The walk-on song for my campaign rally would be:
“Brick House” by The Commodores, cause I’m “mighty might just lettin’ it all hang out.”
I’d choose _______ to be my vice president:
I would hope that the technology would be there so that I could clone myself, so then my vice president could be me.
My top priority as president would be:
Getting us off of gasoline. Not because of a shortage, but because it would seem we’re so far behind on flying cars, and flying cars don’t run on gas -- they run on crystals or something. So I’d want to urge that along.
I would invite [BLANK] to my first state dinner:
Jackie Chan, Bill Murray and KITT from 'Knight Rider' -- you know, the car.
My first international presidential visit would be to:
Somewhere warm, but I’d need an excuse for going. St. Lucia or Barbados. There’s some really, really important work to do over there.
I’d choose _______ to design my presidential wardrobe:
I’d look slick in Hugo Boss. Hugo Boss would have all my guys running wild.
Which cast member, past or present, would you want to spoof you on 'SNL'?
What would your Secret Service codename be?
What event would you use your presidential powers to get tickets to?
If I could use my powers to get the Detroit Lions to the Super Bowl, I’d go to that.
Of all the recreation amenities at the White House, I’d use the [BLANK] the most:
The hot tub. Also, the presidential arcade that I’d have installed. An Xbox One, 'NBA Jam,' a little international 'Call of Duty.'
The national holiday I would institute would be:
4/20, but not for what you’d think. [Whispers] It’s for weed.
Who would you have the NSA spy on, for personal reasons?
Rihanna. See what her dating habits are about, then just kind of swoop in there. As president, it’d be my duty.
What would you make your bagman carry at all times?
A Game Boy, some sparkling water -- LaCroix, specifically -- some cocoa butter, because you’ve got to have that cocoa butter. Maybe a bag of chips.
What snacks would you require on Air Force One?
Gummy bears galore, crunchy M&Ms, more of that LaCroix and steaks -- you’ve got to have beef. Snack steaks. I’ll be the first president to die of a heart attack within the first two weeks. Sorry, William Henry Harrison.
What meal would you want the White House kitchen to be able to make for you, day or night?
Either a real nice duck breast or a surf and turf with steak and lobster. I love gout. I think I’m a big fan of the gout.
Who would you pardon?
I’d give a pardon to my bagman, for having all my weed in his bag.
Being the Leader of the Free World is stressful -- what cocktail would you wind down with?
A solid Jameson and Ginger.
What amenity would you add to the White House?
Massage chairs, standard in every room.
My biggest presidential gaffe would likely be:
Falling asleep on live television. I’d be dreaming of important things, though.
What city would you choose to house your presidential library?
Detroit, my hometown.
The title of my presidential memoirs would be:
“Four Wasted Years, Somehow Followed by Another Four.”