New Rule: If America makes a movie as sub-mental as "Fast and the Furious 6" and the rest of the world pays to see it, they have to admit they're just encouraging us. And don't call the next one "Fast and Furious 7." That number if way too complicated for your fans. Call it, "Me Like Watch Rock Play with Cars."
This crowd likes that movie. Why am I not surprised?
New Rule: The South Carolina couple planning a dolphin-assisted birth where they have their baby while swimming with dolphins have to further infuriate conservatives by claiming the whole thing is covered by Obamacare.
Also, they have to bring a photographer, because I for one want to see the looks on their faces when those dolphins eat that baby.
New Rule: Someone has to tell me how to get the vision of Michael Douglas being anally penetrated by Matt Damon out of my head. Oh, and that reminds me, I really want to see that new HBO movie, "Behind the Candelabra."
New Rule: Michele Bachmann isn't done until I say she's done!
Oh, Michele with your fourth-grade education and your google eyes, I'm going to miss you. I need you, baby. Now, get back out there and keep saying things that make you completely indistinguishable from Amanda Bynes.
New Rule: I want to see what happens when this weather lady—[slide of female weather forecaster]—stands in front of this weather map—[slide of another weather man standing in front of map showing penis-and-balls-shaped weather front].