New Rule: Stop asking how Ted Cruz managed to speak on the Senate floor for 21 hours without taking a bathroom break. It's obvious. Who needs a bathroom when you've got that much crap coming out of your mouth.
New Rule: If turkey gravy is made out of turkey, and beef gravy is made out of beef, please never tell me what's in gravy made from "Country." [slide of "Country Gravy"] I'm already not eating it, and I'm already assuming it came out of Hank Williams, Jr.
New Rule: Women have to explain why their phone is always "about to die." Why? It's an iPhone, not Dick Cheney. They're wounded.
New Rule: Whatever this is supposed to be...[slide of vase filled with sticks]...stop doing it. Whatever interior designer first thought: "You know what this room needs? A bunch of sticks stuck in a bucket" -- really needs to have one of them placed up his a**.
This doesn't make people think you're hip. It looks like you're having ninjas over for lunch.
New Rule: Since binge-watching is in, and filibusters are in, John Boehner must make a series for Netflix in which he replaces Obama. And, of course, it's called "Orange is the New Black."