Episode 314

April 11, 2014

New Rules

After all, this is Mrs. Bill Clinton. If there’s one thing she’s used to, it’s dodging a pump!

New Rule: Don't feel sad for Mickey Rooney, wherever he is. [slide of Mickey Rooney] Feel sad for us still here with Sheldon Adelson. [slide of Adelson] Look how young this guy's hand is. It's like a baby's hand!

Did he buy that? Everybody in Nevada, quick, check if your baby has hands!

New Rule: The woman in the audience who threw a shoe yesterday at Hillary Clinton has to tell us what she was thinking. After all, this is Mrs. Bill Clinton. If there's one thing she's used to, it's dodging a pump!

New Rule: If the -[slide of Star magazine cover]-if the Star magazine wants to shock me with "Brad and Angie's Bizarre World," they've got to do better than "a house full of junk food and trash." That's everybody's house.

What's your house full of, Star reader? Rare first editions and Impressionist art?

New Rule: Someone has to tell "Always" the makers of "Infinity" menstrual pads, that "always" means "infinity."

It's like if "Eternity" made a perfume called "Forever."

Plus, is having an infinite period a good thing? You know, I'm not a lady, but I've never heard one say, "These cramps are so great, I wish they'd never end!"

New Rule: Let this be what I think it is. [slide of Princess Catherine and Maori tribesman with bare butt-cheeks] And it's Cate saying, "I may have married a prince, but, you, sir, are the king."

And finally, New Rule: Tea Party people have to explain something to me. I know you can't stand the unemployed, those takers who don't work. But, if you're the hard workers, why do you all have so much time to listen to talk radio in the middle of the day?

I mention this because last week brought the news that powerful Republican Congressman Mike Rogers was leaving the House to join an already long list of conservative radio hosts that includes: Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Laura Ingraham, Michael Savage, Monica Crowley, Dennis Prager, Herman Cain...I could go on.

But, who could blame you for thinking, geez, aren't there enough right-wing radio hosts as it is?

No. Never. There are never enough! Why? Because the Tea Party always has room for one more voice in their heads.

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