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New Rules

New Rule: If America makes a movie as sub-mental as "Fast and the Furious 6" and the rest of the world pays to see it, they have to admit they're just encouraging us. And don't call the next one "Fast and Furious 7." That number if way too complicated for your fans. Call it, "Me Like Watch Rock Play with Cars."

This crowd likes that movie. Why am I not surprised?

New Rule: The South Carolina couple planning a dolphin-assisted birth where they have their baby while swimming with dolphins have to further infuriate conservatives by claiming the whole thing is covered by Obamacare.

Also, they have to bring a photographer, because I for one want to see the looks on their faces when those dolphins eat that baby.

New Rule: Someone has to tell me how to get the vision of Michael Douglas being anally penetrated by Matt Damon out of my head. Oh, and that reminds me, I really want to see that new HBO movie, "Behind the Candelabra."

New Rule: Michele Bachmann isn't done until I say she's done!

Oh, Michele with your fourth-grade education and your google eyes, I'm going to miss you. I need you, baby. Now, get back out there and keep saying things that make you completely indistinguishable from Amanda Bynes.

New Rule: I want to see what happens when this weather lady[slide of female weather forecaster]stands in front of this weather map[slide of another weather man standing in front of map showing penis-and-balls-shaped weather front].

And, finally, New Rule: Pot is the new gay marriage. And, by that, I mean, it's the next obvious civil rights issue that needs to fall. 

Now, if I asked you, what has been the biggest change in American society over the past 20 years, what would you say? Instagram? Coconut water? Crocs?  

All important. But, no. It's that a generation ago, the closest thing to gay marriage was Liza Minnelli and David Guest. In 1988, only 10% of Americans approved of gay marriage. Today, that figure is almost 60%. So, what happened? What made gay marriage so normal so quickly?

Now, sure, part of it was "Dancing with the Stars." 

But, mostly, it was because gays simply demanded it. They didn't care that gay marriage wasn't popular. They put it on the agenda and they made it popular. The same way they made every woman in America want to wear giant, bug-eye sunglasses. 

Now, the Democrats, believe it or not, have that kind of power, too. They just don't use it because Democrats operate from a place of fear, unwilling to appear soft on crime, soft on terror...or in Anthony Weiner's case, soft on camera. 

On gay marriage, they even use their own children as political cover to explain how they[air quotes]"evolved" on the issue. They say, "My kids have gay friends. And when they come over for dinner, I've noticed none of them try to fuck me." 

Say what you will about Republicans, they don't chase poll numbers. They move them. Like gays. If Republicans were smart, they would steal marijuana from the Democrats as a freedom issue. Of course, they're not smart, so they won't.  

Because they're squares living in a "Reefer Madness" cartoon. A cartoon where millions of Americans are still trapped in a no-man's-land where a pot dispensary can sell you weed if you have a[air quotes]"card," from a[air quotes]"doctor" who certifies that you have a[air quotes]"disease." Which is just "don't ask, don't tell" for pot smokers.  

And...and it creates a culture of dishonesty that gives a bad name to people like me who genuinely suffer from whatever it is I told them I have. 

But, this isn't about me. It's about the three-quarters-of-a-million people who are arrested for simple possession every year. And the fact that blacks are arrested at seven times the rate of whites which is a subtle way to suppress the black vote, because 48 states limit voting rights for convicted felons. Only two states do not: Maine and Vermont. And Maine's black population consists of a bear.  

Look, we all put something in our mouth that we're not always proud of...but that makes us happy. Gay barriers fell when Americans realized gays are their neighbors, their friends, their family members, their co-workers. Certainly, that must also be true of pot-heads.

We all know at least one. In fact, I bet there's one pot-head who you all know. [slide of Barack Obama]  

Oh, not any more. [another slide: Obama in high school] But, here he is back in high school with his stoner posse, the "Choom Gang" posing with a cake that I'm guessing didn't last long.

And it makes me curious why he evolved so much on gay marriage, but has actually escalated the war on pot. At the correspondents' dinner this year, he joked, "I remember when buzzfeed was something I did in college around two a.m." Which killed in the room, but perhaps not so funny to all the young lives ruined for doing the exact same thing he did back in Honolulu.

A simple pot conviction can foreclose on opportunities to vote, get a job, go to college or qualify for housing. How can our first black president and our first pot-head president be aware of that and just look the other way?

If anyone can say smoking pot won't ruin your life, it's the guy who smoked bales of it and then became leader of the free world.

Now, if I asked you, what has been the biggest change in American society over the past 20 years, what would you say? Instagram? Coconut water? Crocs?

Episode 284

May 31, 2013