New Rule: [slide of Ariel Castro] If you want to avoid being accused of kidnaping girls and keeping them chained in your basement, you have to make at least some effort to not look exactly like the kind of guy who would kidnap girls and keep them chained in your basement.
Also, and this goes out to all his brothers--[mug shots of Castro and two other suspects]--in your mug shots, try not to look like every mechanic who ever told me my car is not ready.
New Rule: [slide of Honey Boo Boo's mother's wedding] Conservatives must admit that a gay wedding cannot be as bad as this. This is Honey Boo Boo's mother, Mama June and her beau Sugar Bear, and they've tied the knot. And why not? They're so in love, sometimes they finish each other's sandwiches.
Congratulations! I now pronounce you wife and greeter at Home Depot. Such a politically-correct group today.
New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary's chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don't weaken Hillary Clinton. They only make her stronger!
Travel-gate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky...Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast!
If the Republicans keep this up, she'll not only be president, she'll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court.
New Rule: [slide of Christian heavy metal singer Tim Lambesis] If you're a Christian heavy metal singer like this clod is, and you're accused of hiring a guy to kill your wife, as this clod was, you have to admit you're really just a "regular" heavy metal singer.
Come on, dude, read your Bible. God says you're not allowed to kill your wife...unless she's...[screen crawl lists books of Bible where passages are cited]...gay, cheating, a witch, a fortune-teller, not a virgin, worshiping another god, worshiping no god, cursing her dad, hitting her dad, ignoring a priest, approaching the tabernacle....or working on Sunday.
Otherwise, hands off. Oh, and Ecclesiastes says, "The wind continuously blows." But not as hard as Christian rock.
New Rule: Now that Martha Stewart is on Match.com, she must realize that dating has changed and heed the following helpful hints. Old condom wrappers can be woven into shiny, decorative drink coasters. And you can microwave your lube for 30 seconds to heighten the intensity of the experience.