Episode 292

August 2, 2013

New Rules

New Rule: Someone must explain why electronic devices question about everything you try to do except sending a “dick pic.” [laughter] Try to log off the Internet: “Are you sure you want to log off the Internet?” Try to download a document: “Are you sure you want to download a document?” Try to delete a song from iTunes: “Are you sure you want to delete a song?”

Try to send a dick pic? [slide and sound effect of file being sent on phone: “Message was successfully sent”]

New Rule: Since this is America, from now on, every Hollywood movie must be named after how many guns it has. [laughter] Washington and Wahlberg star in “2 Guns.” Bruce Willis and the Rock star in “Lots of Guns.” [laughter] And Olympic Dukakis and Brenda Fricker star as old lesbians hitchhiking to Canada in “Absolutely No Guns.”

And in a related Rule, since the NRA rule is “You can’t talk about gun control right after a mass shooting, it’s too emotional,” and we haven’t had a mass shooting in a while, how about now? Because, I understand your rule, “with guns we can only talk about it when no one’s invested.” It’s the same reason why birth control must only be discussed among men no woman would fuck on a bet. [slides of Mitch McConnell, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Burgess] [

New Rule: The Hillary Clinton campaign has to come up with a more enthusiastic bumper sticker than “I’m ready.” It doesn’t sound like you’re psyched. It just sounds like you accept a fate you’re not very excited about.

In fact, it kind of reminds me of the Mitt Romney bumper stickers from last year. [slide of Romney sticker reading: “Romney: Sure. Fuck it. Whatever.”]

"Someone must explain why electronic devices question about everything you try to do except sending a 'dick pic.'"

New Rule: England has to stop showing off by putting writers and artists on their currency. “Ooh, we’re so smart, we have Jane Austen on the ten-pound note. Who have you got on your money, America? Stone Cold Steve Austin?” [slide of Austin flipping off cameraman]

Okay, first of all, England, we don’t know who Jane Austen is because…we don’t read, because we’re not gay. And, secondly, we do put artists on our money. Who do you think’s on the 20, the 50 and the hundred? That’s right, it’s Crosby, Stills and Nash! [slides of currency below, slides of C,S&N above]

And finally, New Rule: It’s time for America to get off – get off the sidelines and support a proud people in a region where religious freedom, women’s rights and democracy itself hang in the balance. I’m talking, of course, about North Carolina.

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