You know, in America, we talk a lot about “entitlements” and who are the takers, and who are the makers. And, here's the bottom line from—[Slide: Harper’s magazine cover]—the current issue of Harper’s: Federal yearly spending per child: $3,822. Federal yearly spending per senior: $25,455.
Seniors keep asking, “What kind of world are we leaving for our grandkids?” Well, one where Head Start, nutrition assistance and child welfare are all being cut. These days, when Grandpa finds a quarter behind your ear, he keeps it.
Meanwhile, 5% of our entire budget is spent on people in just their last year of life; one-third of that on just the last month. Which I’m okay with. Look, dying is hard, and I want to do it on drugs. The best drugs you got; drugs so good they will make me think I've wasted my whole life doing the drugs I'm on now.
But, let's not kid ourselves where our tax dollar goes. It goes go grandma, because she votes, and young people don't. And that's why when seniors say, “Jump,” Uncle Sam says, “How about a free penis pump?”
Now, you may be asking, what exactly is a penis pump? And the answer is, it's basically a vacuum device; which begs the question, why not just use the vacuum cleaner?
Well, because then you can't hear “The Price Is Right.”
Okay, I make that joke because there is something you have to know about this issue: respectable news sources report that there is a phenomenon occurring where people in nursing homes are now fucking like rabbits on an adjustable bed.
And we know this because the Centers for Disease Control reports that syphilis and chlamydia in seniors has nearly tripled over the past decade. Apparently 70 is the new…apparently, 70 is the new ’69.’
And the old-folks’ home is the new freshman dorm. These days, when Grandma yells, “Bingo,” it’s because an old vet just found her G-spot.
It’s true. The face of American sex used to be a young, virile, sexual athlete like Bruce Jenner, and now it’s an old women like Bruce Jenner!
And you know what? I say, great. No country in the world disrespects the elderly more than this one. The least we can do is let them go out with a bang.
As long as they don’t mix up the Astroglide with the Poligripm I’m for it! But, what’s with all the STDs? College-age Americans use condoms 40% of the time. People over 61, only 6% of the time!
And they also say spermicide is “too spicy.”
But, here’s what I don’t understand: why, if seniors are having all this government-subsidized fun, why are they the angriest people, politically? And they are: 76% of seniors say they’re – quote – “dissatisfied with the way things are going in the country today.”
Why? You’re getting all the money and half the pussy!
But, polls – polls repeatedly show that seniors are the most opposed to Obamacare, because Obamacare is government paying for healthcare. We can’t have any of that in America.
Of course, one reason seniors can afford to be so cavalier about all this VD they’re getting is because they know the government will pay for curing it. Just like the government paid for the boner pills and the penis pumps in the first place!
So, stop your bellyaching, because you’re lucky enough to live in a country that’ll keep you hard until you’re stiff.