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Teleplay by: Simon Blackwell & Tony Roche
Story by: Armando Iannucci & Simon Blackwell Tony Roche
Directed by: Chris Addison

God, theres so many people in here. Its like a Mormon orgy.  Selina

En route to D.C., the staff celebrates Selinas impending presidential transition. Amy reminds Selina that she still also has to campaign for her election, though it falls on deaf ears. Instead, Selina is delighted to receive a congratulatory voicemail from Beyoncé, calling her a single lady.

Selina returns to her offices and is greeted by an excited mob. Sue informs her of her swearing in ceremony the following day and notes that, afterwards, Selina will acquire the nuclear codes. Goodbye, China, Ben mutters. As her first order of business, Selina tells Kent to get rid of Leslie Carr. Kent questions specifics about the particular name, but she blows him off.

Its going to be Def-Con fun.  Ben

Selina takes Ben aside and asks him to be her acting chief of staff. He begs her to spare him, claiming he was bulimic the whole first year but didnt even lose any weight. She threatens to bring back Prohibition if he doesnt agree to continue in his role.

Kent calls for a meeting with Dan in a storage closet and informs him that the Washington Post has traced the Danny Chung torture rumor back to its source -- aka, the river Dan. Dan begs for 24 hours to find a solution, and Kent agrees to six hours. Ill see you then, Kent says. Alternatively, goodbye forever. Dan rushes to find Ben, but the chief of staff denies ever telling him the story. The f*ck stops here, Dan.

The web made me, I cant denounce it. Thats like Peter denouncing Christ. Or worse.  Jonah

Dan meets with Jonah, who tells him hes done in D.C. and has plans to head to Africa to help install sewage systems in poor communities or go to Wall Street -- one of the two. Dan tells him thats too bad, since they have a position for him in the White House, on the condition that he deny to the press that the Chung torture rumor came from the Veeps office

Out of deference to the former First Lady, Selina is sworn into office in a White House state room with no pomp or circumstance. While she recites the oath, Mike bumps into a lamp, interrupting her recitation.

Im like a boom op on a porn shoot right now.  Jonah

Jonah finds Dan to complain that hes buried so far in the West Wing that hes practically in Pyongyang. Hes receiving massive amounts of hate from the internet community after blaming the web for the Chung torture story, which includes a meme of him having sex with a chicken while dressed as Bin Laden. Jonah adds: And its really well done so it legitimately looks like Im engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims.

The perfect shoe for the perfect moment for the perfect life of the perfect woman.  Gary

Gary presents Selina with a pair of special shoes she told him she wanted to wear if she ever became president. Selina pretends to be touched by the gesture, despite being thoroughly creeped out. As Selina approaches the podium to give her first address as president, she realizes that the perfect shoes squeak. Ben, Dan, Gary, and Mike watch on in horror as Twitter explodes with the headline President squeaks to the nation.

Following her address, Selina threatens her staff that any f*ck-up from now on is not just a f*ck-up, its my legacy. Adding insult to injury, Kent informs her that her decision to remove Leslie Kerr from State has freaked out the Iranians. Selina tells him she didnt mean Leslie Kerr, she meant Leslie Carr, that bitch from Energy. Kent explains that she meant Leanne Carr. Selina freaks out, and asks if she could just say it was an error, but Ben warns her that it would be terrible public relations. You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the f*ckin Lincoln Memorial. Selina orders Kent to New Hampshire to attach some electrodes to the corpse of her campaign.

We just need bodies now, Amy. Warm, upright bodies that can still punch a hole in a card.  Kent

Kent and Amy discuss campaign tactics after watching a new advertisement from Joe Thornhill blasting Selina. Kent admits they need the support of Jonahs uncle, Jeff Kane, now that Maddox has backed out of the race.  Amy orders Dan to talk to Jonah, who remains miffed about his new position in the White House. Hell only help if Dan hires him an assistant, as well as gets him West Exec parking and mess hall privileges. You want a Jonah? Dan asks. Yeah, Jonah says. And henceforth, they will no longer be known as Jonahs. Theyll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the f*ck that persons name turns out to be. And you cant hire anyone named Jonah!

Dan and Ben tell Selina that Maddox and Pierce have publically endorsed Chung. She decides they need to head to New Hampshire to do a photo op among the people, as long as its not at a hospice. I cant risk some f*cker flat-lining right next to me, she mutters.

Its not like Im trying to get sworn-in by an Elvis impersonator.  Selina

Selina heads to a factory that manufactures protective gear for firefighters and the employees love her. Amy delights over the fact that Selina is so good at making people believe shes good with people.

Ben interrupts Selinas tour to tell her that shes not actually the President. She messed up the oath when Mike bumped into the lamp and now the Speaker is demanding she be sworn in properly. Selina refuses to head back to D.C. and demands that they find a local federal justice to swear her in at the factory. It could be really great for us, Amy agrees. Play up to New Hampshires already inflated sense of self-importance.

Selina returns to the tour only to be interrupted by Ben, yet again. Hes gotten word that Iran is officially pissed about her decision to fire Leslie Kerr. Apparently, they like the guy. It must be the beard. He warns that their statement could spook the markets and spike gas prices, so she needs to reinstate Kerr despite it being a PR disaster.

I came in third, Amy. Even the Nazis came in second.  Selina

The night of the New Hampshire Primary, the staff watches the polls dejectedly as Danny Chung is confirmed as the winner, and they wait to learn whether or not Selina comes in second. The final blow comes when CNN confirms Joe Thornhill beat her by 1 percent of the vote, placing her in third. Its 1 percent, thats nothing, Gary reassures her. Youre basically second. Youre second in our eyes, Ill tell you that much.



28: New Hampshire

Season 3