HBO
Thanks for joining! You're about to be live with Robert "Bobby" Kelly, the stand-up comic from Dane Cook's Tourgasm. The chat is about to begin - so start sending your questions now and tune in to the show - now airing on HBO.

ROBERT
I want to say to everybody that I want to give them a high five with two kisses from the side, so it's not gay.

HBO
Young Misses: How does it feel to be on tour with Dane, and what do u think this will do for your career as a comic?? By the way, I always knew who u were. U r freakin hilarious!!!

ROBERT
Well thank you, Young Misses! Being on tour with Dane was unbelievable. Unbelievable. He's my best friend of 16 years, and an inspiration as far as a comic goes. I think what this will do for me and my career is expose me to thousands and thousands of Dane Cook fans, who are slowly becoming my fans, which is the best!

HBO
AdamB: What was the best part of the trip?

ROBERT
The best part of the trip for me was the meet and greets, signing autographs and meeting every fan and saying hi and actually getting to put your hand out and meet the people, the shadowy faces in the crowd who were laughing at you. Usually you don't get to do that, but on this tour we did. We saw a million faces, and we rocked them all, as Bon Jovi would say.

HBO
Mike: Hey just wanna say I think you are a funny ass guy but I wanna know if u guys will do a second season of Tourgasm? Me and my brothers watch every episode and we love it. Thanx.

ROBERT
That's a question to ask The Big Man, Dane Cook. I would get on a bus tomorrow and film episodes.

HBO
Dane Cook: Are you going to call me back after you're done, man?

ROBERT
I'm busy. Only if there's a Tourgasm deuce!

HBO
VVild0ne: Where did you meet Dane?

ROBERT
In a gay bar. Actually, I met him in Boston. He was in my improv group, and we started comedy together back in Beantown when we were little lads with mullets.

HBO
Bucketthead: Would you ever go on a tour with Jay Davis again? I know you two had some tough times.

ROBERT
I'm on tour with him right now and all summer. And me, Gary, and Jay are going to do an official Tourgasm tour starting in September - 35 cities across the country over four months. But we still fight a lot. The fighting was real. We're just two different people, but he's a good kid. And I'm f**king awesome.

HBO
Thrillcat: Is someone else typing for you tonight? :)

ROBERT
Absof**kinglutely! And I'm not putting the asterisks in this - the typist won't type swear words. She won't let me say motherf**ker sh*t. Bitch.

HBO
Juliemac1972: Bobby, I know that you are engaged - can you tell us when the big day is so we can all send gifts??

ROBERT
I didn't know that I was going to be on HBO before I asked the question, so now that I might be famous, I might break the engagement. I take that back, because my girl is looking at me right now with a knife. No date set right now. But I'm engaged, so basically I'm finished. Can't fool around with other women. It's kinda the same as being married, except I don't have a sh*tty ring around MY finger.

HBO
Lambda Lady: Boxers or briefs? LOL - had to ask.

ROBERT
Tighty whiteys.

HBO
Hobbes: How did you break into comedy and what keeps you doing it?

ROBERT
I started in college at a talent show, and got my first laugh. Then I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. So whether I earn a million bucks doing it, or whether I have to have 6 other jobs, I'll still do standup. It's my drug of choice. Make the mofos laugh!

HBO
Testes122: Where do you see yourself a year from now?

ROBERT
Probably fatter. And more successful. Hopefully, with my own HBO half hour.

HBO
MrAndyBear: How much do you alter stories of what has happened to you to make comedy out of it?

ROBERT
Not too much. You have to enhance it to make it funny with words and timing, but I have a joke about me sh*tting my pants with my girl, and that's how I knew I had real love when she didn't leave me. I do have a snakeskin leather jacket that I can't zip. And if I could zip it, I would look like a fat snake. So you just take the truth and enhance it, and therein lies the ha-ha.

HBO
Nateanite: If you were offered the chance to do another month of Tourgasm shows, would you do it?

ROBERT
Yes, I would go tomorrow. I'd go now.

HBO
AdamB: If u could redo any show what would it be?

ROBERT
The one where I snapped my knee. I'd keep my tubby ass on the sidelines, smoking and drinking instead of playing football with people who are in shape. I was having a blast up until that point.

HBO
Donoghue: Bob, is anyone holding your hand, man?

ROBERT
(laughing) I really am a fag. I tried not to cry, because I wanted Jay to be the only one who cried on the show, and I was so holding back my tears with Dane's hand while he was holding it. And for some reason, Dane let go of my hand. Probably because he's not gay. And as soon as he let go, it just came to my head, the words "Hold my hand, man." I'm a pussy, and what are ya gonna do? It was better than "Hold my d*ck, man."

HBO
Pirate Chick Shae: What advice do you have for people who have the ability to make people laugh, just not the confidence to actually get on the stage to actually pursue comedy?

ROBERT
Comedy is getting on stage, wherever and however you can, in front of 2 people or 10,000 people and talking. Telling jokes. That's it. Get on stage as much as you can, and you will evolve into what you're supposed to evolve into.

HBO
Falloutboys: What were some of the things that should have been shown throughout the tour and were not?

ROBERT
I think more of the standup comedy. It was only a half hour show, so they had to go with the story line and I give Dane credit because he did keep the integrity of the show. But I think it would have been better to show more standup. What you see is kinda what you get, but DVD, DVD, DVD. I got 2 points on the DVD! Keep'em wanting more, baby. We had 400 hours of footage. And let's put it this way - me and Jay go at it again, the one you didn't see. We're going to have to do commentary on the DVD commentary!

HBO
Zen: What's the weirdest/creepiest thing a fan has said or done to you?

ROBERT
"I love you." Nah, I'm joking. I think the craziest thing a fan ever did was come up to me on stage and lick my face. It was the craziest thing, yet the sexiest thing at the same time.

HBO
Gelarella: Some people think comedians are the new rock stars, so what is the groupie scene like? And do you partake?

ROBERT
I plead the fifth. Does the word "randomhead" mean anything to you?

HBO
The Comedians Wife: If you could take four different people with you on your own Tourgasm, who would they be?

ROBERT
Colin Quinn, Jim Norton, Bill Burr, and Patrice O'neal.

HBO
Fuzzykarma: Is it frustrating when people don't get your jokes?

ROBERT
No. I mean, if a joke bombs, that means it's not funny. But it's good because I tried it and gave it a chance. Sometimes they bomb and people don't think they're funny. Finding a truthful thought that you can make funny is a hard thing to do. Unless they're a bunch of liberal douchebags or politically correct a**faces, then they can go f**k themselves. I'm funny!

HBO
TaylorGray: Can you tell us about your very first stand-up performance? What was it like? What was the response?

ROBERT
It was amazing. I remember the first line of the first joke, and it actually got a laugh. I ran behind the curtain and I clenched my fist and freaked out. It was like hitting a home run. The response was like an explosion of emotions, not to sound toooo gay.

HBO
Zee Roh: Did you ever want to quit and just not go back to the bus?

ROBERT
Never. Never. No. It was hard. It wasn't fun all the time. But look, I've been busting my ass for 16 years and to be able to do those shows in front of that many people was a dream come true. Even if Tourgasm never aired on HBO, the good and the bad, it was great on the bus. And yes, that rhymes. Or at least is poetic.

HBO
BUSTIN DUSTIN: I am currently working hard at doing stand-up comedy while raising my family. Is there any helpful advice you can give this amateur? I am hitting open mic/amateur events the last week of every month, writing new material. What else does this clown need to do here in Cedar Rapids, Iowa?

ROBERT
Dump your wife and get rid of those kids. Nah, I'm joking ;-) Get on stage. The best advice I ever got was no advice. Just get on stage, and allow yourself to become better as a comic. As much as you can, get on stage. The only way to evolve.

HBO
Nate3713: Robert, tell me about being a comedian nowadays compared to what it was like for Pryor, Murphy, and Carlin. Do you think there is more or less available to you in the way of getting your skills out there to the audience?

ROBERT
There's more - more stages, more TV, more mediums. They have cell phone comedy now, but that's a blessing and a curse. I think that because of TV and the saturation of standup comedy, and having to be neutral, politically correct and clean, it waters down real standup comedy. That's why having this on HBO is the ultimate - because we get to show you what really happened. But I think it was maybe a little more artistic back then. Everything has now been said twice. But, you know, you got to dig for your truth. Either that, or steal jokes.

HBO
Stephanie: Did it finally make u realize how popular u were becoming?

ROBERT
: I didn't know how popular I was becoming until around 3 weeks ago when I started getting recognized in public. I was in Vegas at a roulette table, and around 12 people came up and wanted photos and autographs. And my myspace (www.myspace.com/robertkellylive) exploded in the last 3 weeks - I think it went from 6,000 to 15,000 people in 3 weeks, and counting. So bring it on, bitches!

HBO
Rock: Does it feel great being the go-kart champion?

ROBERT
Unbelievable! What they didn't show in that episode is that I really thought I was going to lose. So before we did that, I actually did a whole thing about it's OK to be a loser and how I was going to lose intentionally so kids out there who are losers would think it's OK. Then when I won, you know what I found out? If you lose, you're a f**king loser. If you win, you're a goddamn winner. And I'm a winner. Every night I kissed the trophy when I went back into the bus. Every night. And Dane showed me a photograph 2 weeks ago that he would stick the trophy up his ass every night before I would come back. Yuccchh.

HBO
Vincent: How about a tour with Jim Norton?

ROBERT
I am going on tour with Jim Norton. It's called the Opie & Anthony Traveling Virus tour. Check it out at foundrymusic.com.

HBO
The Comedians Wife: Do you have good medical insurance as a comedian?

ROBERT
No. I actually just got medical insurance before Tourgasm started, so I paid for medicine. That's a weird f**king question. How old are you?

HBO
Urfrigginrad: On an episode of Tourgasm u said a story about how u were cuddling on the couch with ur girl and u crapped ur pants. Is that really a true story??

ROBERT
Yes! I was snuggling, playing the old "Was that you?" fart game (which is one of my favorites) and I accidentally sh*t my tighty whiteys. That really happened. And that's how I knew my girl really loved me.

HBO
Dane Cook: Ask RK if Helga Sockwater is still around.

ROBERT
She is around, and she is actually eating mulletfish, which is a cousin of the gefilte fish.

HBO
Kris Knight: You and Jay are performing here in Houston next month. How is it working with Jay apart of the Tourgasm tour?

ROBERT
Let's put it this way - Jay's not on that show. It's just me. We'll be in Dallas next week. And me and Jay are fine now.

HBO
Robert, this has been great, thanks! Any last comments you have to add before we have to close tonight?

ROBERT
I really from the bottom of my heart appreciate you coming and checking this out and being on my myspace (www.myspace.com/robertkellylive) and coming out to the shows. I hope to see you soon and make you laugh. And for all the people that don't like me, loosen the f**k up, dummies!

HBO
Thanks for your questions. Now that you've heard Bobby's take on the cross-country comedy tour, tune in to see what happens when "Dane Cook's Tourgasm" hits the road next - Sunday, July 30 at 11pm - only on HBO.



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