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New Rules

New Rule: [slide of bride and groom with infant tied into wedding gown train] Dont tie your newborn baby to the train of your wedding dress. Im not surprised this happened. Im just surprised Kanye didnt think of it first.

New Rule: Cut MSNBC some slack for misreporting the death of Alice from the Brady Bunch, with the picture of the wrong actress. I mean, come on, its been 40 years since anyone hired a white woman to clean their house.

New Rule: The confusing clear history button on web browsers must be renamed to reflect what it actually means: Im done whacking off.

New Rule: Researchers who just did an extensive months-long study to determine that koala bears cling to tree trunks to stay cool, have to admit it may also have something to do with them not wanting to fall out of the tree.

New Rule: [slide of Triscuit box story] Someone has to break it to my box of Triscuits that I dont want to hear your story. I dont. I dont care about the time your dog died. I just want to munch on you for a while. 

If I wanted to hear a cracker drone on and on about their personal life, Ill buy a Taylor Swift album.

And finally, New Rule: The only time you should take a gun into a Sonic restaurant is when youre robbing it. [slides of various people carrying automatic weapons into public restaurants and other stores]

Yes, lately, firearms enthusiasts have been taking their guns out to public places for play-dates with other gun owners and their guns. And, in the process, frightening lots of properly-adjusted people. At places like Sonic and Chilis and Chipotle and Jack-in-the-Box. Proving once again that Americas gun laws are worthless and sad. And that its dining options arent much better.

Now, the other thing that the open carry movement is proving is something Ive believed for a long time: that, no matter how crazy gun culture gets in America, never think it cant get crazier.

I mean, what possible reason could a person have for bringing a semi-automatic weapon into Home Depot? Youre there to buy a toilet seat. I doubt you will meet armed resistance.

New Rules: Dont tie your newborn baby to the train of your wedding dress.

You know, guns are legal. Okay, we get it. It doesnt mean you have to scare the bejesus out of everybody. Chill out, Josey Wales, this isnt the Wild West anymore. Clint Eastwood is directing Jersey Boys now.

Look at this guy at Chipotle. [slide of overweight man with rifle hanging down between his legs] Now, you might not be able to see him because hes wearing a camouflage hat. But, trust me, there is a man standing there. [laughter]

And, Im sure he would say that hes just exercising his rights. And, by the looks of him, thats the only thing hes exercising. [laughter] [applause] But, what does he or any of these patriots imagine is going through the minds of sane people when they see this?!

Oh, my, it looks like Vladimir Putin has annexed Chipotle. Thats  thats alarming.

When eight nitwits walked into Chilis last month, armed to the teeth, or at least to where their teeth would be if they had any&[laughter] [applause] &a concerned mother asked, What are you doing here?

To which one of them said, Representin our Second Amendment rights. We lose em if we dont use em.

Well, no, Cletus, actually&you dont. Theyre Constitutional rights. You cant lose them. Perhaps youre thinking of frequent flyer miles.

And, you know, that  thats the thing about gun culture. Theres not a lot of culture. [laughter] Its&its mostly about the guns. And the problem isnt just that theyre so legal in America. Its that theyre so beloved.

Guns arent just a tool of last resort, theyre AWESOME! Thats why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys arent just firearm enthusiasts, youre ammo-sexuals. [slide of obese man in thong surrounded by weapons and ammo]

And, before you try and deny that you have some sort of unnatural, romantic relationship with your gun, consider this: youre taking it out to dinner. Because it completes you. Get a room.

You know, I love Tiffany lamps, but if I couldnt bear to leave the house without carrying one, they would lock me up.

Its not secret I favor marijuana rights, but I dont go to the Olive Garden and blow bong-hits into peoples faces. Anymore.

Heres a crazy idea: try going out without your gun. I know there may be some separation anxiety, but just think how exciting itll be when you get home and there she is. Oiled up and just wearing a holster.

Now, the silver lining in all this is that these heavily-armed flash-mobs that have been alarming people in restaurants lately have managed to do what thousands of progressive legislators could not: they got guns banned.

Yeah, one by one, all these restaurantsall these restaurants said, no, sorry, you can no longer take a gun into Chipotle or Chilis or Applebees or Wendys, or Jack-in-the-Box. From now on, if you want to die in one of these places, youre going to have to do it the old-fashioned way: by eating their food!

Episode 320

June 6, 2014

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