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New Rules

New Rule: Stop asking how Ted Cruz managed to speak on the Senate floor for 21 hours without taking a bathroom break. It's obvious. Who needs a bathroom when you've got that much crap coming out of your mouth.

New Rule: If turkey gravy is made out of turkey, and beef gravy is made out of beef, please never tell me what's in gravy made from "Country." [slide of "Country Gravy"]  I'm already not eating it, and I'm already assuming it came out of Hank Williams, Jr. 

New Rule: Women have to explain why their phone is always "about to die."  Why? It's an iPhone, not Dick Cheney.  They're wounded.

New Rule: Whatever this is supposed to be...[slide of vase filled with sticks]...stop doing it.  Whatever interior designer first thought: "You know what this room needs? A bunch of sticks stuck in a bucket" -- really needs to have one of them placed up his a**. 

This doesn't make people think you're hip. It looks like you're having ninjas over for lunch. 

New Rule: Since binge-watching is in, and filibusters are in, John Boehner must make a series for Netflix in which he replaces Obama. And, of course, it's called "Orange is the New Black."

And, finally, New Rule: Conservatives who love to brag about American exceptionalism must come here to California and see it in person. And then they should be afraid. Because, while right-wingers are taking over places like North Carolina and Texas, and even Wisconsin, California is creating the kind of modern, liberal nation the country as a whole can only dream about.

And, not only can't the rest of the country stop us, we're going to drag you with us.

Now, it wasn't that long ago that pundits were calling California a failed state, and saying it was ungovernable. But, in 2010, when other states were busy electing whatever Tea Partier claimed to hate government the most, we elected a guy who actually liked it: Jerry Brown. And, without a Republican governor, and without a legislature c*ck-blocked by Republicans -- a $27 billion deficit was turned into a surplus.

How? Well, it's amazing, really. We did something economists call "cutting spending and raising taxes." I know it sounds like sounds like crazy science fiction. But, you see, here in California, we're not just gluten-free and soy-free and peanut-free.  We're Tea Party free.

Yes, we can live in reality. I mean, Texas could do it, too. But, they love freedom too much. Like, when that unregulated fertilizer plant blew up.

In California, when things blow up, it's because we're making a Jason Statham movie. 

No, California is not perfect, but it is in our nature to try new things. For example, now that it's clear Obamacare is going to be a success here, the movement to just go all the way to single-payer is gathering steam.

In lots of areas, California has decided not to wait around for the "caboose" part of America -- to get on board. Yokels can mock European-style democracies all they want. We're building one here.

Gay marriage, pot smoking, regulating carbon. And, people like it. The same way when Americans come back from a vacation in Europe, they all say the same thing: "I saw titties on the beach!" 

But...they also remark on the modern airports and train stations over there, and the absence of beggars in the street, and food that tastes like FOOD!

And they wonder, why can't we get that here? Well, you will be getting that here, courtesy of the Golden State. Why? Because we're HUGE! We're HUGE!! 

Forty million of us! When we demand something, the market must supply it. Like, when California set a high mileage standard for cars sold in this state, Detroit had to make more efficient cars.

California, by itself, is the eighth largest economy in the world, the fifth largest agricultural exporter. And, of course, number one in laser vaginal rejuvenation.  Oh, I pat myself on the back. 

You know, it's so ironic. The two things conservatives love the most -- the free market and states' rights -- are the two things that are going to bend this country into California's image as a "socialist f*g-topia."

Maybe our constipated Congress in Washington can't pass gun control laws, but we just did. Because we don't give a sh*t about the NRA. Out here, that stands for "Nuts, Racists and A**holes!"

And, while other state governments are working with Jesus to make abortion more miserable -- because otherwise women would just use it for weight loss...California is making it easier.

And, while immigrants are demonized in Washington and elsewhere, in California, we just okayed driver's licenses for undocumented aliens. That's right. We're letting them drive cars...JUST LIKE WHITE PEOPLE! 

Because we can't be worrying about all the nonsense that keeps Fox News viewers up at night...when they should be in bed adjusting their sleep-apnea masks. 

So, in conclusion, my message to the rest of America is just this: Do not resist!! Kneel before Zod!! California has been setting the trend in America for decades, and it's not going to stop now.

We say, "Jump!" You say, "Please, sell me new exercise clothes for jumping!" 

We said, "Put cilantro in food," and damn it, you did! You put cilantro in food, even though neither one of us knows what it is! 

And, almond milk?! Come on.  We just had some extra almonds and thought we'd f*ck with you.

Women have to explain why their phone is always "about to die." Why? It's an iPhone, not Dick Cheney.

Episode 295

September 27, 2013