Episode 319

May 23, 2014

New Rules

New Rule: At some point, GM just has to tell us which cars aren’t recalled.

New Rule: At some point, GM just has to tell us which cars aren’t recalled.

And, if you own a GM car, don’t wait for the next recall, just take it to the dealer now, leave it, and do that action movie thing where you walk away as it explodes.

New Rule: Now that Fifty Shades of Grey has been replaced by the trilogy, He Watches Me, He Touches Me and He Claims Me, the author must now write the sequels—[mock covers shown]—He Borrows Money From Me, He Impregnates Me, and He Leaves Me. It’s…it’s terrible, but…

New Rule: Authorities have to explain why this 63-year-old Michigan man [slide of man shown] arrested on child porn charges hadn’t already been arrested on child porn.

And, L.A. hipsters have to explain why, if they’re so hip, this 63-year-old pervert is dressed exactly like you.

New Rule: The woman who posted this picture of a fishing trophy—[slide of very phallic crystal “trophy”]—on reddit—claiming it looks like a penis, is…well, she’s right. [laughter] She’s right. That looks like a dick. I’m sorry. [laughter]

But, the important thing to remember is, whether a man is showing you his penis or the fish he just caught, your job is the same: to pretend you can’t believe how big it is. [laughter] [applause]

New Rule: Unless you’re a soldier or you live in frontier America in 1873, you have to explain why you’d want to eat dehydrated meat. [slide shown of dried meat snack “Squatch”] Meet “Squatch,” the radical new meat snack that sounds like some sort of disgusting sex act, and tastes like it, too!

Come on, having a taste for gross, old, dried meat, doesn’t make you manly. It makes you this chick. [slide of V. Stiviano with Don Sterling]

And, finally, New Rule: Don’t make me go back to my old title. [slide of original “Politically Incorrect” logo] Anybody here remember the nineties? The nineties, people? Okay. It was a crazy time, and I had a show called “Politically Incorrect,” because—thank you – because, back then, political correctness had gotten so out of hand – I mean, blacks became “African Americans,” Mexicans became “Latinos” and Indians became casino owners.

Broken homes became “dysfunctional families.” Bums became the “homeless.” Crazy people became “Fox News reporters.”

Oh, and it was a tough time for comics. One young comedian even got into big trouble for saying the word, “Chink.”

Now, I bring all this up in 2014, because, unfortunately, political correctness is making a comeback. And now, with the Internet, it’s easier than ever.

In the nineties, you had to at least get off your ass to be in a fake group with hurt feelings. You needed signs. You needed petitions. You had to feed Al Sharpton.

Back then, getting worked up over nothing was a lot of work. Now, it seems like all the Internet exists to do is point at the latest person who said the wrong thing so the rest of us can feel morally superior. And that’s not what the Internet is for. That’s what college is for. [laughter]

Now, social media is all about “gotcha.” A homophobic businessman or a sexist cartoonist, or a college president who fat-shamed his dog by naming it “Waddles.”

Last week, when the first gay football player [slide of Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend] got chosen in the NFL draft, a player named Don Jones tweeted “OMG.” “Horrible.” As is his right, under the “asshole” clause of the Constitution. But, the Dolphins fined him and threw him off the team until he underwent sensitivity training, which is where they calmly sit you down and then pin your eyes open, like in “A Clockwork Orange"–and make you watch the Bravo Network for 24 hours straight!

I mean, 24 hours, gay.

I mean, when you hear the “Duck Dynasty” guy going off on homosexuality, like he did again this week, why even listen? What did you think he was going to say? “The Tonys are nothing without Neil Patrick Harris!”

Folks, we had a televised, celebrated interracial gay kiss during the NFL draft! The culture war is over and we won!

I predict in five years the NFL will be completely gay.

Which is why it was so unnecessary for so many to type “What a jerk Don Jones was.” “Take that freedom riders and abolitionists. I’m the real hero. I’m hitting ‘send’!”

Oh, give this kid a minute to get enlightened. He’s 24. Think how stupid you were when you were 24. Okay, now add football.

A few weeks ago, the CEO of Mozilla was forced to resign because it was revealed that in 2008, he supported Prop. 8, California’s ban on gay marriage. A bad law, yes, but 52% of Californians voted for it. Did they all have to resign?

Obama was against gay marriage in 2008. Does he have to resign? Hillary came around just last year. Can she be president? You can’t purge everybody who doesn’t evolve exactly on the timetable you did.

It reminds me of the immigrant who’s been in America for all of a year, and looks at someone who came over last week like, “Boat people, am I right?”

Or, take the case of the Benham brothers. They had a home rehab show scheduled on HDTV, but it got canned after websites dug up quotes of them saying – get this – that “gays are possessed by demons.” Yes, these two nitwits actually told Glenn Beck that Satan uses gay people to promote a demonic agenda to silence the message of Jesus.

I disagree with that. I do. That opinion is different from mine. On virtually every assertion in that sentence.

But, if you’re a Christian, you may condemn your homophobia, but they got it out of the same dumb book which you also revere. So, there’s a little bit of a mixed message going on. So, maybe it would have worked better to not hound them from their home improvement show, and then just let them try to find an interior decorator who will work with them.

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