New Rule: To anyone from a foreign country who might have been standing in line this week in the Atlanta shoe store when a guy in line to buy the new $180 LeBron James sneaker, started robbing people in line at gunpoint. And then another guy in the line pulled out his own gun and shot the first guy dead, and then went back in line to wait for his sneakers! "Welcome to America."
New Rule: I have the highest regard for the Ecuadorian military. [slide of military guard] But, all the epaulets, plumes, tassels and brass buttons in the world don't make up for the fact that your weapon is a bamboo stick.
New Rule: [slide of Paula Deen] In order to placate self-righteous liberals apoplectic over the fact that she may have uttered the "n" word, Paula Deen must do a live television special where she's whipping up her famous skillet-fried apple pie, and Chris Brown comes in and beats the sh*t out of her.
Look, for the last time, there are only two approved groups who get a pass on the "n" word: all black people, and Charlie Sheen when he's mad. Those are the only two.
New Rule: [slide of pile of stuffed animals on sidewalk] Don't throw your stuffed animals out on the street with the rest of the garbage. It makes it look like Elmo and Winnie the Pooh died in a murder-suicide pact.
New Rule: [slides of Saran Wrap] Between not being able to find the end of the roll...and it not tearing cleanly on that serrated edge, and it all sticking together before I can get it on my sandwich, Saran Wrap can go f*ck itself. Somebody had to say it finally!