dinner and asks him to run. Jonah is beyond thrilled at the request, but deflates when his uncle clarifies he'll only sit for one term before Ezra takes over.</p><p>After watching Mike flail at a press conference about the salmonella outbreak, Selina decides to take action. Aboard an aircraft carrier, Selina (donning aviators) serves Tofurkey and claims the "top secret" mission necessitated her radio silence for the past 24 hours. Gary brings word that Jonah is running for Sherman's vacant seat, leaving her speechless.</p></div>
C**tgate
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written by</b> Sean Gray & Georgia Pritchett & Will Smith<br><b>Directed by</b> Brad Hall</p><p>Selina meets with Tom James and her staff to discuss an impending bank bailout. Tom explains they can only afford to bail out two of the three troubled banks. One bank is saved because it's based in an Illinois, whose vote they need to win the election. Tom recommends bailing out EM Wheelright, Charlie Baird's bank, because it's the stronger of the remaining two. Ben warns against this, concerned with optics.</p><p>A New Hampshire focus group reviews a campaign ad for Jonah. They're frank with their feedback: Nobody likes him. Jonah, watching through a two-way mirror, bursts into the room to yell at his detractors. Selina watches a feed of the disastrous focus group and worries about Jonah's electability, and securing her place in the White House. Adding to her frustrations is a story on Politico reporting a senior staffer was overheard calling her "the c-word." Selina tasks Amy with finding out who insulted her.</p><p>Dan, on Amy's advice, volunteers to run Jonah's campaign. He'll be a hero if he can get Jonah to win, and no one will blame him if he can't.</p><p>Amy meets with Mike to ask if he knows who called the president a c**t, but quickly scraps the charade and admits it was her. Mike breathes a sigh of relief -- he was certain he was at fault because he shouted the insult into his phone on the Acela quiet car.</p><p>Ben and Kent confront Selina on her decision to bail out Charlie's bank. According to Ben, "literally nobody" understands the economy, so she'll tank her approval ratings and lose the votes of at least three states instantly -- despite the logic of her choice.</p><p>Jonah, in a suit and glasses, heads to a local diner to try and rehab his image. There, Bill Ericsson greets Dan -- his lawyer got his charge thrown out on appeal, and he's now the widow's campaign manager. Later, Jonah attends a town hall meeting to give a stump speech along with the Widow Sherman, whom he reveals was his second grade teacher. Dan takes a call from an angry Selina, who reprimands him for doing a poor job on Jonah's campaign and demands to speak to "the world's tallest pile of garbage" herself. After Selina yells at Jonah, he and Dan commiserate over their shared resentment of POTUS. Jonah takes the stage and gets a tepid response -- until he starts insulting Selina.</p><p>Throughout the weekend, Selina waffles on whether or not she'll bail out Charlie's bank, and announces her new "final decision" every few hours.</p><p>Mike gives a press conference about the "assistance package" Selina will be giving the banks, but the reporters only want to talk about "c**tgate." Amy decides to meet with the rest of the staff -- all of whom admit to using the word in reference to Selina at some point.</p><p>The following day, while Selina and Charlie do a photo-op at a local bookstore, Charlie gets a call from Tom telling him Selina is not bailing out his bank. Despite earlier assurances that she could make a decision regardless of their relationship, Charlie storms out in a rage. Later, Ben praises her decision and Selina admits it was Gary who made her change her mind at the last minute. "He gave me some sappy speech and made me realize what an idiot I was being," she explains.</p><p>After trying to talk to Selina all weekend, Catherine finally corners her mother and announces she's fallen in love -- with Marjorie, Selina's Secret Service body double.</p></div>
Congressional Ball
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written by </b>Billy Kimball<br><b>Story by</b> Armando Iannucci<br><b>Directed by</b> Maurice Marable</p><p>On Air Force One, Selina exchanges souvenirs from the plane for Rep. Penny Nickerson's support of her presidency.</p><p>To everyone's shock, Gary makes The Hill's "50 Hottest Staffers" list, coming in at No. 21. Amy covers her disappointment when she learns she didn't make the cut.</p><p>Meeting with Tom and her staff, Selina is briefed on the annual Congressional Ball. Roger instructs Selina to schmooze and win over representatives who will impact her votes. Faking an exit from the meeting, Selina returns to discuss Mike's recent discovery: Tom met with O'Brien supporter Sidney Purcell at a Korean barbecue restaurant. Selina instructs her staff to keep a close eye on Tom at the ball.</p><p>On Air Force One, Selina exchanges souvenirs from the plane for Rep. Penny Nickerson's support of her presidency.</p><p>To everyone's shock, Gary makes The Hill's "50 Hottest Staffers" list, coming in at No. 21. Amy covers her disappointment when she learns she didn't make the cut.</p><p>Meeting with Tom and her staff, Selina is briefed on the annual Congressional Ball. Roger instructs Selina to schmooze and win over representatives who will impact her votes. Faking an exit from the meeting, Selina returns to discuss Mike's recent discovery: Tom met with O'Brien supporter Sidney Purcell at a Korean barbecue restaurant. Selina instructs her staff to keep a close eye on Tom at the ball.</p><p>When Jonah and Richard mock debate, Jonah proves himself incompetent, but Richard impresses Jeff with his smooth performance as Judy Sherman. Their prep work is interrupted when Dan gets word that Jonah accidentally referred to a Vermont town during a speech in New Hampshire.</p><p>On Dan's orders, Richard follows Judy Sherman with a camera and tries to capture any dirt he can on tape. The widow catches him spying on her at a dinner at the Ladies Club of Manchester and shares some choice words. Richard rushes to show his footage of the encounter to Dan, Jeff and Jonah, but it turns out he accidentally turned the camera off during the exchange.</p><p>Selina works the room at the Congressional Ball, brokering deals in exchange for votes. Over the course of the evening, Selina, Kent and Ben discover that Tom is convincing representatives to abstain from voting in the House. He's realized that if no one gets the majority vote in the House, the decision will go to the Senate, and if it's up to the Senate, he has a shot at becoming president.</p><p>Going into crisis mode, Selina pulls Tom aside to speak privately. Selina accuses him not only of joining her ticket to get a step closer to the presidency, but also to get a step closer to her. She gets Tom to admit he's wanted to sleep with her, and they begin to passionately make out. Gary walks in on them having sex, but retreats out of the room before he's observed.</p><p>Jonah works the shoe rental counter at a New Hampshire bowling alley as part of his campaign. When Jonah's groper, Teddy Sykes, shows up at the bowling alley, Jonah confronts him as Richard captures the moment on camera. Dan, Jeff, Richard and Jonah watch the footage play on the nightly news, only to realize the framing of the shot makes it look as if Jonah is insulting a mentally handicapped bowling alley employee.</p><p>Re-entering the ball, Selina pulls Rep. Nickerson aside and reams her for deciding to pull her support. Nickerson tries to make a play for greater political gain in return for her vote, but Selina threatens total political decimation if the congresswoman doesn't support her. With the help of her staff, Selina is able to re-secure the votes she lost.</p><p>Amy finds out from Candi Caruso, a female staffer who made The Hill's "50 Hottest Staffers" list, Gary was included because of a typo: Candi's fiancé, Gary Welsh, was supposed to be No. 21.</p></div>
Camp David
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written by</b> Rachel Axler<br><b>Directed by</b> Becky Martin</p><p>On her way to Camp David for a family weekend with Gary, Catherine and "fun Marjorie," Selina watches a news recap of Jonah thrusting an apple into the face of Widow Sherman at the New Hampshire debate.</p><p>At the Aspen Lodge, Monica decorates a Christmas tree with her newly trademarked "popcornaments," and Selina feigns delight. Catherine reveals that she and Marjorie are raw food vegans and were hoping to share a "sham-ham" for Christmas. Catherine talks to her father about financial matters because "there's so much of it that it's really tough to know what to do with it."</p><p>Selina meets her team to discuss China before their delegates arrive. Ben explains if Selina lifts the sanctions, the Chinese will open industrial plants in Ohio and North Carolina, essentially securing her the presidency. Sue updates Selina that Minna Hakkinen is on her way at China's request.</p><p>Amy, Dan and Richard analyze Jonah's latest poll numbers; Minna coaches Selina on how to negotiate with the Chinese.</p><p>The family exchanges gifts in the lodge. Catherine gives Selina an early Christmas gift: a pen used in 1907 at the Second Hague Convention. Andrew presents Marjorie with a first edition Gertrude Stein and she is stoically "overcome with emotion." Selina scrambles to find Marjorie a gift.</p><p>Minna liaises between the Chinese and Selina. The Chinese present Selina with a framed image of "Sad Piglet," a popular animated character in China, to which Selina responds, "It looks just like my daughter Catherine." The Chinese keep presenting gifts, and once again, Selina is forced to improvise. Feeling like she needs to surpass their three gifts, Selina gives the Chinese president the pen that Catherine gave her earlier that day.</p><p>Dan tells Selina Jonah literally shot himself in the foot. Kent is sure this latest blunder will lose him the election. Minna notifies Selina that President Lu wants to go on a nature walk.</p><p>Selina and President Lu run into Catherine on their walk, who informs President Lu of her dietary specifications.</p><p>Selina and Gary walk into the Aspen Lodge, and Catherine incorrectly assumes that Gary is carrying Marjorie's lost gift. Gary, startled, hands Marjorie the silk robe Selina received from the Chinese delegation.</p><p>Amy knocks on Dan's hotel door to show him the new Judy Sherman commercial. They notice an anti-Judy billboard outside, courtesy of the NRA. New Hampshire might not be lost, after all.</p><p>Selina takes Dan's call, pushing back her meeting with the Chinese. Minna delays by taking the group on a walk where they see Marjorie, dressed in the robe, kissing Catherine. The Chinese assume it's Selina in the robe. Disturbed, they change the terms of the deal.</p><p>Selina, inadvertently using Minna's negotiation tactics, storms out of her meeting with the Chinese when she sees Catherine discussing her finances with Andrew. The Chinese are moved by Selina's strength. Minna runs after Selina with the good news, accidentally spilling the beans to Catherine about Selina's re-gifting of the pen.</p><p>After the meeting, Minna informs the team that the Chinese economy is in terrible shape due to the sanctions, but if all industrial metals demands are met, they might consider opening talks to free Tibet.</p><p>Wendy calls Mike with news: They're having twins. Selina attempts to make up with Catherine, who will only speak to Andrew. At the New Hampshire election, Jonah casts his vote.</p><p>Selina signs the agreement with China, and faces off with the Chinese president over releasing a statement about Tibet. If she informs the press, they will release proof she lied about the Chinese Twitter hack. Mike is informed by a Chinese official that his adoption has been approved.</p><p>As they prepare to leave, Ben, Kent and Mike announce Jonah's election win. Gary steals the silk robe from Marjorie's suitcase.</p></div>
Kissing Your Sister
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written by</b> Erik Kenward<br><b>Directed by</b> David Mandel</p><p>Through Catherine's critical lens, the inner-workings of the Meyer administration are revealed in the weeks leading up to the historic House of Representatives vote to elect the next president. The documentary digs into the emotional toll running for president takes on the candidate, her staffers and her loved ones. The documentary also follows Catherine's personal journey of self-discovery, as she falls in love and finds her calling.</p><p>President Selina Meyer anxiously watches C-Span's broadcast of the vote from the Oval Office. Alabama is first in the roll call.</p><p>In a private interview, Selina reveals the moment she knew she wanted to be president was as a girl at Nixon's inaugural ball. "Daddy leaned into me and he said, ‘You know, a lot of people don't like Nixon, but by God they respect him. And that's you, peanut,' " she reminisces.</p><p>With his vote integral to Selina's chance at winning, Jonah wakes up in the bed of an underage "Congressional fangirl" in Maryland, after the vote has commenced. He frantically calls Richard to pick him up and deliver him to the Capitol.</p><p>Catherine interviews Bill Ericsson from jail who makes his disdain for Selina blatant: "If I were Tom James, I would just try to get three states to abstain and then it would go to the Senate, serving the President the most abject humiliation in the history of the United States."</p><p>Through surreptitious filming, Selina's plan to fire Mike after the inauguration is exposed. Catherine visits Mike at home and sees how he and Wendy have been preparing for a baby through the twists and turns of the surrogacy and adoption.</p><p>In another one-on-one interview, Catherine asks Selina about the possibility of losing, prompting memories of Selina's first run for Congress, and her first defeat. When Selina mentions retreating to a spa in Arizona, Catherine interjects, "Is that when you had your nervous breakdown?" and her mother stumbles to recover.</p><p>Selina instructs Rep. Paul Graves of Michigan to stall while Jonah is located; Catherine recounts the time leading up to Mee-Maw's death, chronicling the time she spent on the campaign trail with Jonah, and an interview with Richard Splett.</p><p>Rushing to the vote, Richard crashes into a stop sign and suggests calling an Uber. Jonah declares, "We can't call an Uber. I've been banned for life because I have a low rating." When Missouri abstains from the vote, Selina blames Tom.</p><p>Marjorie and Catherine's relationship develops, and Catherine joins her family on the Chippewa-Cree Reservation in Montana for Christmas. When Marjorie introduces Catherine as her "work friend," they have a fight and break up.</p><p>The vote uncovers three abstentions, and it is apparent that Selina cannot be president. Selina, furious with Tom for potentially securing the next 12 years, wants Jonah to vote for O'Brien, so she can at least challenge him in four.</p><p>Jonah finally gets to the vote. Unaware of any change in plan, Jonah delivers his vote for Selina, resulting in another tie.</p><p>Marjorie and Catherine make up and establish a rescued farm-animal sanctuary in Palm Beach.</p></div>
Inauguration
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written by</b> Jim Margolis<br><b>Directed by</b> Becky Martin</p><p>Mike hosts a press conference regarding the House vote results. He stakes his reputation on the fact that "Selina Meyer will never be Vice President ever, ever again."</p><p>Selina offers her "help" to Tom who will likely become an accidental president. Selina wants to be Secretary of State. Tom counters with"Vice President -- take it or leave it."</p><p>At a legacy meeting with the team, Kent tells Selina she is the 43rd most-liked president out of 44. Selina proclaims her legacy should be the freeing of Tibet.</p><p>Richard decorates Jonah's new office with photos of Jonah and the Washington elite; Jonah instructs Richard to find some hot interns.</p><p>Desperate to make Tibet happen, Selina meets with a Qatari delegate who relays that the Chinese are hesitant because Selina is out of power. To convince them otherwise, Selina reveals she will become the Vice President.</p><p>Selina accepts Tom's offer, and he laughs, telling her she is going to be a very important part of his administration.</p><p>Jonah walks into his office to find three very attractive male interns. After Colt brings him a fantastic latte, Jonah decides he can keep them.</p><p>CNN reports on the Senate vote for Vice President;because the presidency is vacant, the winner will assume the role.</p><p>On video chat, Selina tells President Lu she is excited to continue working with him. Lu responds he is excited to work with Senator James. Selina retires to the Oval to watch the Senate vote, which results in another tie. The final decision is in the hands of the current Vice President, Doyle, who votes for Senator Laura Montez. Amy's intel suggests Doyle orchestrated the whole thing because he is getting Secretary of State.</p><p>Gary melts down, accusing the entire team of letting "that magnificent woman" down.</p><p>One day before Montez's inauguration, Selina clears out her office. Ben and Kent run into each other at a publisher's office. Mike updates the press with Montez's itinerary, and Selina sees on MSNBC that Charlie Baird has been selected as Secretary of the Treasury.</p><p>Selina finds Richard cleaning out Jonah's old office and invites him for a drink. She ponders how she will get by in the real world before curling up, drunk, on the floor.</p><p>The next morning, Selina wakes up hungover. Jonah's roughhousing with his staffers disturbs Roger Furlong, who tells him the first rule of hiring male staff: "They must be substantially less attractive than the congressman."</p><p>Amy runs into Candi Caruso, Montez's new chief of staff. Mike and Wendy introduce Ellen, their adopted baby to the team, and Selina has tea with Montez and her family.</p><p>Dan covers the inauguration for CNN. Selina confronts Doyle and Montez is sworn in. CNN reports that "mere minutes into her presidency, President Montez has brokered a deal with the Chinese government to free Tibet."</p><p>Selina struggles to say goodbye to her team, and boards her exit helicopter only to land shortly after, due to engine troubles. Arms folded, waiting for her motorcade, Selina listens to Montez's parade.</p></div>
Omaha
Season Six Premiere. One year after losing the presidency, Selina attempts to secure her legacy. Dan tries to ingratiate himself at his new job. Amy's brash D.C.-style personality proves too much for her new co-workers.
Library
Selina attends the opening of President Hughes' library. Jonah gets advice on how to rise in the political ranks; Dan suffers through Jane's whims; Amy releases a negative attack ad.
Georgia
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written by</b> Billy Kimball<br><b>Directed by </b>Becky Martin</p><p>Selina, escorted by guide Oleg Petradze, monitors the first democratic election of the Republic of Georgia. Jonah, Ben and Kent show up with other congressmen, whom Selina greets. Jonah, asserting he no longer needs Richard, tries to make evening plans with the congressmen but they all decide to turn in early. Secretary of State Doyle calls and tells Selina the U.S. is backing Professor Nikolai Genidze for president.</p><p>Minna Hakkinen shows up and tells Selina she's also monitoring the election. She addresses Selina's stay in the "insane asylum," but Selina is insistent it was a spa.</p><p>In Nevada, Amy and Buddy do a satellite interview with Dan, who questions them about Buddy's DUI. Amy attempts to position Buddy as an average Joe.</p><p><b>"Mike, that is the kind of voting irregularity we're here to prevent." - Kent</b></p><p>Mike, who does not have a hotel reservation, knocks on Kent's door and admits he accidentally voted while looking for a place to stay. He produces his green thumb, the indicator being used to prevent voter fraud. He goes to Gary for help, and Gary admits he also voted. </p><p>Selina and Minna attend a reception at President Murman Shalikashvili's palace, and Minna reveals Shalikashvili attempted to poison his opponent. Shalikashvili pulls Selina aside and offers to make a $10 million donation to the library. </p><p>Catherine and Marjorie meet with Dan and ask him to be their sperm donor; he gladly agrees. </p><p>Jonah, rejected once again by the congressmen, goes to a concert with Richard who wears his "tourist" hat. At the concert, Jonah puts on the band's T-shirt, which is decorated with Nazi symbols. </p><p>Considering the bribe, Selina asks Minna how bad things would be if Shalikashvili didwin. They arrive at Professor Genidze's humble house and after dinner, Genidze pulls Selina aside and confides he knows about Shalikashvili's bribe. He offers her $15 million to ensure a "fair election." Genidze admits his house is just for show; he is actually very wealthy. </p><p>Buddy attends a campaign rally, but instead of reading his damage-control speech, he withdraws from the election. He calls Amy to the stage but she is nowhere to be found.</p><p><b style="font-size: 0.8125rem;">"I wonder if your judgement is being clouded by your feelings that are brought on by Nikolai's lumpy poison c*ck." - Selina</b></p><p>The next morning, Selina and Minna monitor the election results. When Shalikashvili calls to up his offer to $20 million, Selina talks Minna out of claiming the elections were tampered with. She convinces Minna to declare Shalikashvili the uncontested winner, suggesting Minna's feelings for Nikolai have clouded her judgement.</p><p>On the plane home, Selina and team watch Dan reporting on events in Georgia: Shalikashvili has been arrested by "military elements loyal to Oleg Petradzet -- Selina's guide.</p></div>
Justice
<div class='episode-body-left-aligned' style='text-align: left'><p><b>Written By </b>Rachel Axler<br>nn<b>Directed By</b> Dale Stern</p><p></p><p>Selina and her staff attend the funeral of Supreme Court Justice Tenny. Swarmed by reporters after the service, Mike denies rumors that Selina is being considered for the seat, thus starting the rumor that she is, in fact, being considered.</p><p></p><p><b>"I just habitually deny everything these days." - Mike</b></p><p></p><p>Later that day, Selina meets with Sherman Tanz in order to ask for $5 million for her library. In exchange, Tanz asks her to connect him with someone in Congress to support privatized prisons.</p><p></p><p>Selina feels sick, and Amy suggests her symptoms may be menopause. A doctor makes a house call and determines that Selina had a small heart attack -- triggering Gary's heart attack.</p><p></p><p>Dan joins Catherine and Marjorie at the fertility clinic, and the doctor reveals that Dan's sperm have low motility, making him a bad candidate for donation. The couple receive news about Selina's heart attack and head to Washington.</p><p></p><p>At the hospital, Selina reluctantly agrees to attend Gary's 40th birthday party in Alabama in an attempt to comfort him. Catherine insists Gary stay at their brownstone while he recovers.</p><p></p><p>Selina learns she needs a routine operation to have a stent placed in her heart. Right before the surgery, Selina asks Richard and Amy to recruit Jonah to back up Tanz's initiative. Amy calls Jonah, who agrees to meet with Tanz, despite not knowing who he is.</p><p></p><p>Hoping to prevent news of her surgery from leaking to the press, Selina instructs Richard and Amy to communicate she's in a "routine closed-door meeting." Richard delivers this message to Dan when he calls for a scoop on the Supreme Court seat; Dan interprets it as confirmation that Selina is being considered.</p><p></p><p>President Montez holds a press conference and says she is looking to reach across the aisle with her Supreme Court nominee. Sen. Hallows contacts Amy about setting up a pre-vet meeting for Selina. As her chances for the seat improve, Selina redefines her legacy as "me in a robe taking guns from this guy, giving the death penalty to that guy," so she doesn't need to focus on building her library or writing her book anymore.</p><p></p><p><b>"Monday that's the day after daylight saving time. It's my favorite holiday because it's like living in a tiny version of 'Back to the Future'." - Richard Splett</b></p><p></p><p>When Jonah is an hour late to his meeting with Tanz -- having forgotten it was daylight saving time -- Tanz spitefully writes him a check for one cent. The next day, Jonah is two hours late to a meeting, after he mistakenly "springs back."</p><p>When Tanz sees Jonah's fiery interview about daylight saving time, he hires a staffer to craft legislation backing both the end of daylight saving time and the privatization of prisons.</p><p>Selina receives a call that she did not get the Supreme Court seat nomination; Montez nominated President Stewart Hughes.</p><p></p></div>
Chicklet
Selina settles on a location for her presidential library. Dan lands in a gossip column. Mike and Selina work on her book. Jonah tries to cement a big donation. Gary manages a mini-crisis at Madame Tussauds.
Qatar
Selina visits Qatar. In D.C., Jonah gets a dinner invite. Dan gets an unexpected visit from an HR rep. Catherine and Marjorie have big news.
Blurb
Selina tries to finish her book. Selina and her staff prepare for her portrait-unveiling ceremony, while Jonah tries to weasel himself onto the guest list. Dan works on his onscreen-chemistry problem.
Judge
Selina takes a trip. Meanwhile, Dan woos Jonah in order to get a coveted interview, and Amy convinces Selina to put her in charge of a very disorganized Mike.
A Woman First
Selina's book finally arrives. Jonah has a big meeting. Dan, Ben and Kent grab a drink.
Groundbreaking
Season Six Finale. Selina and her team prepare for the long-awaited groundbreaking of her library. Amy seeks clarity on her role. Jonah asks a major donor for help.
Iowa
Season Seven Premiere. Selina evaluates her past and present campaigns. Jonah's personal life sparks interest among the press. Amy makes an important decision.
Discovery Weekend
At an Aspen retreat for rich donors, Selina deals with potential adversaries and allies. Amy’s behavior raises Gary’s suspicions.
Pledge
In the run-up to the first debate, Selina makes a novel campaign proposal. Comments by Jonah create blowback. Dan and Amy take a road trip.
South Carolina
Selina and team head to South Carolina, where Selina seeks an endorsement from a key leader. Gary gets a long-awaited promotion, while Marjorie excels in her new role.
Super Tuesday
Facing increased scrutiny heading into Super Tuesday, Selina visits Mike to deflect attention from Andrew’s legal troubles. Jonah and Amy ramp up their anti-Selina campaign rhetoric. Dan attempts to exploit Richard.
Oslo
Selina tries to arrange a meeting via her Finnish contact Minna. Gary helps Catherine plan a big event. Jonah and Amy push an anti-vax message in Pennsylvania. Mike finds a new home. Richard may have an enemy.
Veep
Series finale. The nominating fight between Selina and her rivals reaches its climax, as their race comes to a historic finish.
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