Episode 310

March 14, 2014

New Rules

Stop over-regulating the porn industry. The Canadian government is seriously enforcing the law that says at least 35% of porn shown in Canada must be Canadian-made! Because, what’s sexier than a girl saying, “I’m comin’, eh?"

New Rule: Stop over-regulating the porn industry. The Canadian government is seriously enforcing the law that says at least 35% of porn shown in Canada must be Canadian-made! Because, what’s sexier than a girl saying, “I’m comin’, eh?”

And, you know, it’s hard to make Canadian porn. Every time they try to pull each other’s shirts off, a hockey fight breaks out.

New Rule: [slide of high-stepping Chad soldiers] As long as the U.S. is helping to train the Army in Chad, let’s start by toning down the choreography. Unless you’re a Rockette, this…this high-leg kicking business never ends well. A black man who can kick that high shouldn’t be on maneuvers in Africa. He should be on tour with Britney.

New Rule: [slide of many brightly-colored fields] Whatever country this photo was taken in has to let me do acid there. I’m not even sure this is a country. I think it might be gay heaven.

New Rule: George Zimmerman is welcome to make personal appearances at as many gun shows as he would like. As long as they put up the posters in black neighborhoods and it says, “Bring Your Gun and Meet George Zimmerman.”

New Rule: Someone has to break it to users of “Lick This,” the new iPhone app that teaches you to be better at cunnilingus by licking your phone that they will never, ever be with an actual woman.

It’s hard to say which is more humiliating, getting caught with your tongue on that grimy phone screen, or when you finish and Siri says:

SIRI VOICE: Why did you stop? I was almost there…I was almost there.

MAHER: And finally, New Rule: No one can blame me when I say this is a stupid country, when 60% of the adults in it think the Noah’s Ark story is literally true. Which is why I’m already sick of seeing the ads for this floating piece of giraffe crap. [poster for “Noah”]

Although, the movie has been condemned by both Christians and Muslims, so it must be doing something right.

And, they say it also may lose a fortune for the studio, which would put it in hot water with the Jews, too.

Now, I don’t know about the elephants on Noah’s Ark, but the elephant in the room in 2014 is that we are now a full four centuries removed from the scientific revolution. Four centuries after Copernicus, after the time humans realized that, through science, we could actually get a real answer to almost every question about our world, like, “Where does the sun go at night?” [laughter] And, “Why does disease spread so quickly on a cruise ship?”

And, speaking of cruise ships, you know, I don’t mind that the Noah story is impossibly childish. Okay, I do mind. What am I saying? I mind very much. I mean, seriously, people, you believe a man – Noah – lived to be 900 years old – that’s what the Bible says. And when he was 500, he decided to have three kids, just like Clint Eastwood…

And when he was 600, he and his three 100-year-old sons built a boat onto which, in one day, they loaded over 3 million animals, all of which were apparently indigenous to within five miles of the boat.

But, get this: what the Christians who are now protesting this movie are upset about is that it doesn’t take the biblical story literally enough. They’re mad because this made-up story doesn’t stay true to their made-up story!

But, the thing that’s really disturbing about “Noah” isn’t the silly. It’s that it’s immoral. It’s about a psychotic mass murderer who gets away with it. And his name is “God.”

Genesis says God was so angry with himself for screwing up when he made mankind so flawed – r-r-r-r – that he sent the flood to kill everyone. Everyone! Men, women, children, babies! What kind of tyrant punishes everyone just to get back at the few he’s mad at? I mean, besides Chris Christie.

Hey, God, you know you’re kind of dick when you’re in a movie with Russell Crowe and you’re the one with anger issues.

You know, conservatives are always going on about how Americans are losing their values and their morality. Well, maybe it’s because you worship a guy who drowns babies!

And then, God’s genius plan after he kills everyone is to repopulate the world with a new crop of the same assholes who pissed him off the first time. [laughter] With predictable results. He kills millions more. If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.

Why are we getting our morals out of this book? Why do people follow any of it? You know, I’m reminded, as we’ve just started Lent that conservatives are always complaining about too much restraining regulation and how they love freedom. But, they’re the religious ones who voluntarily invent restrictions for themselves.

On a hot summer day, Orthodox Jews wear black wool. On a cold winter night, Mormons can’t drink a hot chocolate. Isn’t life hard enough without making shit up out of thin air to fuck with yourself?

Don’t we have enough rules to follow, and enough asses we have to kiss in reality: your boss, your spouse, the tax man, your parole officer, your horny cellmate… …without fabricating made-up new ones?

Jews can’t eat ham. Jehovah’s Witnesses can’t buy Girl Scout cookies. The Amish can’t drive cars. Catholics can’t masturbate. Scientologists can’t go to therapy. Baptists can’t dance. Sikhs can’t shave. And, lord knows, Muslims can’t take a joke.

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