New Rule: [slide of Putin and Obama] If it turns out you track everyone's phone calls, you monitor their email and you have a secret "kill list," when Vladimir Putin talks, you get to make your "been there, done that" face.
New Rule: [slide of two protesters, one with "V is for Vendetta" mask and one with "Scream" mask] Even if I agree with the point you're making, if you put on one of these masks, I'm already writing you off.
Sorry, you're not reminding me of the evil government can do. You're reminding me of the time I did mushrooms and went to Mummenschanz.
New Rule: This weekend, and henceforth, we must officially rename "Father's Day" what every dad in America really thinks every holiday should be: "Saint Blowjob's Day."
Straight or gay, daddy wants a hummer. If you give him a robe, he'll be thinking, ooh, this is what I should wear while you're blowing me. If you give him a fancy coffeemaker, he'll think, great, this will help me stay awake for my blow job!
How do I know your man wants it on that particular day? Because it's a day.
New Rule: If you introduce an amendment requiring immigrants to become proficient in English just months after you deliver the State of the Union in Spanish...[video of Marco Rubio giving response in Spanish]...and after getting elected with campaign ads in Spanish...[Spanish-language Marco Rubio video campaign ad]...while selling your autobiography, Marco Rubio: Un Hijo Americano, in Spanish, then you must tell me the Spanish word for "hypocrite."
New Rule: [slide of Victoria's Secret ad featuring Leonardo DiCaprio] Someone has to tell Leonardo DiCaprio that you can also use the Victoria's Secret catalogue to pick out clothes.
New Rule: Somebody has to break it to CBS that there's already a TV show about people living inside a giant bubble. It's called "Fox & Friends."