Episode 311

March 21, 2014

New Rules

Stop making fun of Courtney Love for posting on Facebook that she might have located the Malaysian airlines plane.

New Rule: [slide of Channel 5 Morning News team] The Channel 5 Morning News team – people out here recognize this – the Channel 5 Morning News team that freaked out when a small earthquake hit L.A. this week has to rename itself, “Good Morning, Pussies.”

And stop calling news anchor Chris Schauble the “face of the earthquake” and call him what he really is—[close-up of Schauble in full panic mode]—“the face of shitting-your-pants.”

New Rule: Stop making fun of Courtney Love for posting on Facebook that she might have located the Malaysian airlines plane. [laughter] [slide of online post] Experts say it’s like finding a needle in a haystack, and if anyone can find a needle, it’s Courtney Love.

She once found a tab of acid in a cornfield.

Besides, at least she’s trying to help. I don’t see the guys in Soul Asylum doing jack shit!

New Rule: “Star Wars” fans can’t freak out about the news this week that the next installment will be set 30 years after the original. Got to learn to accept it, people get older. Dashing smuggler Han Solo is now…[current slide of Harrison Ford] …he’s now smuggling generic Lipitor from Canada.

And boyish Luke Skywalker—[current slide of Mark Hamill]—is having trouble keeping his light saber up.

And, loveable robot R2-D2 is tired of living a lie. [slide of mock People magazine cover with headline, “Beep! I’m Gay.”

New Rule: The NCAA basketball tournament has to change its name from “March Madness,” which could be seen as offensive to the mentally ill…[laughter] …to something more accurate, like “White Guys Watching Black Guys Play.” [slide of white players on bench]

New Rule: For just one day, there has to be a God. And when Fred Phelps arrives at the Pearly Gates, HE has to be waiting there for him. [slide of gay cruiser in leather]

And, finally, New Rule: Democrats need to stop despairing about the gloomy midterm predictions and realize there’s actually a glimmer of hope. And it has to do with suicide…let me finish.

For decades now, liberals pushed the issue of assisted suicide, and it got nowhere. Then, they started to call it “Aid in Dying,” and its approval shot up 20 points, and it’s now legal in five states. That’s the power of language. And if they took the word “dying” out altogether and called it “early retirement”…it would probably win over ten more states.

If they called it “Death by Chocolate,” they could get all 50.

Now…now, that’s success. And the success the Democrats had in rebranding gay marriage as “marriage equality” means they have finally caught on to what Republicans learned a long time ago from their guru on words, deranged madman/slash/friend of the show…Frank Luntz. [slide of Luntz]

Frank is the genius right-wing wordsmith who taught Republicans to, instead of saying “estate tax,” say “death tax.” Instead of saying “poor people,” say “the takers.”

Instead of saying “ridiculous toupee,” say “healthy head of natural, human hair.”

And what Democrats need to do is start out-Luntz-ing the Republicans on all the issues. What’s the difference between drilling for oil and “energy exploration”? Nothing, except one sounds like something assholes od, and one sounds like “Indiana Jones.”

“Healthcare reform”? Everyone likes that. “Government takeover of healthcare”? What are you, Hitler?

What’s the difference between “creationism” and “intelligence design”? Not IQ points.

Being a Republican means starting with a bedrock principle like “rich people shouldn’t pay taxes,” or “black people shouldn’t vote.” And then figuring out how to sell it to low-information voters, otherwise known as Americans.

Did I say, “Don’t tax rich people”? I meant, “Encourage the job creators.”

Did I say, “Don’t let black people vote”? I meant, “Clamp down on voter fraud.”

Did I say, “Bring back slavery”? I meant, “Phase out race-based freedom quotas.”

Republicans are always confident they can move the needle on any issue because, a) they know they have the right words to make the hamster hit the pedal. And, b) they have the discipline with those words. Perhaps you noticed how everyone on the right universally decided at the exact same moment that Obama’s “weakness” is what “emboldened” Putin to take Crimea.

And that’s not a matter of great minds thinking alike, because, for that, you would need great minds.

No, that’s because once the word is decided on, every single Republican from the presidential contenders on down to the feces-throwers on hate-radio…[laughter] …all chant it like “Rain Man” over and over until it’s beaten into our skulls.

Now, I have no hope the Democrats will ever get that organized. But, they could at least keep up the winning streak in the word game.

Starting with liberals must stop saying they “believe” in climate change, or “believe” in evolution. Evolution IS. It’s not a matter of believing in it. I don’t…I don’t believe that water boils at 212 degrees. That’s how hot it is when it happens. It’s not ideology. It’s soup!

But, most of all, just remember, you win the word game, you win the issue.

Jesus was for feeding the poor. Rename “food stamps,” “Christ coupons.”

Marijuana legalization should be called “creating green jobs.”

Abortion is “a natal do-over”…[laughter] …and “illegal aliens” are “refried Americans.”

And solar energy has always sounded way too gay for rednecks. [laughter] Instead, say, “Invade the sun and take its oil.”

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