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I asked a family friend, therapist Dr. Jennifer Melfi, if she had any thoughts on why some people are too mortified to entertain at home. To my delight, she had just returned from a weeklong conference on Acute Social Anxiety Disorders, including a panel on this very topic. Here are her reflections.
Dear Carmela:
I finally found a minute to collect my thoughts re the subject we discussed. I call it "party anxiety" and plan to develop a peer-group on this debilitating fear. But for noew, here are cursory observation.
"They need to please." It is so ingrained in the mind of the modern party giver-usually female but not always-that the very idea of opening her doors to freinds and family is a source of deep psychic pain. Many people simply avoid this pain by never hosting anything bigger than chicken-in-a-box for four. Those who contemplate a more elaborate soiree feel deeply inadequate. Their shabby house insn't up to snuff. Their microwave-centered food skills aren't up to snuff. The only decorating they've ever done was a comwboy-themed birthday party for a four-year-old. They feel instantly self-conscious, dull, boring, and ugly. Yes, ugly. Many say, "I'm too unattractive to host a big party. The hostess is always the prettiest one in the room."
On the surface, this seems silly, doesn't it? I mean, parties are work, for sure, but they aren't brain surgery. Well, fear of flying or fear of unsanitary public toilets seems silly, too, until you yourself are gripped by this fear. Don't laugh at your friend with "party anxiety." Give her a new perspective. Give her the cognitive tools to overcome her fears and enjoy the moment.
Personally, I see party anxiety as a performance anxiety. The phobic question sees opening her house and lifestlye to others as tantamount to a one-person stage show entitled "Now You Know the Real Me." So, let's just run with the stage metaphor. How do you prepare for a performance? You rehearse. In a lighthearted spirit, walk your nervous friend through all the steps of a modest house party as if she were a little girl playing with her dollhouse. There's no fear in that-it's harmless make-believe. Once she gets into the "game" of planning, she'll begin to realize that it's not the overwhelming or onerous task she imagined. It's a step-by-step process. What do you like to eat? There's the menu. What's your favorite flower? There's the decor. What's the most fun dress you've ever owned? There's your outfit. What do you really like and not just tolerate? There's your guest list.
If all goes well, the subject begins to see the party unfold in her imagination in the same way an Oympic runner visualizes crossing the finsih line first or a second-rate actor visualizes his acceptance speech for the Academy Awards. When she sees it, she starts it believe in it, and when she starts to believe in the party, she starts to believe in herself.
Of course, planning a party and the actual job of hosting one are two different things. But, if you can help your friend get through the steps above, you're at least halfway there.
I hope this helps, and good luck with your book project.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi
 Buy the book |
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Mob Facts
The FBI's operation "Mobstock" charged members of the Bonanno and Genovese families with taking over brokerage firms and bribing and threatening brokers to pump up the value of stocks for a quick profit.
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