Episode 300

November 8, 2013

New Rules

New Rule: Now that we know Mitt Romney’s new house has a secret room hidden behind a bookshelf, even Republicans have to admit we kind of dodged a bullet with old Mitt.

Only three kinds of people have secret rooms hidden behind bookshelves: superheroes, serial killers, and the enemies of Nancy Drew. [laughter] [applause]

What does a Mormon do that’s worth hiding in a secret room? Does he sneak back there and think?

New Rule: Major drugstore chains must divide their inventory into two separate stores. The health and beauty section in one area, and the pharmacy in another. Let’s not make the healthy people come in contact with the sick people. [laughter] Because there is nothing worse than going into CVS for shampoo and moisturizer and coming out with shingles and tuberculosis. [laughter] That’s terrible.

New Rule: Instead of the NHL trying to stop players from beating the crap out of each other, they should just change the name of the sport to “Ice Boxing.”

And then they must once and for all give up their desperate attempts to recruit a black player.

Instead of the NHL trying to stop players from beating the crap out of each other, they should just change the name of the sport to “Ice Boxing.”

New Rule: I don’t need to hear any more about this Oprah Winfrey scandal where her 79-year-old father is going through this messy divorce, and the reports that he maintained an affair with a prostitute named “One Tooth”—well, actually, you could tell me more about “One Tooth.”

Because, I feel like if you were in the market for a prostitute, having one tooth would not be a selling point. You’d either want all teeth or no teeth. It’s kind of like those new ten-calorie sodas. Why not no calories?

[He produces a can of Seven-Up Ten] That’s why I saw, “Try Seven-Up Ten, the cool, crisp soft-drink equivalent of oral sex from a toothless prostitute.” “But not quite.” [he takes a drink]

New Rule: If you’re going to tout that your new recipe Hot Pockets uses “premium cuts of meat and are now made with real cheese,” you have to tell us what the hell were you putting in them before?

How about we stop pretending you’re some sort of natural food product and just put this on your box: “Hot Pockets: The official food of people too high to care.”

And, finally, New Rule: It’s okay if you don’t want to feed the hungry or heal the sick or house the homeless. Just don’t say you’re doing it for their own good. Don’t say you’d like to help people but your hands are tied, because if you did, it would cause a culture of dependency or go against the Bible, or, worst of all, rob them of their freedom…to be sick and hungry.

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