New Rule: [slide of blob fish] The British biologist who declared the blob fish the world's ugliest animal, must admit he has never been to Walmart. [slide of obese Walmart patron]
New Rule: [slide of North Carolina woman] Have some boundaries. This North Carolina woman was arrested for having sex with the family dog while her husband filmed it and posted it online. And you thought your dog got excited when you came home! One way to tell you're way too intimate with your dog: if, to get him down off the bed, you have to pretend to throw the sex toy.
New Rule: [slide of Rep. James Sensenbrenner] If House Republicans succeed in cutting $40 billion from the food stamp program, Congressman James Sensenbrenner has to go to a food bank and donate at least two of his chins.
New Rule: [slide of large text tattoo covering entire side of woman's torso] Any tattoo that goes onto a second line is too long. We get it: your parents did a terrible job. But, it would work just as well to have a single Chinese character [slide of small Chinese tattoo] that you think says "One Love," but actually says "forklift."
New Rule: Now that Pope Francis has had his fun, he has to take off the big pointy hat and reveal he's actually a non-observant Jew. And when people rhetorically ask now, "Is the Pope Catholic?" we have to answer, "F*ck if I know."
Francis has everyone so confused. Yesterday, a bear in the woods said, "I don't know. Do I sh*t here?"