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New Rules

New Rule: [slides of two "glamorous" mug shots] The criminal in this mug shot that went viral last week must hook up with the lady from this mug shot that went viral two years ago...and rob the shit out of Abercrombie & Fitch. You know, because they're good looking.

New Rule: Republicans have to stop saying that all those Central American kids we're detaining prove we have to secure the border. The border is secure. How do you think we caught all those damn kids?

New Rule: The producers of the new TV show, "Rising Star," have to admit that anyone in America with any talent at all has already appeared on one of the other TV talent shows. Unless one of those eight-year-olds who just crossed the Mexican border can carry a tune...I think we're tapped out.

New Rule: Someone has to tell the dude who walked into a New York City McDonald's chatting on his cell phone with a knife stuck in his back, that there is such a thing as playing it too cool.

New Rule: You know those local news stories where a returning American soldier surprises his kids? Well, now that we're going back to Iraq, we should do some where the soldier surprises a kid in Iraq. "Hey, Muhammad, it's me! And this time, I promise I'll never leave you again."

New Rule: Spain has too many weird festivals. [slides shown of festivals cited] There's the running of the bulls. There's that weird food fight with tomatoes. And this week, they had the "Devil's Jump." A man dressed as the Devil jumps over babies. Did I mention that Spain's unemployment rate is 25%?

New Rule: Stop making fun of the exchange student who got stuck in a giant... [slide of Asian student trapped in giant vagina' sculpture]...got stuck in a giant vagina sculpture...in Germany this week.

He was just an inexperienced man in a foreign land. And, by foreign land,' I mean vaginas. But...but, the kid shouldn't - but, the kid shouldn't feel too bad. How many times does an Asian guy get to say, "I was too big"?

New Rule: The criminal in this mug shot that went viral last week must hook up with the lady from this mug shot that went viral two years ago...and rob the shit out of Abercrombie & Fitch. You know, because they're good looking.

New Rule: [slide of pitcher with padded baseball cap] Major League pitchers can go ahead and wear this new padded cap as protection against line drives to the head. But, when they give up a home run, they have to say, "Ah, rats!" [slide of Peanuts' Charlie Brown with oversized baseball cap]

And, finally, New Rule - and this one goes out especially to Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, who is a big fan, by the way - never misses the show, loves New Rules... This one's for you, Al: When you don't give people a seat at the table, they tend to want to blow up the table.

Now, tomorrow, June 28th, marks 100 years since the assassination that started World War I, when an odd little man in a strange looking car was fatally wounded. Because it was made by GM.

And, after that, all the shit in the Balkans hit all the fans in the world, and the tribal feud became a worldwide death match, like a bum fight turning into "Game of Thrones."

World War I is the only war I can think of where I don't know why it was fought. I don't always agree with wars being fought, but if they are, I can immediately tell you why.

Civil War: end slavery. Revolutionary War: break away from Britain. Vietnam: stop communism from spreading; Iraq War: make money for Halliburton.

The Peloponnesian War...I thought you knew.

But, World War I? You got me. The soldiers' helmets had a point. [laughter] But, not so much the war. I mean, no one can say exactly why it happened. It just happened.

Like...like when there were suddenly all those movies with Gerard Butler. [laughter]

Wars...wars should be like pitch meetings for a movie. You should be able to explain it in one sentence.

"Titanic": Teenagers have sex and tip over a boat. [laughter]

"Jurassic Park": Resurrecting dinosaurs turns out to be a shitty idea. [laughter]

"Wizard of Oz": Nice girl from Kansas drops acid. [laughter] You know, one sentence.

"Spiderman 3": Same shit as last time. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]

Point being, we don't know why World War I started, but we do know exactly what started World War II: World War I. Yes, the Treaty of Versailles humiliated Germany, which lost everything but Oktoberfest. [laughter]

Virtually assuring that they would come back for revenge, just like the Sunnis are doing now in Iraq. Revenge. It's kind of like workplace sex or eating at Wendy's. [laughter] It feels good at the time, but, soon enough, you will regret it. [laughter] [applause]

Episode 323

June 27, 2014

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