New Rule: Every time it gets hot, photographers don't have to rush up to Harlem to take this picture. [slides shown of kids playing in fire hydrant water] They took the same picture in the seventies, in the fifties, in the thirties. I don't look at these photos and think, "What a wonderful New York tradition." I think, "Why don't they build a friggin' pool already?"
New Rule: Hooters doesn't need to update its logo to a sleeker owl that's shaped more like the contours of a woman's body. [slide of Hooters logos] We get it. It's t*ts. Now, bring me some sh**ty buffalo wings.
New Rule: The person who pranked a San Francisco TV station by loading into the teleprompter phony, racially-offensive names for the pilots of that Asiana Airline flight, "Captain Sum Ting Wong, We Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk and Bang Ding Ow"..."Awful! I must resign!" And get a job writing headlines for the New York Post.
I want to see this guy's take on--[slides of Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer] "Cok Pho Toe" and "Me Lik Ho."
New Rule: A contract is a contract. And Nathan Fillion owes it to "Castle" fans to end his walk-out and return to work doing whatever the hell happens on that show that no one I know has ever seen. [slide of "Castle" cast] I'm guessing he's a coroner, and the lady in the gold dress is his ex-wife, who is the mayor. And the other lady fights zombies with the black guy who's a ghost. [whispers] I don't know!
New Rule: George Zimmerman Juror B-37 must shut up. Lady, please. Every time the media says "B-37," John McCain screams, "Bingo!"