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New Rules

New Rule: To anyone from a foreign country who might have been standing in line this week in the Atlanta shoe store when a guy in line to buy the new $180 LeBron James sneaker, started robbing people in line at gunpoint. And then another guy in the line pulled out his own gun and shot the first guy dead, and then went back in line to wait for his sneakers! "Welcome to America."

New Rule: I have the highest regard for the Ecuadorian military. [slide of military guard] But, all the epaulets, plumes, tassels and brass buttons in the world don't make up for the fact that your weapon is a bamboo stick.

New Rule: [slide of Paula Deen] In order to placate self-righteous liberals apoplectic over the fact that she may have uttered the "n" word, Paula Deen must do a live television special where she's whipping up her famous skillet-fried apple pie, and Chris Brown comes in and beats the sh*t out of her.

Look, for the last time, there are only two approved groups who get a pass on the "n" word: all black people, and Charlie Sheen when he's mad. Those are the only two.

New Rule: [slide of pile of stuffed animals on sidewalk] Don't throw your stuffed animals out on the street with the rest of the garbage. It makes it look like Elmo and Winnie the Pooh died in a murder-suicide pact.

New Rule: [slides of Saran Wrap] Between not being able to find the end of the roll...and it not tearing cleanly on that serrated edge, and it all sticking together before I can get it on my sandwich, Saran Wrap can go f*ck itself. Somebody had to say it finally!

New Rule: Stop saying Republicans are waging a war on women. It's not women they hate. It's women having sex that doesn't end with a baby popping out. Sex, in their mind, is for procreation, not recreation.

The same way the G-spot is seen as just another liberal hoax that needs more study.

All right, I bring this up because, besides the heroic Wendy Davis, there were two stories in the news last week dealing with teenage sex. And, just to be safe, the Vatican issued a denial.

Now...you'll get over it...one story was about Plan B. That's the "morning after" pill that's -- the FDA says is safer than Motrin, and which any American can now buy over the counter just like milk and ammo.

And, because it's a birth control pill, it will prevent abortions.

Now, the other story was about the vaccine for HPV, which is the STD that leads to cervical cancer, and how that vaccine, since its introduction in 2006, has reduced teenage infections by 56%. All good news, right?

WRONG! No, over in "family values" world...things like Plan B and the HPV vaccine are bad because they remove God's natural intended punishments for sluts who put out.

It's true...a) being saddled with a baby you don't want, or b) stricken with a horrible disease. You don't think that's how these people think? Then tell me why conservatives always couch their objections to the HPV vaccine in "parental rights," but never complain about other state-mandated vaccines their kids have to get?

Why not throw a sh*t-fit about the measles vaccine, or mumps, rubella, whooping cough, chicken pox? Because you don't get those diseases from screwing or "yodeling in the canyon."

They do not want a vaccine for HPV because that's the good kind of cancer that makes hussies think twice about going all the way!

Ron Paul -- a f*cking doctor! -- said this vaccine which prevents thousands of cases of a fatal disease, was, quote, "not good medicine." And Michele Bachmann said it caused mental retardation. Her source? The New England Journal of a Lady Who Stopped Me on the Street and Told Me That.

Yes, Republicans actually think this vaccine encourages girls to have sex because now there are no consequences. Just the way when I got my first tetanus shot, I couldn't wait to jab rusty nails into my feet. It was a freebie!

But, studies have been done on this, and girls who get the HPV shot become no more sexually active than girls who do not. It's not like they see the needle getting stuck in and go, "Ooh, that gives me an idea."

They already have the idea. One in three 16-year-olds in America are having intercourse. To deny them access to the vaccine or Plan B as a means of preventing them from "doing it"...is like not giving them an umbrella so it won't rain. 

And Plan, again, is not an abortion pill. Quite the opposite. It's a dose of hormones that prevents ovulation. You know, ovulation: when a tramp's ovaries release an egg.

So, there is no egg for the sperm to fertilize. So, unborn life doesn't enter into it. If you have a problem with it, it's because you and your invisible friend just don't like people having sex.

If Republicans were really pro-life, they'd endorse making Plan B free to women everywhere. Of course, plenty of ministers' daughters are going to be using Plan B, too. And, good. Why should there be shame if, on one night, a curious teenager loses herself in a moment of passion and says, "Okay, you can stick it in, but just for a minute."

Not knowing that a 16-year-old boy couldn't last a minute if he tried.

If Republicans were really pro-life, they'd endorse making Plan B free to women everywhere.

Episode 288

June 28, 2013