New Rule: Rather than broadcast to the world that cunnilingus gave him throat cancer--[slide of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones]--it's okay for Michael Douglas to just tell Catherine Zeta-Jones he doesn't want to do it anymore.
New Rule: Amazon has to remove that logo from their shipping box. It's not a smile that says, "Good news, your order is here." It's a smirk that says, "Ha-hah, guess what you bought when you were drunk."
New Rule: If you put hair extensions on your baby--[slide of baby with hair extensions]--the state gets to take your kid. One way to tell you're sexualizing your child at too young an age? When her diaper says "Juicy" on the back. [slide of infant wearing "Juicy" diaper]
New Rule: If you wear your homemade Nazi uniform to your child custody hearing, just admit you don't really want the kid.
New Rule: Everyone must stop freaking out about this picture. [slide of fast-food employee licking stack of taco shells] What? Like Taco Bell was health food before? These were expired taco shells on their way to the trash. Geez, between this and Michael Douglas, you can't lick anything anymore!