New Rule: The criminal in this mug shot that went viral last week must hook up with the lady from this mug shot that went viral two years ago...and rob the shit out of Abercrombie & Fitch. You know, because they're good looking.
New Rule: [slides of two "glamorous" mug shots] The criminal in this mug shot that went viral last week must hook up with the lady from this mug shot that went viral two years ago...and rob the shit out of Abercrombie & Fitch. You know, because they're good looking.
New Rule: Republicans have to stop saying that all those Central American kids we're detaining prove we have to secure the border. The border is secure. How do you think we caught all those damn kids?
New Rule: The producers of the new TV show, "Rising Star," have to admit that anyone in America with any talent at all has already appeared on one of the other TV talent shows. Unless one of those eight-year-olds who just crossed the Mexican border can carry a tune...I think we're tapped out.
New Rule: Someone has to tell the dude who walked into a New York City McDonald's chatting on his cell phone with a knife stuck in his back, that there is such a thing as playing it too cool.
New Rule: You know those local news stories where a returning American soldier surprises his kids? Well, now that we're going back to Iraq, we should do some where the soldier surprises a kid in Iraq. "Hey, Muhammad, it's me! And this time, I promise I'll never leave you again."
New Rule: Spain has too many weird festivals. [slides shown of festivals cited] There's the running of the bulls. There's that weird food fight with tomatoes. And this week, they had the "Devil's Jump." A man dressed as the Devil jumps over babies. Did I mention that Spain's unemployment rate is 25%?
New Rule: Stop making fun of the exchange student who got stuck in a giant... [slide of Asian student trapped in ‘giant vagina' sculpture]...got stuck in a giant vagina sculpture...in Germany this week.
He was just an inexperienced man in a foreign land. And, by ‘foreign land,' I mean vaginas. But...but, the kid shouldn't - but, the kid shouldn't feel too bad. How many times does an Asian guy get to say, "I was too big"?