New Rule: Whoever at the U.N. issued the new report saying one way to solve hunger is by eating more insects...has to mind his own damn business. IKEA doesn't need any more ideas.
Plus, it's just not true. I've brought thousands of roaches to my lips, and it just makes me hungrier. See, that's where it starts. It's my own fault, yes. My own.
New Rule: [Three slides of Ben Bernanke] If he wants to increase consumer confidence and economic optimism, Ben Bernanke has to stop looking like he'd always just caught us masturbating.
Seriously, this guy only has two faces: dour, and "I'm sorry, you have three months to live."
Come on, Ben, you're taking questions from the Financial Services Committee and Michele Bachmann is on it. That's got to be worth a little laugh.
New Rule: Before you laugh at the Europeans for making tiny cars with the door in front, imagine the photos of Paris Hilton getting out of one. [slide of man exiting tiny front-opening car]
New Rule: Stop believing Chris Christie when he says he got lap-band surgery for his family. He did it because he wants to be president in 2016, and being that obese is kind of a scandal in itself. He did it because there are skeletons in his closet...of cows!
New Rule: Parents have to think of better ways to give their kids ADHD. [slide of training potty with computer tablet attached] Oh, great, a training potty with an iPad attached to it. Your kid will be thrilled, though probably less so later in life when every time he orders something off Amazon, he sh*ts himself.