New Rule: If Russia wants to be anti-gay, then Putin has to stop posing for dozens of topless, beefcake pictures that look like the cover of every gay porn movie made in the last 30 years.Seriously, I don't even want these pictures on my computer, Vlad. The last time I went to Netflix, it said, "You liked the movie, 'Bare-chested Strong Man." You may also like "Red Army Heat: Vladivostok Nights."
New Rule: Now that it's been 60 years, Americans must accept the fact that rock stars like to mime sex acts onstage. [slide of Miley Cyrus, then slides of Madonna and others] Yes, they're acting all hot and horny. But, they're a lot like Congress. When all is said and done, what they're actually doing is f*cking nothing.
New Rule: [slide of "bacon" casket] You can love bacon so much that you ask to be buried in a bacon-colored casket. But, before we put you in it, you have get laid out on a paper towel. And then, on the way to the cemetery, your bacon coffin must slide out of the hearse and onto the highway so that you can, one more time, clog up an artery.
New Rule: [slide of Anthony Weiner at podium] Anthony Weiner has to tell us how long he waited after he lost his election before he went back to jerking off with strangers online. Unless the answer is, "What do you think I'm doing behind this podium right now?"