New Rule: [slide of Sly Stallone in 'Bullet to the Head'] If you're still ripped like this at age 66, you have to write a letter of apology to your testicles. Sly, I'm not saying you're not in great shape. I'm saying even Lance Armstrong looked at this and goes, "Oh, come on."
New Rule: [slide of toilet paper with illustration of baby on packaging] Stop trying to sell toilet paper with pictures of the only humans who don't use it. And also, who needs toilet paper strong enough to wipe a bear's a**? [slide of TP with "bear" on packaging]
New Rule: Now that he's been linked to physical altercations with Rihanna, Drake and Frank Ocean, Chris Brown has to tell me if he has plans to beat the sh** out of everybody in my iPod. Tell me now, Chris, so I can warn Steely Dan.
New Rule: In honor of Jim Nabors coming out of the closet at age 82 and marrying his longtime partner, from now on the act of two men engaged in oral-genital stimulation will be known as the "Shazam!" Now, I can't say that I'm "surprised, surprised, surprised!" by the announcement, but it sure helps explain my old lunchbox. [slide of Gomer Pyle lunchbox with illustration of Gomer squirting water into garbage can and having it splash back on Sgt. Carter]
That's real. And why Sgt. Carter is so mad that Gomer sprays in his face when he just wanted him to spray in his can.
New Rule: [slide of "shaman"] I don't care if you are a Tuvan shaman and a member of the Russian Spirit of the Bear Society. Don't wear a dead bird on your head. People won't call you a "mystic intermediary between the human and spirit worlds." They'll call you "The Donald." [slide of Donald Trump]