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Quotes

MAHERISMS: 

"He's now back in the Vatican. It's the first time two popes have ever lived together in the Vatican. There's some crazy mix-ups, but they have a chart on the refrigerator to tell each one whose turn it is to be infallible." -Bill Maher

"There's actually a new study out that says, if you believe in End Times, and that Jesus is coming back, you are much less likely to believe that global warming is real. This was published in the New England Journal of Have You Not Been Watching My Show?" -Bill Maher

"Thinking the Second Amendment can protect you from tyranny. It's like thinking the First Amendment protects you from Thor."

ON DRONES AND KILLING ANWAR AL-AWLAKI'S SON:

"I think that one of the enduring legacies of the Obama Administration is that he has normalized assassination as a central component of U.S. -- what's called 'national security policy.'" -Jeremy Scahill

"If we're going to kill our own people without even charging them with a crime, well, then we should just say we live in a different country, and stop telling the world that we're the sort of great, shining city on the hill." -Jeremy Scahill

GUANTANAMO BAY:

"I think the boogeyman that we've created about Guantanamo Bay is an absolute disservice to the men and women that guard detainees there every day." -Pete Hegseth

"There was 779 at its height; 600 were released because they had no charges against them. They were just people they took off the battlefield. Only six of the 166 in there now have been formally charged. This is so un-American, just to take random people, throw them into a dungeon and lock the key away." -Bill Maher

SPENDING CUTS, THE JOBS REPORT AND THE ECONOMY:

"I think there is waste in the Pentagon that we need to attack.  Because if we're unwilling to talk about waste in the Pentagon and how to make it more efficient, how do I turn to other programs that are crowding out good spending and talk about how to reduce that?" -Pete Hegseth

"Even if we think that the unemployment rate is going down, people are working less and they have less income to take home with them. That's a problem." -Mattie Duppler

"Do you honestly think that constantly making this class--which is about half the country now -of desperate people, is not going to bite the fortunate people in the ass at some point?" -Bill Maher

"We should congratulate ourselves for not being as stupid as the Europeans who went wild with this austerity and wild with this budget cutting. And so they are sinking and we are not." -Lawrence O'Donnell

DZHOKHAR TSARNAEV'S FRIENDS:

"I don't like calling them 'kids.' And I don't know why it's happening in the media They're 19 years old. If you think about the black defendants who end up in violent criminal cases in this country, who are 19 years old, there's not one media observer who calls them 'kids.'" -Lawrence O'Donnell

"I think it was an instance where, for some reason, they were covering up. But, who doesn't call the FBI and say, 'My buddy just planted a bomb.'" -Pete Hegseth

"There's always evil, shitty, stupid kids, no matter where you're from." -Marc Maron

POLL: 44% OF REPUBLICANS THINK THE U.S. MIGHT HAVE TO HAVE AN "ARMED INSURRECTION:"

"You know what they had in Waco? They had, like, 1.9 million rounds of ammunition. They had 50-caliber machine guns; they had grenades. What did the government have? Everything else!The winner and still champion, the United States Government." -Bill Maher

"Maybe this is why the Republicans want to make the government so small so the fringe of their ideology will take it over, armed, and then they can just hire them as a security force." -Marc Maron

"Thinking the Second Amendment can protect you from tyranny. It's like thinking the First Amendment protects you from Thor." -Bill Maher

Episode 281

May 3, 2013