New Rule: Whoever at the U.N. issued the new report saying one way to solve hunger is by eating more insects...has to mind his own damn business. IKEA doesn't need any more ideas.
Plus, it's just not true. I've brought thousands of roaches to my lips, and it just makes me hungrier. See, that's where it starts. It's my own fault, yes. My own.
New Rule: [Three slides of Ben Bernanke] If he wants to increase consumer confidence and economic optimism, Ben Bernanke has to stop looking like he'd always just caught us masturbating.
Seriously, this guy only has two faces: dour, and "I'm sorry, you have three months to live."
Come on, Ben, you're taking questions from the Financial Services Committee and Michele Bachmann is on it. That's got to be worth a little laugh.
New Rule: Before you laugh at the Europeans for making tiny cars with the door in front, imagine the photos of Paris Hilton getting out of one. [slide of man exiting tiny front-opening car]
New Rule: Stop believing Chris Christie when he says he got lap-band surgery for his family. He did it because he wants to be president in 2016, and being that obese is kind of a scandal in itself. He did it because there are skeletons in his closet...of cows!
New Rule: Parents have to think of better ways to give their kids ADHD. [slide of training potty with computer tablet attached] Oh, great, a training potty with an iPad attached to it. Your kid will be thrilled, though probably less so later in life when every time he orders something off Amazon, he sh*ts himself.
And, finally, New Rule: There are scandals and then there are scandals. And perspective is important. Yes, to explain Benghazi, Susan Rice used talking points. But, at least she didn't have to read them off her hand! [slide of Sarah Palin consulting her note-covered palm]
Now, this week, someone was taken off a cross-country flight in handcuffs for singing "I Will Always Love You" for three straight hours. And that's still fewer times than Lindsey Graham has said, "Benghazi."
[Slide of Fox News commentator] I've seen this woman say "Benghazi" on my TV so many times, I don't know if it's a problem with the set, or I'm in an Asian horror movie and there's a monster named "Benghazi."
Congressman and friend of 'Real Time,' Darrell Issa is the chairman of the Oversight Committee. And as most Californians know, he made his fortune in car alarms. And now, ironically, has become a loud, repetitive but ultimately pointless device that you wish to God someone would shut off so you could get some sleep.
But, here's the difference between Darrell Issa and a car alarm. Sometimes when a car alarm goes off, there's an actual crime.
I keep looking for the crime here. I feel like Reese Witherspoon arguing with the cop. "Why are you arresting me?" "Susan Rice said 'mob' instead of 'Al Qaeda'? Obama said 'act of terror' instead of 'terrorist act'?
Republicans are constantly coming up with these never-before-stated, secret rules that they only tell you about once you've broken them.
"You don't make important speeches from a teleprompter!"...Okay.
"No golfing until we have a budget!"
"Thou Shalt Not Criticize the President when he's on foreign soil. Unless he's a Democrat, of course then it's okay."
Congressman Peter King thundered that the president was almost four minutes into his first Benghazi statement before he mentioned an act of terror. Oh, yes, the "Four Minute" rule. F**k, how could I forget?
Excuse me. Nixon ran a burglary ring out of the Oval Office! Reagan traded arms WITH terrorists. Bush ginned up a war where thousands died by sending Colin Powell to lie to the U.N. with props! Remember that?!
He turned an American hero into "General Carrot Top!"
But, I let it go. I said, "This is the business we've chosen." But, please don't tell me that freedom died because Susan Rice broke the sacred bond between citizens and talk shows.
In a poll this week, four in ten Republicans said Benghazi is the worst scandal in American history. Second worst: Kanye West snatching the mic from Taylor Swift.
If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears, Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don't own...then your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need to call a doctor.
And while the press has been occupied with scandal, the biggest scandal and the most important story of the century so far happened last week. Scientists reported that the level of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere has passed the long-feared milestone of 400 parts per million. And unless you're a chimney sweep, that's bad news.
Because humans have never lived through it. You think Susan Rice gave bogus talking points about Benghazi? What about the bullsh*t talking points the entire Republican Party has been spewing on climate change since the nineties?
I want to see the emails to find out who came up with the talking points that global warming is just a theory and that it needs more study, and climate change is a hoax.
The Obama Administration isn't dirty. The air is.
In a poll this week, four in ten Republicans said Benghazi is the worst scandal in American history.
May 17, 2013