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New Rules

New Rule: [slide of blob fish] The British biologist who declared the blob fish the world's ugliest animal, must admit he has never been to Walmart. [slide of obese Walmart patron]

New Rule: [slide of North Carolina woman] Have some boundaries. This North Carolina woman was arrested for having sex with the family dog while her husband filmed it and posted it online. And you thought your dog got excited when you came home! One way to tell you're way too intimate with your dog: if, to get him down off the bed, you have to pretend to throw the sex toy.

New Rule: [slide of Rep. James Sensenbrenner] If House Republicans succeed in cutting $40 billion from the food stamp program, Congressman James Sensenbrenner has to go to a food bank and donate at least two of his chins.

New Rule: [slide of large text tattoo covering entire side of woman's torso] Any tattoo that goes onto a second line is too long. We get it: your parents did a terrible job. But, it would work just as well to have a single Chinese character [slide of small Chinese tattoo] that you think says "One Love," but actually says "forklift."

New Rule: Now that Pope Francis has had his fun, he has to take off the big pointy hat and reveal he's actually a non-observant Jew. And when people rhetorically ask now, "Is the Pope Catholic?" we have to answer, "F*ck if I know."

Francis has everyone so confused. Yesterday, a bear in the woods said, "I don't know. Do I sh*t here?"

And finally, New Rule: The next politician who says America just needs a government as good as its people needs to spend more time in an Internet chat room. Or a comment section. Or any of those wonderful cyberspaces in America where every third comment is "Suck c*cks in hell, jerk-wad!"

Seriously, if America had a government as good as its people, it wouldn't look like this. [clip of nearly empty Congress session] It would look like this: [clip of public brawl]

This week, we crowned a new Miss America, Nina Davuluri, who happens to be the first of Indian descent. And the Twitter-sphere exploded with so much racist hatred you'd have thought that President Obama just made a reasonable remark.

I mean, listen to some of this nonsense. [quotes are accompanied by slides of Twitter tweets] "How the f*ck does a foreigner win Miss America? She is a Arab, idiots."

"Congratulations, Al Qaeda, our Miss America is one of you."

"Miss America is a terrorist whatever."

All you can do is shake your head and wonder, where does Donald Trump get the time?

Of course, you can understand why these people are so upset. Miss America, after all, is a very powerful position. She signs all of our laws and treaties. And that's why the crown should only go to a white girl from Texas with big horse teeth.

But, Nina Davuluri just won a beauty contest. She didn't do anything truly evil like giving people health insurance. But, her parents are from India, so she's an Arab.

You know, it's funny, I used to think that my Twitter feed was so hate-filled because I deal in controversy. But, I found out it's everybody. I mean, I understand, [Twitter feed slide] "F*CK YOU. DIE IN A FIRE, BILL MAHER."

Sure. But, who hates Jonah Hill? "JONAH HILL, why don't you kill yourself, you unfunny fat piece of trash. Commit suicide you f*cking lame-a** piece of sh*t that you. DIE-DIE-DIE!"

Well, I guess it's a nice break from writing, "F*CK YOU, ZACH BRAFF! F*CK YOU IN THE FACE!"

You know, Abraham Lincoln said Americans were a people with malice toward none and charity for all. But, if he had said it online, the first comment would be, "BLOW ME, JEW BEARD!"And the second would be, "Go to the theatre and die!"

I mean, look at this one. [slide of "Cheesecake Factory" Twitter feed: "F*ck you, Cheesecake Factory!"] Really? Even cheesecake?

What's next? Calling apple pie a c*nt?

So, my question is why? Why? Why has hate become the national pastime? Yes, the technology does have something to do with it. But, to those who say, "Oh, people were always horrible, we just have Twitter and Facebook now," no, no, not like this.

The greatest generation had celebrities. No one would have thought to have sent Myrna Loy a telegram that said, "F*ck you, Myrna Loy! I hope Clark Gable gives you herpes!"

No, I think the problem is this. We just found out that the percentage of Americans who describe themselves as poor has doubled in the last five years. Which is very significant, because, in the past, the poor consistently and erroneously described themselves as middle class, because they had hope, because they still believed in that Ponzi scheme formerly known as the American Dream.

But, now they're starting to get it, that the fix is in, and that the "two Americas" thing is kind of true. And they're in the wrong one.

Apple just released two new iPhones: an expensive gold one for the "haves," and for the serfs, a sh*tty, plastic, lime-green one that looks like your phone is wearing Crocs.

But, here's the good news: wages may not go up again, good jobs may never come back. But, you can now get an iPhone for 99 bucks. And you can use it to tell Betty White to "GO F*CK HERSELF!!!"

You know, its funny, I used to think that my Twitter feed was so hate-filled because I deal in controversy. But, I found out its everybody.

Episode 294

September 20, 2013