New Rule: [slide of Bruce and Kris Jenner now] Someone must tell Bruce and Kris Jenner, who have separated after 22 years of marriage, that if they wanted to see other people, they could have just looked in a mirror. [slide of Bruce and Kris years earlier]
New Rule: The Kansas Tourism's Board slogan cannot be "There's No Place Like Kansas." Clearly, there is. It's called Nebraska.
New Rule: Bill O'Reilly has to tell us why he's always thinking about murder. [slide of O'Reilly books: Killing Jesus, Killing Kennedy, Killing Lincoln] Since Obama was elected, Bill has written three books about killing major historical figures. And, Bill, I agree, how tragic that Kennedy, Lincoln and Jesus, these heroic, liberal, social reformers, had to die after being vilified by panicky, backwards-looking conservative blowhards.
Wow, you truly have done a great service pointing this out. And I look forward to your new children's book, Killing the Cat in the Hat. [slide]
New Rule: The Federal Aviation Administration must step in before Republic Airways sells Frontier Airlines to the guy who owns Spirit Airlines. One, it will hurt consumers. And, two, none of these airlines exist. They just leave those planes on the runway, so you feel better about being on Delta.
However, the FAA should let Virgin Airlines merge with JetBlue and form "Blue Balls." [slide of "Blue Balls" plane]
New Rule: Melissa Locker, who reported in Time magazine that a beaver's a** smells just like vanilla, has to tell us how she knows that.
Ms. Locker reports that the natural flavor in some vanilla-flavored food products is actually castoreum, a secretion that comes from a beaver's anal glands. So, the next time you're enjoying a vanilla cone...keep this in mind: At least when you lick a beaver's a**, it doesn't drip all over your hand.
Wait, how do I know that?!