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New Rules

New Rule: Every time it gets hot, photographers don't have to rush up to Harlem to take this picture. [slides shown of kids playing in fire hydrant water] They took the same picture in the seventies, in the fifties, in the thirties. I don't look at these photos and think, "What a wonderful New York tradition." I think, "Why don't they build a friggin' pool already?"

New Rule: Hooters doesn't need to update its logo to a sleeker owl that's shaped more like the contours of a woman's body. [slide of Hooters logos] We get it. It's t*ts. Now, bring me some sh**ty buffalo wings.

New Rule: The person who pranked a San Francisco TV station by loading into the teleprompter phony, racially-offensive names for the pilots of that Asiana Airline flight, "Captain Sum Ting Wong, We Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk and Bang Ding Ow"..."Awful! I must resign!" And get a job writing headlines for the New York Post.

I want to see this guy's take on--[slides of Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer] "Cok Pho Toe" and "Me Lik Ho."

New Rule: A contract is a contract. And Nathan Fillion owes it to "Castle" fans to end his walk-out and return to work doing whatever the hell happens on that show that no one I know has ever seen. [slide of "Castle" cast] I'm guessing he's a coroner, and the lady in the gold dress is his ex-wife, who is the mayor. And the other lady fights zombies with the black guy who's a ghost. [whispers] I don't know!

New Rule: George Zimmerman Juror B-37 must shut up. Lady, please. Every time the media says "B-37," John McCain screams, "Bingo!"

And finally, New Rule: Now that it's summertime, everyone has to turn off all the gadgets and read a nice piece of pure fiction. Might I suggest, Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife? I recommend this one because of the three books currently on the bestseller list that are about the joy of being dead and coming back -- four if you count The Zombie Survival Guide -- I like Proof of Heaven best because Waking Up in Heaven is by a teacher, and Heaven is for Real is by a six-year-old. But, Proof of Heaven is by a neurosurgeon who thinks like a six-year-old!

Now, I bring this up because there is a phenomenon happening lately that's really bugging me. And it's the resurgence of the "smart-stupid person." [photos of the following smart-stupid people accompany the New Rule]

Now, the smart-stupid person is not new. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was a smart-stupid person. He was a surgeon, and he created Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. So, he was not only smart, he was way ahead of his time on gay marriage.

But, he also believed in fairies. The other kind.

Dr. William Mackenzie King was a smart-stupid person. He was the prime minister of Canada for 22 years and held five degrees. And he believed he could speak to the spirits of his two dead Irish terriers. Which is why Canada was always declaring war on squirrels.

Which brings me back to the Proof of Heaven book and its author, Dr. Eban Alexander. And the question of how a neurosurgeon, of all people, could say he made a daytrip to heaven while in a coma, when his scientific training, not to mention every other scientist in the world, is telling him, "No, dude, you were just tripping." "Those coma drugs are some good sh*t."

Well, that's the scientific explanation.

Here's what Dr. Alexander said. He said, "I was a speck on a beautiful butterfly wing. Millions of other butterflies around us. We were flying through indescribable colors, arcs of silver and gold light." Okay, that's not heaven. That's a Lunesta commercial.

Hey, Doc, come by the show sometime. I'll give you some bad acid. You can visit Hell!

And, yet, somehow, Dr. Alexander isn't even the only brilliant brain surgeon who is also a drooling idiot. Dr. Ben Carson is the director of Pediatric Neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins, and the first doctor to separate conjoined twins at the head! And he believes the earth is 6,000 years old. And that homosexuality is akin to bestiality, and the Bible calls for a flat tax.

He's half brilliant brain surgeon, half Tea Party dumb*ss. He doesn't just operate on conjoined twins. He IS one!

He's also someone who many Republicans are encouraging to run for president in 2016. And why not? There's no more attractive figure in the Republican Party these days than an anti-intellectual with an advanced degree.

People like Antonin Scalia, Ted Cruz and Bobby Jindal, who are accomplished scholars on the outside and on the inside, a creamy layer of Michele Bachmann. [slide of Bachmann]

And what's with all the no-nothing doctors? People like Scott Desjarlais and Paul Broun, and Tom Coburn. And their sub-specialty: OB/GYNs who know nothing about reproduction!

Like Congressman/OB/GYN Ron Paul, who said, "Abortion leads to euthanasia." Or Congressman/OB/GYN, Michael Burgess, the guy who just last month said fetuses masturbate in the womb! Wearing tiny raincoats there.

Or Congressman/OB/GYN, Phil Gingrey who, when Todd Akin introduced America to the concept of "legitimate rape" --remember that? -- when a woman is assaulted by a licensed, bonded and fully-insured rapist -- backed him up and said, "Oh, all that adrenaline can cause you not to ovulate."

Well, forget for a moment that's wholly untrue. Let's ask the more important question: why are we electing so many gynecologists to Congress?

If having your head between a woman's legs is a qualification for public office, then why not Congressman Michael Douglas? [slide of Douglas]

People like Antonin Scalia, Ted Cruz and Bobby Jindal, who are accomplished scholars on the outside and on the inside, a creamy layer of Michele Bachmann.

Episode 290

July 19, 2013