Episode 327

August 1, 2014

New Rules

New Rule: Men who get a vasectomy and then change their minds and have that vasectomy reversed...are too indecisive to father children, and have to get another vasectomy. [single audience member claps] Go find that one guy out there, will you?

New Rule: Men who get a vasectomy and then change their minds and have that vasectomy reversed...are too indecisive to father children, and have to get another vasectomy. [single audience member claps] Go find that one guy out there, will you?

HARDWICK: There he is! He's over there! There he is, right there.

MAHER: New Rule: [slide of shelf filled with laxatives] Whole Foods has to explain if their food is so good for you, why do they have an entire shelf of products to make it leave your body as soon as possible?

New Rule: [slide of book cover, My Parents Open Carry] The illustrator of this children's book, My Parents Open Carry - has to tell me what the dad in this picture - Freddie Mercury, apparently -is doing with his hand.

Also, if mom and dad are both safe because they're packing, why are they using their daughter as a human shield?

New Rule: British Columbia-[slide of British Columbia "AWAKEN" travel poster featuring bear in foreground]-if you want me to vacation there, don't advertise the likelihood that I'm going to run into a giant bear. "Awaken"? Oh, I'm awake, because there's a grizzly bear in my tent.

New Rule: The makers of "Sharknado" have to ...have to try harder to be stupid. Have they seen "Heaven is For Real"?

HARDWICK: That's a good one. Besides, a really laughable, stupid sequel is always 3-D. You need glasses! [slides of posters] Like "Jaws 3-D" and "Piranha 3-D," and Rick Perry.

And, finally, New Rule: Americans must take the rest of the summer to contemplate the fact that we get far less vacation time than any other civilized country. Which is maybe why, on the world "happiness index," we're down at number 17.

Have you ever wondered, for example, why every Australian you meet is 20 times happier than you've ever been? I have never met a single Aussie who wasn't the life of the party. And I think I've figured out why. They don't have jobs! They just travel and drink and try to steal your girlfriend.

In fact, I think Australia is just one giant pyramid scheme and...stop, wait, I need a vacation, too.

Because I'm not really here to talk about Australia. I want to talk about America, and why our balance of working to living is so off. Like, what is up with these people who win the lottery and proudly announce they won't quit their jobs? How is that heroic? "I'm going to take this giant jackpot I want and keep my gig at the slaughterhouse."

Oh, please. Either quit your job or give the money back. You're a waste of good luck.

Like a nun with a huge rack. for the right to keep mining coal, to keep working in a coal mine, a job so horrible when you're trying to find an exaggerated way to describe a horrible job...you say it's "like working in a coal mine."

Where did we get this idea that drudgery is next to godliness? The Church, of course. For hundreds of years, the Catholic Church taught that God loved poverty. That's why he made so much of it. It's available everywhere, like ‘holy wifi.'

And, then the Protestants came along with their Protestant work ethic and said, "No, actually, God wanted everyone to get rich or die trying." And, that idea got passed down until it reached assholes like this guy. [slide of Cadillac commercial spokesman] Remember him from the Cadillac commercial?

Back in March, I ripped this ad a new one for explaining that the ‘genius of America is that we work non-stop and take way less vacation time than those Euro-weenies, and that allows us to buy more stuff like Cadillacs.'

Except it didn't make me want to buy a Cadillac. It made me want to run one in my garage until I died of carbon monoxide poisoning.


CADILLAC SPOKESMAN: Other countries, they work, they stroll home, they stop by the café, they take August off. Off. Why aren't you like that? Why aren't we like that? Because we're crazy, driven, hard-workin' believers, that's why. Those other countries think we're nuts. Whatever. Were the Wright brothers insane? Bill Gates, Les Paul, Ali...

[back to live]

MAHER: Wait a second! Stop that! I want to answer that question, why aren't I like that. I AM LIKE THAT! [Maher is up and moving downstage] And I am proud to be like that. And I am taking August off, all of it.

And, you know what? I am going to stroll home from the café in a leisurely fashion every night. Even though I live in Los Angeles and the closest café is six miles from my house. I'll have to walk on the freeway and probably get killed. But...somebody's got to get all stirred up about relaxing!

"Cadillac Man" says all the stuff we buy is the upside to only working two weeks in August. And the upside of taking all of August off is not having a heart attack when you're 50!

You know who else famously takes the month of August off? Psychiatrists. When folks with a doctorate in crazy think that working in August is crazy, it's probably crazy.

So, listen up, America, why don't we take a hint from places that know how to live? Europe and Latin America, they take a break every day between noon and three, and they call it a siesta.

But, let's face it -they're fucking in the day, and we're not!

Cadillac Man ...thinks you're nuts if you choose relaxing and enjoying life over making more money, but, whatever. [slides of Allman Brothers, others as he notes them] Were the Allman Brothers insane? Jimmy Buffett? Ferris Bueller? Dave Chappelle? "The Big Lebowski"? Bobby Brown? Jeff Spicoli? George W. Bush?

Were we nuts when we invented the "beer helmet"? The remote? The bright orange pool table?

Four-twenty? That's right. That's right, we carved out a piece of time in the middle of the workday just to get high. Why? Because we're couch-potato lovin', full-body buzz, stare-into-space, trippy dreamers, that's why.

And, as...as for the big smile on your face and the healthy blood pressure, that's the upside of taking all of August off, n'est pas?

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