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New Rules

New Rule: If you end your tweet with the words "Just sayin'," then you've just tweeted something incredibly sh*tty.  

No one ever tweets, "Had a nice lunch with my sister. Just sayin'." It's always, "Mexicans are what's wrong with this country. Just sayin'." How about this? You drop the "just sayin'" and we'll go ahead and assume that's what you were just saying based on the fact that you just said it. 

New Rule: [slide of Massachusetts man's badly-injured face] You can ask me to look at this mug shot of a Massachusetts man who's accused of trying to assault a woman before she beat him senseless with a frying pan.  But you can't ask me to do it without laughing.  Just sayin'. 

New Rule: Before seeing the new Tom Hanks movie, 'Captain Phillips,' liberals in the audience must be warned that, yes, the bad guys in the movie are black. And we apologize. We tried casting Jude Law and Alexander Skarsgård as Somali pirates. So you wouldn't think we were saying all black people are pirates. 

But it turns out it's based on a true story, so let us make it up to you now by offering free downloads of 'Webster,' 'Diff'rent Strokes' and 'Homeboys in Outer Space.' 

New Rule: Now that President Rouhani of Iran has asked about resuming direct flights between Iran and the U.S., which haven't flown since 1979, he has to forgive me if I don't go on them.  Thanks, man, but I saw 'Argo.' And if I want to surround myself with Persian people, I'll do it the safer way: I'll go to the Beverly Center. It's a local joke.

New Rule: It's okay to propose marriage at the ballpark. After all, what better way to say, "You're the most important thing in my life. But not so important that I'd miss the game." Just make sure your photographer isn't blocking the view of other fans. [pull out on slide to reveal another fan flipping the finger at the camera]

And finally, New Rule: [slides of obese people in shorts, underwear, skimpy outfits in public] It's one thing to be a country that refuses to pay its bills, it's another thing to dress like one.

Just because you haven't seen your genitals in 20 years doesn't mean we want to see them. When did America's new business casual become a pair of sandals and a sock on your d*ck? 

Maybe no one's bothered to bring this to your attention, people of America, so let me say it plainly here and now: When you leave your house, we can see you!

Now, folks, I am not saying that dressing better is going to fix all that ails us, or patch up the economy. But I do think we have to try and recapture a sense of pride and common purpose. And the first step is to stop going to Target in pajama bottoms. I'm not asking us to cure cancer or wipe out child poverty, just wear pants!  Ones that have belt loops! Call me a dreamer, but I think we can pull this one off. Or up!

It's like what Kennedy said about going to the moon: We do it not because it's easy! We do it because we don't want people to see our a** crack! 

You know, back in the 1990s, New York City tested an idea called The Broken Windows Theory. Which said in a nut sack'... that if you fix the little things that make people feel like they're living in a dumpy neighborhood, the big things will follow. If you fix the broken windows and paint over the graffiti and pick up the trash, a psychological barrier is broken.

New York basically said, we're going to look good until we feel good. And it worked. Crime plummeted.

And before you say, "But, Bill, this is about poverty, not fashion," no, no it's not! If you can afford pajama pants, you can afford pants!  

They are sewn in the same Bangladesh fire trap, out of the same human hair, by the same children. [slides] Here are jeans for 10 bucks. And here's Target's $17 lounge pants collection, which as you can see, come in a choice of the Bud Lite logo, the 'Duck Dynasty' logo... and the ESPN logo, the holy trinity of slob wear. 

No, this isn't about money, it's about pride. In the 1950s, a man put on a suit, a tie and a hat just to masturbate. 

And if a man wore a wife beater, it was because he was actually planning to beat his wife. 

[slide of the Elephant Man] My God, even the Elephant Man wore a suit! Did it make him look hot? No, but he tried, he made an effort! 

These days people wear shorts and flip-flops to church. I'm not even a Christian and that offends me. 

You know, there's a website called "People of Walmart," [slides shown from "People of Walmart"]... and just looking at it for five minutes, two thoughts came to mind. One, will I ever get an erection again? And, two, what are other countries saying? I bet they're starting to whisper, "Have you noticed how America has let itself go?" "They used to always look so nice, and now, eh, it's just sad."

So, I'm just saying to my fellow citizens, don't be a broken window. It can't just be a coincidence that when America had the respect of the entire world, the public sphere looked like this. [slide of 1950s photo of men and women dressed in suits] And now it looks like this... [slide of two shoppers at Walmart, one of them has her butt crack showing over her pants]. 

We've gone from the shining city on the hill to the skid marks in aisle three. It's not a look that says we're all in this together. It's a look that says, "We could all fit in these pants, but I'm wearing them all by myself." "Because today is my wedding day."

These days people wear shorts and flip-flops to church. I'm not even a Christian and that offends me.

Episode 296

October 4, 2013