New Rule: Now that the first professional athlete in a major team sport has come out as gay, somebody at the Tony Awards has to come out as straight.
New Rule: No fighting on Mt. Everest. This week, climbers from three countries got into a brawl with their sherpas at 23,000 feet, in what's being called "the most exhausting fight of all time."
One guy landed a punch with his mitten, which the other guy didn't feel because of frostbite. And then they all died. The end.
New Rule: The Connecticut man whose home was recently found to be storing 300 one-gallon plastic jugs filled with his own urine has to admit he was just trying to get on a reality show on A&E called "Piss Hoarder Storage Shop."
New Rule: Now that scientists can prove that America's first settlers in 1607 chopped up and ate a 14-year-old girl, scientists need to stop doing that.
Jesus, IKEA's meatballs suddenly don't seem so bad, do they?
Let's just close the book on what most people would call a weird, shameful chapter in our history. And what Rand Paul would call "the free market at work."
New Rule: Since we have Viagra, the pill for erectile dysfunction, and now Osphena, the pill that helps lubricate post-menopausal women, we have to create "Eeew." The pill that paralyzes your eyes and ears for the length of a TV commercial.
Bin Laden's plan wasn't to kill us all. It was to scare us into overreacting and destroying ourselves.
And, finally, New Rule: Stop worrying that our justice system can't be trusted to try this low life as a common criminal. [slide of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev]
Come on, this is the USA. We're pretty good at putting people in prison. We have a higher incarceration rate than Iran or China, or for that matter, every other country on earth. We're also pretty good at executing people. Ninety percent of places in the world don't, but we do.
So, yes, I'm afraid little Dzhokhar f**ked with the wrong peace-loving, Christian people.
Now, ever since the sh*t went down in Boston, all the usual suspects on the right have been screeching about how Dzhokhar needs to be held as an enemy combatant, and how Obama doesn't get it about fighting terrorism.
No, you don't get it. We're not dealing with evil-genius Bond villains here. We caught him because he and his brother pulled their getaway car over to make a pit stop for Red Bull! "Enemy combatant." I'm not sure we should be trying him as an adult!
They had no escape plan, no disguises, and they got captured because they did not foresee that the Boston Marathon would be photographed.
Why call every murderer an "enemy combatant." It's like calling everyone in porn a "porn star." It just cheapens it for the real artists.
Just the term, "enemy combatant," romanticizes them too much. Do you remember how we used to think Bin Laden lived? This is how the London Times depicted his vast underground lair in November 2001. [slide shown] It's big enough for 1,000 men, with offices, computers, secret passages, generators, a Sam's Club.
Donald Rumsfeld was shown this rendering at the time and said, "Oh, there's not one of those. There are many of those." Actually, it turns out there was zero of those.
When the SEALs found Bin Laden, he wasn't living in a neocon version of Barbie's Dream House. He was in a two-story, stucco shit-box with a view of a farmer f**king a camel.
Let's not make the same mistake with two dickheads who made nail bombs out of pots and pans. You know who really gets it about these two? "Uncle Tonoose." Remember him? Let's listen to what he had to say about his nephews.
[CLIP SHOWN OF RUSLAN TSARNI, UNCLE OF BOSTON BOMBERS]
That guy! There you go! Let's acknowledge we've entered a new phase on the war on terror by renaming it the "War on Losers!"
After 9/11, we were shell-shocked. We didn't know what kind of enemy we were dealing with. But, twelve years later, we have a much better idea: losers, f**k-ups, idiots!
The Times Square Bomber couldn't make gasoline explode! And locked himself out of his car bomb.
The Shoe Bomber couldn't light his shoes on fire. The Underwear Bomber couldn't ignite his Underoos. Not to mention that he was traveling on a one-way ticket with no luggage, no money and no coat, going to Detroit in the winter. And his name was "Muhammad Kablooey."
The Liberty Seven were put away for their plan to blow up the Sears Building in Chicago, even though they didn't have a gun or a plan, and no one shops at Sears.
The Fort Dix Six filmed themselves filmed themselves shooting guns and shouting about Allah, and then were caught when they took the tape to Circuit City to have it transferred to DVD! I know it's hard to believe: someone went to Circuit City?!
So, I'm not saying we should let our guard down. But, our ever-expanding Homeland Security Department has gotten $790 billion since 9/11.
Bin Laden's plan wasn't to kill us all. It was to scare us into overreacting and destroying ourselves. Because if there's one thing those terrorists proved they can blow up, it's our balance sheet.
May 3, 2013