You know, guns are legal. Okay, we get it. It doesn’t mean you have to scare the bejesus out of everybody. Chill out, Josey Wales, this isn’t the Wild West anymore. Clint Eastwood is directing “Jersey Boys” now.
Look at this guy at Chipotle. [slide of overweight man with rifle hanging down between his legs] Now, you might not be able to see him because he’s wearing a camouflage hat. But, trust me, there is a man standing there. [laughter]
And, I’m sure he would say that he’s just exercising his rights. And, by the looks of him, that’s the only thing he’s exercising. [laughter] [applause] But, what does he or any of these “patriots” imagine is going through the minds of sane people when they see this?!
“Oh, my, it looks like Vladimir Putin has annexed Chipotle.” “That’s – that’s alarming.”
When eight nitwits walked into Chili’s last month, armed to the teeth, or at least to where their teeth would be if they had any…[laughter] [applause] …a concerned mother asked, “What are you doing here?”
To which one of them said, “Representin’ our Second Amendment rights. We lose ‘em if we don’t use ‘em.”
Well, no, Cletus, actually…you don’t. They’re Constitutional rights. You can’t lose them. Perhaps you’re thinking of frequent flyer miles.
And, you know, that – that’s the thing about gun culture. There’s not a lot of culture. [laughter] It’s…it’s mostly about the guns. And the problem isn’t just that they’re so legal in America. It’s that they’re so beloved.
Guns aren’t just a tool of last resort, they’re AWESOME! That’s why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren’t just firearm enthusiasts, you’re “ammo-sexuals.” [slide of obese man in thong surrounded by weapons and ammo]
And, before you try and deny that you have some sort of unnatural, romantic relationship with your gun, consider this: you’re taking it out to dinner. Because it completes you. Get a room.
You know, I love Tiffany lamps, but if I couldn’t bear to leave the house without carrying one, they would lock me up.
It’s not secret I favor marijuana rights, but I don’t go to the Olive Garden and blow bong-hits into people’s faces. Anymore.
Here’s a crazy idea: try going out without your gun. I know there may be some separation anxiety, but just think how exciting it’ll be when you get home and there she is. Oiled up and just wearing a holster.
Now, the silver lining in all this is that these heavily-armed flash-mobs that have been alarming people in restaurants lately have managed to do what thousands of progressive legislators could not: they got guns banned.
Yeah, one by one, all these restaurants–all these restaurants said, no, sorry, you can no longer take a gun into Chipotle or Chili’s or Applebee’s or Wendy’s, or Jack-in-the-Box. From now on, if you want to die in one of these places, you’re going to have to do it the old-fashioned way: by eating their food!