Episode 302

November 22, 2013

New Rules

Okay, New Rule: The Walmart smiley-face has to admit he’s not laughing with us, he’s laughing at us. Four of the ten richest people in America are heirs to the Walmart fortune, and their workers’ pay is so shitty, one Ohio store is having a food drive for its own employees.

I’m not saying every Porsche salesman should drive a Porsche. But, if you sell people food and your own employees don’t have enough, at least change your slogan from “Always Low Prices,” to “12 Years a Slave.”

New Rule: President Obama has to admit that he picked the President Medal of Freedom winners just to piss off Republicans. “Hey, you won’t shut up about Obamacare and Benghazi? [slide of Obama with former President Clinton] Fine, here’s a medal for ‘President Blowjob.’” [slide of Tam O’Shaugnessy, partner of late astronaut Sally Ride] Here’s one for a lesbian, [slide of Gloria Steinem] For a “femi-nazi.” [slide of Mario Molina] For a global warming scientist.

[slide of Oprah] Oh, and, yes, Oprah.

“So, keep it up and I’ll name an airport after Jeremiah Wright.” [faux slide of Wright airport]

And in a related New Rule: President Obama must admit that right when this picture was taken [slides of Obama putting award around President Clinton’s neck] he did think about strangling Bill Clinton.

Yes, Bill can be taken in doses, but…lately with the unhelpful healthcare comments – come on, you thought about it. It would be so easy. You could make it look like an accident. [laughter] And, there would definitely be people who would thank you. [grotesque slide of Hillary Clinton]

New Rule
: The makers of the sex toy, the “Accommodator,” [slide of sex toy featuring chin strap dildo] the dildo that straps to your chin, have to explain how it’s possible to make a woman climax when she’s laughing at you. This isn’t sexy. It’s a punishment at a fraternity.

I know women are a mystery, but I’m pretty sure none of their fantasies involves getting eating by a prop comic. I’m pretty sure…

New Rule: George Zimmerman has to name at least one dispute that can’t be resolved by “I point my gun at you.” Suspicious teen? “I point my gun at you.” Angry wife? “I point my gun at you.” Fight with my girlfriend? “I point my gun at you.”

And his poor girlfriend, getting a gun pointed at her so soon after he pointed one at his ex-wife. That is the sad reality of dating a divorcee. You never know if you’re really special.

Kennedy’s time was the time of “Ask not what your country can do for you.” Reagan’s was the time of “Greed is good.”

And, finally, New Rule: On this solemn anniversary, Republicans must be given some credit today for not saying out loud what they’re really thinking...[slide of JFK] That he wasn’t all that great.

Now, I disagree. But, in the interest of reaching across the aisle, let me admit, I get that. I do. You just don’t get a lump in your throat for John F. Kennedy. You get a lump in your throat for Ronald Reagan. He’s the Republicans’ Kennedy, the one they have unconditional love for.

Just last week, Sarah Palin said, “There is no Ronald Reagan on the scene today. If he was, that’s who I would put my faith in.” That’s quite a hold on someone. After all, when Reagan was elected, Sarah Palin was barely 16, probably pregnant, but still in third grade.

Now, I don’t know if all politics is local, but I do think all politics is tribal. And just as some people are dog people and others are cat people, some have a chip in their brain to be Democrats, and others to be Republicans. We have Kennedy, you have Reagan.

We have marijuana, you have Metamucil.

We want gays in the military, you want them in the airport restroom. Sorry.

No, I – I get this. Because, you know what? In my house, you could never say a bad word about the Kennedys. My father was Irish American like Kennedy, same age, fought in the same war. I think I got my love of politics at that formative age because my parents loved him so much.

As did, and do, millions of Americans for whom this day will always suck and never be forgotten. Historians will argue forever about whether Kennedy and Reagan were good presidents, and never settle it.

But, can we, on this day, at least agree that Kennedy was cooler? [laughter] [slide of Kennedy] [applause] [cheers] I mean, sorry, but our liberal icon was a smart, sexy war hero who said he wanted to go to the moon. [slide of Reagan] Yours was an old fuddy-duddy who tried to rock denim. [laughter]

[slides as mentioned] Our guy was Don Draper. Yours was “Rooster Cogburn.” [laughter]

And don’t tell me Reagan had Hollywood glamour. He wasn’t a star. And in 1980, he was 30 years past his prime, which was never much. It would be like in 2016, if the Republicans nominated Judd Nelson. [laughter] [applause]

I mean, Kennedy hung out with the Rat Pack in its prime, before Frank got cranky. [laughter] Before Sammy hugged Nixon and Dino started wearing old-Jewish-guy glasses. [laughter]

[slide as described] Here’s Reagan’s idea of a “Rat Pack”: Kirk Cameron, Phyllis Diller, Lucy and “Webster.” [laughter] [applause]

You know, when they named an airport after JFK, flying was sexy and fun. You dressed up, drank a martini, and flight attendants performed oral sex in first class. [laughter]

When they named an airport after Reagan, it was purgatory with a food court. [laughter]

Everything JFK wore is still cool today. Look at him. He looks like a J. Crew model. When he was president, everyone looked like Rob and Laura Petrie.

When Reagan was president, everyone looked like this. [slide of New Wave girl with wild, giant ‘80s hair]

Was there ever a more garish decade than the eighties? Neon clothing, big hair, spandex, blazers with shoulder pads for men? A jacket that anyone could buy for 25 bucks called “Members Only.”

The eighties were so ugly, even beautiful people looked ridiculous. [slides of Brad Pitt then and now]

Everybody looked awful. Look at me in the 1980s. [slide of Maher in 1980s] Honestly, I tried to find a good picture from then. It doesn’t exist!

But, wait. Look how debonair I looked in the sixties. [slide of very young Maher standing with sister, as described] Huh? Now, as you can see, I was in the NRA back then. As I am wearing a gun with a suit. [laughter] But, hey, it was an important day, because, apparently, I was marrying my sister.

But…but, one reason we looked uglier in the eighties…is because we were uglier. It was when the baby boomers, the generation that was supposed to be different, just gave up and sold out completely.

Kennedy’s time was the time of “Ask not what your country can do for you.” Reagan’s was the time of “Greed is good.”

JFK was far from perfect. But, he was a true wit, and a sex machine. And he knew how to wear a pair of shades.

Reagan was an amiable square in a cowboy hat who had sex with a woman he called “Mommy.”

Kennedy was James Bond. Reagan was Matlock.

Love him or hate him, we win. Republicans call Reagan their Kennedy all they want, but it’s like calling Miller High Life the “champagne of beers.”

It’s why calling someone your Kennedy will never really cut it, because our Kennedy…is Kennedy.

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