New Rule: Rather than broadcast to the world that cunnilingus gave him throat cancer--[slide of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones]--it's okay for Michael Douglas to just tell Catherine Zeta-Jones he doesn't want to do it anymore.
New Rule: Amazon has to remove that logo from their shipping box. It's not a smile that says, "Good news, your order is here." It's a smirk that says, "Ha-hah, guess what you bought when you were drunk."
New Rule: If you put hair extensions on your baby--[slide of baby with hair extensions]--the state gets to take your kid. One way to tell you're sexualizing your child at too young an age? When her diaper says "Juicy" on the back. [slide of infant wearing "Juicy" diaper]
New Rule: If you wear your homemade Nazi uniform to your child custody hearing, just admit you don't really want the kid.
New Rule: Everyone must stop freaking out about this picture. [slide of fast-food employee licking stack of taco shells] What? Like Taco Bell was health food before? These were expired taco shells on their way to the trash. Geez, between this and Michael Douglas, you can't lick anything anymore!
And finally, New Rule: When Bob Dole, a guy so Republican his adult diaper has a flag pin, says his party has become a bunch of idea-free ideologues who obstruct too much, people should listen.
But, they should also question his other statement, that Ronald Reagan himself couldn't have made it today as a Republican.
This has become a kind of conventional wisdom: that the Republican Party has gone so far right Reagan himself wouldn't fit in.
But, I'm here tonight to call bullsh*t on that. Ronald Reagan was an anti-government, union-busting, race-baiting, anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-intellectual who cut rich people/s taxes in half, had an incurable case for the military-industrial complex, and said Medicare was socialism that would destroy our freedom. Sounds to me like he would fit in just fine.
Now...I know over at Fox News right now, they're already putting out a fatwa on me. For committing the cardinal sin of taking in vain the sacred name of Ronald Reagan. It's a name like Jesus Christ. You can say it, but only in a good way. Like, "Jesus Christ, bless this chili dog."
Not like, "Jesus Christ, look at the ass on Rihanna!"
But, what they cannot contest is that even though Reagan did a few things today's GOP would not like, he wrote the playbook for them on every issue of consequence. Sure, he raised taxes a few times. But, when you look at where he started with taxes and where he ended, this is where our income inequality problems began. He invented "voodoo economics."
On race, his ideas couldn't have been more Tea Party if he shouted them from a Rascal scooter. He ran on states' rights. He invented the notion that black people get all the breaks...constantly telling the story of the "Chicago Woman"--wink, wink--who has "80 names, 30 addresses, 12 Social Security cards, and her tax-free cash income is over $150,000."
And that woman today is RuPaul.
Actually, that woman never existed. Reagan just made sh*t up. Something else he pioneered for his party of today.
He described the New Deal as fascism, Medicaid recipients as "waiting for handouts," unemployment insurance as "prepaid vacation for free-loaders. And once said, "A tree's a tree. How many more do you need to look at?"
He was the original, official pitchman for bat-sh*t. When they hold up signs that say "No Socialized Medicine," where do you think they got it from? We got it from you, Dad, we got it from you. [slide of Reagan record album]
RECORDING OF RONALD REAGAN: "If you don't do this and I don't do it, one of these days, you and I are going to spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it once was like in America when men were free."
Drama queen much? Worst of all, Reagan inspired a whole generation of people who hate government, to get into government. Both sides really should stop pretending he was something other than the man most responsible for our decline. And I do mean both sides.
You know, I get why Republicans worship Reagan. They're the religious party. Worship is in their DNA. They can't help it. They love him beyond logic. Last year, they tried to elect his haircut. [slides of Reagan and Mitt Romney]
They want him on a stamp so they can lick his backside.
But, why are Democrats conceding the argument on Reagan? Obama talks about him like he's a "brother from another mother." "He changed the trajectory of America." Yes, but not for the better.
When you mainstream Reagan, the far right becomes the new middle. He wasn't a friend to all Americans. He was "Patient Zero" for everything you're fighting against now. He was the original "teabagger."
Stop agreeing he was a saint, especially when his two miracles were turning water into polluted water, and walking on the poor.
If you wear your homemade Nazi uniform to your child custody hearing, just admit you don't really want the kid.
June 7, 2013