Episode 320

June 6, 2014

New Rules

New Rules: Don’t tie your newborn baby to the train of your wedding dress.

New Rule: [slide of bride and groom with infant tied into wedding gown train] Don’t tie your newborn baby to the train of your wedding dress. I’m not surprised this happened. I’m just surprised Kanye didn’t think of it first.

New Rule: Cut MSNBC some slack for misreporting the death of “Alice” from the Brady Bunch, with the picture of the wrong actress. I mean, come on, it’s been 40 years since anyone hired a white woman to clean their house.

New Rule: The confusing “clear history” button on web browsers must be renamed to reflect what it actually means: “I’m done whacking off.”

New Rule: Researchers who just did an extensive months-long study to determine that koala bears cling to tree trunks to stay cool, have to admit it may also have something to do with them not wanting to fall out of the tree.

New Rule: [slide of Triscuit box “story”] Someone has to break it to my box of Triscuits that I don’t want to hear your story. I don’t. I don’t care about the time your dog died. I just want to munch on you for a while.

If I wanted to hear a cracker drone on and on about their personal life, I’ll buy a Taylor Swift album.

And finally, New Rule: The only time you should take a gun into a Sonic restaurant is when you’re robbing it. [slides of various people carrying automatic weapons into public restaurants and other stores]

Yes, lately, firearms enthusiasts have been taking their guns out to public places for play-dates with other gun owners and their guns. And, in the process, frightening lots of properly-adjusted people. At places like Sonic and Chili’s and Chipotle and Jack-in-the-Box. Proving once again that America’s gun laws are worthless and sad. And that its dining options aren’t much better.

Now, the other thing that the “open carry” movement is proving is something I’ve believed for a long time: that, no matter how crazy gun culture gets in America, never think it can’t get crazier.

I mean, what possible reason could a person have for bringing a semi-automatic weapon into Home Depot? You’re there to buy a toilet seat. I doubt you will meet armed resistance.

You know, guns are legal. Okay, we get it. It doesn’t mean you have to scare the bejesus out of everybody. Chill out, Josey Wales, this isn’t the Wild West anymore. Clint Eastwood is directing “Jersey Boys” now.

Look at this guy at Chipotle. [slide of overweight man with rifle hanging down between his legs] Now, you might not be able to see him because he’s wearing a camouflage hat. But, trust me, there is a man standing there. [laughter]

And, I’m sure he would say that he’s just exercising his rights. And, by the looks of him, that’s the only thing he’s exercising. [laughter] [applause] But, what does he or any of these “patriots” imagine is going through the minds of sane people when they see this?!

“Oh, my, it looks like Vladimir Putin has annexed Chipotle.” “That’s – that’s alarming.”

When eight nitwits walked into Chili’s last month, armed to the teeth, or at least to where their teeth would be if they had any…[laughter] [applause] …a concerned mother asked, “What are you doing here?”

To which one of them said, “Representin’ our Second Amendment rights. We lose ‘em if we don’t use ‘em.”

Well, no, Cletus, actually…you don’t. They’re Constitutional rights. You can’t lose them. Perhaps you’re thinking of frequent flyer miles.

And, you know, that – that’s the thing about gun culture. There’s not a lot of culture. [laughter] It’s…it’s mostly about the guns. And the problem isn’t just that they’re so legal in America. It’s that they’re so beloved.

Guns aren’t just a tool of last resort, they’re AWESOME! That’s why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren’t just firearm enthusiasts, you’re “ammo-sexuals.” [slide of obese man in thong surrounded by weapons and ammo]

And, before you try and deny that you have some sort of unnatural, romantic relationship with your gun, consider this: you’re taking it out to dinner. Because it completes you. Get a room.

You know, I love Tiffany lamps, but if I couldn’t bear to leave the house without carrying one, they would lock me up.

It’s not secret I favor marijuana rights, but I don’t go to the Olive Garden and blow bong-hits into people’s faces. Anymore.

Here’s a crazy idea: try going out without your gun. I know there may be some separation anxiety, but just think how exciting it’ll be when you get home and there she is. Oiled up and just wearing a holster.

Now, the silver lining in all this is that these heavily-armed flash-mobs that have been alarming people in restaurants lately have managed to do what thousands of progressive legislators could not: they got guns banned.

Yeah, one by one, all these restaurants–all these restaurants said, no, sorry, you can no longer take a gun into Chipotle or Chili’s or Applebee’s or Wendy’s, or Jack-in-the-Box. From now on, if you want to die in one of these places, you’re going to have to do it the old-fashioned way: by eating their food!

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