Episode 306

February 7, 2014

New Rules

In the battle for government giveaways, we have to stop thinking in terms of rich vs. poor or black vs. white and admit it’s really a war between the young and the old. And the old are winning.

New Rule: Since the business of Netflix is showing movies, they have to explain why they make it deliberately impossible to find a movie. [laughter] It’s like having a used-car lot, and when people ask where the cars are, you say, “Ha-ha, fuck you, we’ve scattered them all over town.”

New Rule: [slide of group being photo-bombed] Photo-bombing is officially over. Oh, it was fun for a while, but now I think I speak for all Americans when I say, “Get the hell out of my picture, Ass-Face.”

New Rule: [slide of bumper with sticker] Honor roll? Sure. But, you can’t put a bumper sticker on your car just because your kid showed up for school. [laughter] [applause] Talk about lowering the bar. What’s next? One that says—[mocks bumper stickers are shown]—“My child never got lice at Burbank Elementary.”

“My Child Ate All of his Tater-Tots at Wellington Middle School.”

“My Child Never Brought My Gun to School and Shot His Classmates at Bellmont High.”

New Rule: [slide of “Harley” coffin] Now that Ohio’s Billy Stanley got his dying wish to be buried aboard his beloved Harley…let’s never do that again. Otherwise, it’s just a matter of time before a woman demands to be buried straddling the machine she loved. [slide of washing machine] [mixed reaction from audience] So sensitive.

New Rule: Before launching into your story about how your dog is a designer mixed breed like a Labradoodle or a cockapoo, just be aware, I don’t give a shuck.

New Rule: Now that shocked Froot Loop lovers have learned that all Froot Loops, no matter what color, are the same flavorm someone must explain gently to them that Froot Loops don’t contain any fruit either. And that the word “fruit” isn’t spelled with two “o’s.” Ah, hell, let’s call Froot Loops what they really are: “gay Cheerios.”

And finally, New Rule: In the battle for government giveaways, we have to stop thinking in terms of rich vs. poor or black vs. white and admit it’s really a war between the young and the old. And the old are winning.

When it comes to meeting the needs of our seniors, money is no object. Last month, for example, an inspector general's report revealed that between 2006 and ’11, Medicare spent over $172 million of taxpayer money on penis pumps.

Because nobody wants to get all worked up only to go limp when the moment arrives.

Just ask the Denver Broncos.

You know, in America, we talk a lot about “entitlements” and who are the takers, and who are the makers. And, here's the bottom line from—[Slide: Harper’s magazine cover]—the current issue of Harper’s: Federal yearly spending per child: $3,822. Federal yearly spending per senior: $25,455.

Seniors keep asking, “What kind of world are we leaving for our grandkids?” Well, one where Head Start, nutrition assistance and child welfare are all being cut. These days, when Grandpa finds a quarter behind your ear, he keeps it.

Meanwhile, 5% of our entire budget is spent on people in just their last year of life; one-third of that on just the last month. Which I’m okay with. Look, dying is hard, and I want to do it on drugs. The best drugs you got; drugs so good they will make me think I've wasted my whole life doing the drugs I'm on now.

But, let's not kid ourselves where our tax dollar goes. It goes go grandma, because she votes, and young people don't. And that's why when seniors say, “Jump,” Uncle Sam says, “How about a free penis pump?”

Now, you may be asking, what exactly is a penis pump? And the answer is, it's basically a vacuum device; which begs the question, why not just use the vacuum cleaner?

Well, because then you can't hear “The Price Is Right.”

Okay, I make that joke because there is something you have to know about this issue: respectable news sources report that there is a phenomenon occurring where people in nursing homes are now fucking like rabbits on an adjustable bed.

And we know this because the Centers for Disease Control reports that syphilis and chlamydia in seniors has nearly tripled over the past decade. Apparently 70 is the new…apparently, 70 is the new ’69.’

And the old-folks’ home is the new freshman dorm. These days, when Grandma yells, “Bingo,” it’s because an old vet just found her G-spot.

It’s true. The face of American sex used to be a young, virile, sexual athlete like Bruce Jenner, and now it’s an old women like Bruce Jenner!

And you know what? I say, great. No country in the world disrespects the elderly more than this one. The least we can do is let them go out with a bang.

As long as they don’t mix up the Astroglide with the Poligripm I’m for it! But, what’s with all the STDs? College-age Americans use condoms 40% of the time. People over 61, only 6% of the time!

And they also say spermicide is “too spicy.”

But, here’s what I don’t understand: why, if seniors are having all this government-subsidized fun, why are they the angriest people, politically? And they are: 76% of seniors say they’re – quote – “dissatisfied with the way things are going in the country today.”

Why? You’re getting all the money and half the pussy!

But, polls – polls repeatedly show that seniors are the most opposed to Obamacare, because Obamacare is government paying for healthcare. We can’t have any of that in America.

Of course, one reason seniors can afford to be so cavalier about all this VD they’re getting is because they know the government will pay for curing it. Just like the government paid for the boner pills and the penis pumps in the first place!

So, stop your bellyaching, because you’re lucky enough to live in a country that’ll keep you hard until you’re stiff.

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