New Rule: [slides of Obama perspiring] Enough with the theatrics, Mister President. Republicans don't look at these photos and say, "Look how hot he is. Global warming must be real." They look at these photos and say, "Remember Louie Armstrong? He was one of the good ones." [slide of Armstrong] They just don't...quite get it. Okay.
New Rule: Now that we know the cause of that Asiana Airlines crash was the pilots flying too slowly, I don't want to hear another word about me doing Asian driver jokes.
Also, if future historians need to know how humans could ruin their own planet out of pure selfish greed, they just have to look at this picture of people who wouldn't get off a burning plane without their luggage.
New Rule: The ladies of 'The View' have to dry their tears, say their goodbyes, and admit what I have: No woman can ever replace Elisabeth Hasselbeck. She must be replaced by "Big Mouth Billy Bass" [slide of "Big Mouth Billy Bass" mounted singing fish]
Why? Well, one's made of lifelike rubber, always says the same thing, and was so annoying it was kind of funny ten years ago. And the other is "Big Mouth Billy Bass."
New Rule: [slide of African children wearing Romney/Ryan t-shirts] Don't send your leftover Romney/Ryan t-shirts to poor kids in Africa! I applaud the gesture, but it's not fair to Republicans. They're going to see this ad and think, "Boy, our message is really resonating with young voters in Detroit!"