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New Rules

New Rule: If Russia wants to be anti-gay, then Putin has to stop posing for dozens of topless, beefcake pictures that look like the cover of every gay porn movie made in the last 30 years.Seriously, I don't even want these pictures on my computer, Vlad. The last time I went to Netflix, it said, "You liked the movie, 'Bare-chested Strong Man." You may also like "Red Army Heat: Vladivostok Nights."

New Rule: Now that it's been 60 years, Americans must accept the fact that rock stars like to mime sex acts onstage. [slide of Miley Cyrus, then slides of Madonna and others] Yes, they're acting all hot and horny. But, they're a lot like Congress. When all is said and done, what they're actually doing is f*cking nothing.

New Rule: [slide of "bacon" casket] You can love bacon so much that you ask to be buried in a bacon-colored casket. But, before we put you in it, you have get laid out on a paper towel. And then, on the way to the cemetery, your bacon coffin must slide out of the hearse and onto the highway so that you can, one more time, clog up an artery.

New Rule: [slide of Anthony Weiner at podium] Anthony Weiner has to tell us how long he waited after he lost his election before he went back to jerking off with strangers online. Unless the answer is, "What do you think I'm doing behind this podium right now?"

And finally, New Rule: Twelve years after 9/11, and amidst yet another debate on whether to bomb yet another Muslim country, America must stop asking the question: Why do they hate us?

Forget the Syria debate. We need a debate on why we're always debating whether to bomb someone. Because we're starting to look not so much like the world's policemen, but more like George Zimmerman. Itching to use force and then pretending it's because we had no choice.

Now, I'm against chemical weapons and I don't care who knows it. And I do understand the appeal of putting the world on notice that if you use poison gas, the United States of America will personally -- personally -- F*CK YOU UP!

We will seek out the counsel and support of the entire nation of families, and then, no matter what they say, we'll go ahead and F*CK YOU UP!

But, however valid that argument may be, it is, I believe, outweighed by the fact that we have to stop bombing Muslim countries if we ever want to feel safe from terrorism in our own.

The chemical weapons treaty is important. But, to the jihadi on the street, it just looks like we're always looking for a new reason to bomb them.

Even worse, bombing seems to be our answer for everything. Since 1945, when Jesus granted America air superiority, we have bombed Korea, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Lebanon, Grenada, Panama, Iraq, Serbia, Somalia, Bosnia, The Sudan, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Yemen. And, Yemen, only because the tenth one was free.

How did we inherit this moral obligation to bring justice to the world via death from above? Are we Zeus? It doesn't make any sense. Our schools are crumbling and we want to teach everyone else a lesson.

And, look, I am no fan of Assad. And I say that openly. I don't care if it costs me jobs in Hollywood.

I think he is the worst kind of sociopath: the kind who commits unspeakable acts but who looks like a shoe salesman at Macy's.

I'm just pointing out that we're the only country in the world that muses out loud about who we might bomb next. "Iran? Yeah, we might bomb you." "Yeah, we're thinking about it, maybe. Depends on my mood."

We did this with Iraq after 9/11 even though they had nothing to do with 9/11. We do it with Iran every day. And now it's Syria's turn. We're like a schoolyard bully who has got every kid in the class nervous they're going to be next.

And I don't know if anybody should have that kind of power. Can you imagine going to work and sitting at the table with the lunch, with ten different people in front of you, and saying, "Hey, you think we should...kill Bob?"

"Well, it would send a message to Steve."

Who acts like this? People in other countries don't talk like this. Probably because if they did, we'd bomb them!

And, we're the only nation, as we have seen in this Syrian fiasco, who threatens to drop bombs on you while telling you we don't want to get involved."We're just bombing. Please, don't get up. Just bombing." "No boots on the ground. No, a little light bombing, we'll be out of your hair in a week."

I remember being on the "Howard Stern Show" twelve years ago this week, right after 9/11. And Howard said that, in retaliation for 9/11, America should bomb a Muslim country, any Muslim country; didn't matter which one. And, yet somehow, I was the one on trial for talking crazy.

And, I remember thinking to myself: Really? Bomb any Muslim country? That's the policy? Just get a map of the Middle East and throw a dart at it?

Well, apparently, George W. Bush was listening, because that's exactly what we did.

The chemical weapons treaty is important. But, to the jihadi on the street, it just looks like we're always looking for a new reason to bomb them.

Episode 293

September 13, 2013