Valerie Makes a Pilot
Written by Michael Patrick King & Lisa Kudrow
Directed by Michael Patrick King
Accompanied by Mickey, Valerie shoots a “pilot presentation” with college kids she’s enlisted to do the camera-work. She’s directing the show, as usual, while watching old footage from the past nine years, including ‘The Comeback,’ as well as an independent horror film, a crime show, an infomercial for Cherish Your Hair (“hair care for redheads,” Valerie explains) and ‘Room and Bored.’ Mark arrives, and Tyler, one of the students on the production crew, refers to him as “Uncle Mark.”
Valerie wants her presentation to look professional, as she’s going to give it to Bravo executive Andy Cohen for consideration. “We’ve been communicating,” Valerie says, recounting her back and forth with Cohen on Twitter. Another clip of Valerie’s plays, showing her in a scene with ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ star Lisa Vanderpump. Valerie melts down in the scene and won’t play along with Lisa’s dramatic ways, lamenting that the producers are trying to make her the villain. “Andy doesn’t need to see that!” Valerie says of the clip, laughing.
In an interview for the presentation, Valerie takes credit for the explosion of reality television. “Well, reality TV has had quite the evolution,” Valerie says. “It’s a different reality. And I should know because I was there at the beginning with ‘The Comeback.’ Back then, it was just me and people eating bugs on ‘Survivor.’” Mickey takes a call from his doctor that interrupts production.
Valerie’s publicist Billy shows up to tell her about a new show Paulie G. is writing for HBO “about a self-destructive sitcom writer.” Valerie says that sounds right, but Billy clarifies that it’s also about the writer’s relationship with a “neurotic, older sitcom actress” with red hair named Mallory. Billy suggests she find the script, but Valerie says Paulie G. is “free to write whatever he wants to write” while she’s “free to not react.” Despite this, Valerie gets a hold of the script for the show -- titled ‘Seeing Red’ -- and discovers Paulie G. has written her as “a monster.” Mark says he’ll call the lawyers.
Andy Cohen tweets that he’s having lunch at the Chateau, prompting Valerie to head there with cameras. The host at the Chateau says Valerie can’t take her cameras in, stopping her with his fist, so Tyler secretly films with his phone. Valerie approaches Andy, who’s lunching with RuPaul, and ends up whispering in his ear, “I didn’t get it before. Took myself too seriously, didn’t know I was playing a character, thought it was me. I get it now.” Valerie wishes she would have made a scene before with the host, to help spice up her pilot presentation.
On her way out of the Chateau, Valerie sees her ‘Room and Bored’ co-star Juna. Juna and Valerie have a reunion in front of paparazzi and make plans to get together four months in advance, since Juna will be busy shooting a new movie and for Vogue.
After lawyers send a cease and desist letter to HBO about the Paulie G. series, Valerie takes matters into her own hands. “Well, I’m mad,” Valerie tells her cameras inside the HBO lobby, faux-dramatically, “and this is about to get messy.” She adds that she might “flip a conference table or two.” The lobby is filled with actresses auditioning for the Mallory Church role.
The ‘Room and Bored’ casting director Sharon appears and brings Valerie in to meet the HBO execs and Paulie G., who’s nervously smoking an e-cigarette. A tape of Chelsea Handler auditioning for Mallory plays. Valerie tries to appear angry, but they convince her to read Mallory’s dramatic monologue cold, which she does rather arrestingly. Afterward, Valerie’s microphone gets stuck in the room, where Paulie G. seems aghast that the execs want to cast her as Mallory. “I don’t know what that was, but I’ve gotta have more of it,” says one of the execs. “Is that weird?”
Valerie tells Mark she got the role in ‘Seeing Red.’ “Now it’s me playing me!” she says. Mark thinks it’s a bad idea: “No f--king way.”