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New Rules

New Rule: [slide of Miss Utah] Miss Utah who answered a question about working women's salaries by rambling on about how we need to "create education better"...has to admit those earrings are actually weights designed to keep her head from floating off her neck.Look, just don't ask beauty queens about the social impact of gender-based wage disparity. They get stumped by questions like, "What do you read?" [slide of Sarah Palin interview]

New Rule: [slide of obese man wearing giant crucifix necklace and Speedo swimsuit] Your crucifix cannot be bigger than your bathing suit.We get it. You're a Christian.Now, put some pants on before you turn the other cheek.

New Rule: When it comes to Jimmy Hoffa, you could turn up pictures of him f**king Amelia Earhart in the Lost City of Atlantis...and I still don't care if you find his grave.

Leave it alone! He's a dead guy, not America's G-spot.And, I don't know if you noticed, but while you were looking for this one union leader, the unions died.Thank you.

New Rule: [slide of George Zimmerman] Now that George Zimmerman has put on so much weight, the prosecution must explore the theory that he killed Trayvon Martin for his Skittles.

New Rule: [slide of "hairy" stockings] The new Chinese trend--stockings that look like hairy legs--must never come to America.Never. Hairy-leg stockings were designed to ward off sexual attention from men. And, you know what? Why not? Men have a product that wards off sexual attention from women. It's called the Toyota Tercel. [slide of beat-up, old Tercel]

And finally, New Rule: If you're thinking about the sanctity of Christmas in June, just stop. This week, Texas governor Rick Perry signed the "Merry Christmas" Bill, protecting people who say, "Merry Christmas," from the people who wish they'd say something else, who total somewhere between three and nobody.

Come on, it's the first day of summer. Can't we wait to do this when Christmas season really starts? On the last day of summer?

Now, we've all heard the phrase, "Christmas in June." And, what with Republicans this week talking about masturbating fetuses and Sarah Palin joining 'Fox & Friends,' for comedians, this kind of was "Christmas in June."

But, down in Texas, they're serious about it. What happened was a state representative named Dwayne Bohac...naturally...heard that at his son's school, the teachers were so paranoid that if they said "Christmas tree" instead of "holiday tree," they would wind up getting prosecuted by the ACLU.

So, "Thick Rick" Perry signed a law protecting folks from ever going to jail for saying "Christmas tree," even though this has never actually happened to anyone in Texas, because the pollution killed all the trees.And people there don't go to jail; they just get the chair.

But...but, thanks to Rick, students and teachers no longer need fear doing hard time for saying "Christmas" instead of winter solstice, or "Christmas tree" instead of holiday tree, or "Menorah" instead of Jew candelabra.

Oh, Rick, what a bimbo. At the signing ceremony, Rick said, "I realize it's only June, but it's a good June.""And the holidays are coming early this year." Thank you, Miss Utah.

And, get this, he was flanked by six Santas and a rabbi. A rabbi at Christmas? Sure, why the f**k not. Because, you see, in America, it doesn't matter what you worship as long as you worship something.

Religious people aren't afraid of other religious people. Oh, sure, sometimes they kill and hate them, but...they don't fear them. They fear atheists because we are the ones who aren't clapping during 'Peter Pan.'

Remember "Peter Pan"? If everybody in the audience doesn't clap and say, "I believe in fairies," then Tinkerbell's light goes out and she dies. Because religion is kind of like a conga line. If one person doesn't join in, you see yourself through their eyes, and you realize you look like a schmuck.

A couple of weeks ago, Hillary Clinton debuted on Twitter, and in her bio, described herself as a "wife, mom, lawyer, senator, Secretary of State, dog owner, pants suit aficionado." But, she didn't say "person of faith." And Sally Quinn, in the Washington Post, called her out for that unforgiveable omission.

Oh, really? Even tweets have to be religiously correct now? This is what they do in Iran and Saudi Arabia, shaming people publicly for not being pious enough. And, is Sally Quinn really a person of faith? I hope not. Faith means "the purposeful suspension of critical thinking." It's nothing to be admired...

Instead of goading each other into keeping up this fašade, why don't we all come out of the closet together?

Wolf Blitzer is Jewish. And yet, last month, after the tornado in Oklahoma, he kept badgering a survivor with, "Do you thank the Lord? Do you? Do you? Do you thank the Lord for sparing you?" Until the woman finally told him, "I'm actually an atheist."

Well, Wolf was floored. He looked like he'd just been spayed and neutered. So, the woman added, "But, I don't blame anyone for thanking the Lord."

See, this is what Bible-thumpers are terrified of. Atheists are among us. Even in Oklahoma!And they're nice! Oh, sh*t.

First...first, the gays got mainstreamed. Now this?! Yes. Yes, now this. The fastest-growing religion in America is "none of the above." Twenty percent of America, 46 million people, up 5% in just the last five years. By far, the biggest, most under-represented minority in the country.

And, like the lady in Oklahoma, not a threat to you. Atheists like Christmas, too. And we also scream, "Oh, God!" during sex!

I love Christmas! The memories, the songs, the tree, the re-gifting, the stupid, inedible, f**kin' fruitcake! I love it all! I even like the idea of a nice man who sees me when I'm sleeping and knows when I'm awake.

And that man's name is Barack Obama.

Religious people aren't afraid of other religious people. Oh, sure, sometimes they kill and hate them, but...they don't fear them.

Episode 287

June 21, 2013