Episode 321

June 13, 2014

New Rules

New Rule: It’s been 20 years. O.J. doesn’t have to tell us if he did it, but he does have to explain why, when the gloves didn’t fit, even he looked surprised. “Wait, does this mean I actually DIDN’T kill my wife?!”

New Rule: [slide of O.J. Simpson trying on gloves] It’s been 20 years. O.J. doesn’t have to tell us if he did it, but he does have to explain why, when the gloves didn’t fit, even he looked surprised. “Wait, does this mean I actually DIDN’T kill my wife?!”

New Rule: [slide of mug shots of woman and man] This woman, age 68, and this man, 49, arrested for having sex in the public square of her Florida retirement home…have to take it indoors. Also, someone has to explain to the man that when she screams, “What’s my name?! What’s my name?!,” she’s really asking.

New Rule: Baristas have to find a better use for the Masters of Fine Arts degree than…[laughter] …drawing pictures in my latte. Coffee – coffee is a drug. It doesn’t require cute pictures to make people want it. Never once has a coke dealer laid out lines in the shape of Hello Kitty. [slide of Hello Kitty coke design]

New Rule: Even Eric Cantor has to admit, if you spend your life cutting programs that help children, you deserve to get beaten by a guy named “Brat.” [slide of voting results] [laughter] [applause] It’s like Ted Cruz losing to someone named “Tommy NotAnAssWipe.” [slide of voting results]

New Rule: [slide of Margaret Lovatt with dolphin] You can criticize Margaret Lovatt, the dolphin researcher who admits that in her attempt to teach dolphins human speech, she sometimes masturbates them. But, you have to admit, if that doesn’t get them talking, nothing will. Also, I think in this study, we learn much more about women; that even after bringing a sea creature to orgasm, they still want to know, “What are you thinking?”

And, finally, New Rule: Now that the people of Colorado have legalized pot have legalized pot for everybody, and not just for longtime sufferers of…uh, well, whatever it is I have they must realize they are the “Jackie Robinson” of marijuana legislation. [slide of Jackie Robinson wearing number 42]

Which is why they can’t go all Cheech & Chong on us. You guys have to get this right, or it’s going to ruin it for everybody. So, embrace it. Be the “Jackie Robinson” of pot. [42 on Robinson’s uniform becomes “420”]

Now, I bring this up because New York Times Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Maureen Dowd recently had a bad pot trip in a Colorado hotel room. And it raised important issues like, “Maureen, you finally decided to do pot and you didn’t ask me to guide you through it?” I’m hurt. It’s like being personal friends with Hercules and not asking him to help you move. [


I mean, I think you know my credentials, okay? [slides accompany these “credentials”] I was number one on High Times magazine’s list of pot comics in 2006. I should have also totally won in ’99. I had an amazing year.

I also won High Times’ best cable news show in ’07, when they said, “When it comes to Cannabis advocacy on television, no one can touch Bill Maher.”

I was the keynote speaker at the 2002 NORML convention.

I was College Party Guru’s number-four celebrity pothead of all time!

And, I am the proud owner of this trophy. [he holds up trophy] This is real. Presented to me – okay, sent to me in the mail—commemorating my induction into the Jose Cuervo Party Hall of Fame in 2000.

Okay? I have spilled more pot than most of you have smoked!

So, I believe I have the gravitas to offer some advice to Colorado and everyone on saving this experiment in personal freedom. And the first rule is: Don’t mix pot with alcohol. It doesn’t make it better, because it’s two good things. It’s like “funny porn.” It actually…it actually makes both awful!

Even more important, if you’ve never had pot, don’t eat it the first time! Oh, God! It’s so much more intense when you eat it! It would be like losing your virginity to Ron Jeremy.

And, it’s dangerous, since edibles look just like regular food. So, a newbie sees a pot brownie and thinks, “One brownie, one serving.” Or, being and American, “Six brownies, one serving.”

Now, if you do eat it, remember, it takes time. So, stop watching the clock. Just relax, and, trust me, in a couple hours, you’ll be saying, “You’re doing a heck of a job, brownie.”

Now, I personally don’t eat it because it makes me paranoid. And nothing ruins a party like people who are paranoid and delusional. [laughter] Just as the Republicans.

But, if you do eat it and get paranoid, this is important: Stay out of the bathroom!! I don’t know why, but paranoid people want to be in the bathroom. [laughter] I guess they think they’ll be closer to emergency facilities like a sink.

But, they wind up cowering like Oscar Pistorius is on the other side of the door. [Maher glares at audience]

Oh, and if you are in the bathroom, don’t look in the mirror. Just don’t.

You see, one reason why pot is productive for creative people is it allows you to see things you’ve long grown accustomed to as if for the first time. [laughter] But, don’t try it with YOUR FACE!!

Finally, stay away from stuff that’s only for veteran smokers. Pot stores sell these super-concentrated crystals called kief that longtime stoners add to their pot because they’re jaded. But, this stuff is dangerous. It’s – it’s harvested directly from Willie Nelson’s beard. And, it should not be sold to novices.

So, Colorado, don’t sell kief to novices. Talk to customers like a pharmacist would. After all, we are pretending this is medicine.

And, mostly, stop selling pot products that look like children’s candy. [slide of marijuana edibles] That…that’s not…[applause] …that’s not what stoners would do. That’s what R.J. Reynolds would do. [slide of Camels ad]

We don’t want to…we don’t want to market it to children, and I’m sure parents don’t want their kids on pot. Adderall, sure. [slides shows various pharmaceuticals as he names them] Lithium, Lexapro, Klonopin, why not? Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, of course.

But, pot is the new kid. It has to play it safe. Let’s not throw the baby out with the bongwater.

And, let’s all of us remember you don’t need to do drugs to have a good time…But, why take chances?