New Rule: If you end your tweet with the words "Just sayin'," then you've just tweeted something incredibly sh*tty.
No one ever tweets, "Had a nice lunch with my sister. Just sayin'." It's always, "Mexicans are what's wrong with this country. Just sayin'." How about this? You drop the "just sayin'" and we'll go ahead and assume that's what you were just saying based on the fact that you just said it.
New Rule: [slide of Massachusetts man's badly-injured face] You can ask me to look at this mug shot of a Massachusetts man who's accused of trying to assault a woman before she beat him senseless with a frying pan. But you can't ask me to do it without laughing. Just sayin'.
New Rule: Before seeing the new Tom Hanks movie, 'Captain Phillips,' liberals in the audience must be warned that, yes, the bad guys in the movie are black. And we apologize. We tried casting Jude Law and Alexander Skarsgård as Somali pirates. So you wouldn't think we were saying all black people are pirates.
But it turns out it's based on a true story, so let us make it up to you now by offering free downloads of 'Webster,' 'Diff'rent Strokes' and 'Homeboys in Outer Space.'
New Rule: Now that President Rouhani of Iran has asked about resuming direct flights between Iran and the U.S., which haven't flown since 1979, he has to forgive me if I don't go on them. Thanks, man, but I saw 'Argo.' And if I want to surround myself with Persian people, I'll do it the safer way: I'll go to the Beverly Center. It's a local joke.
New Rule: It's okay to propose marriage at the ballpark. After all, what better way to say, "You're the most important thing in my life. But not so important that I'd miss the game." Just make sure your photographer isn't blocking the view of other fans. [pull out on slide to reveal another fan flipping the finger at the camera]