Bin Laden's plan wasn't to kill us all. It was to scare us into overreacting and destroying ourselves.
New Rule: Now that the first professional athlete in a major team sport has come out as gay, somebody at the Tony Awards has to come out as straight.
New Rule: No fighting on Mt. Everest. This week, climbers from three countries got into a brawl with their sherpas at 23,000 feet, in what's being called "the most exhausting fight of all time."
One guy landed a punch with his mitten, which the other guy didn't feel because of frostbite. And then they all died. The end.
New Rule: The Connecticut man whose home was recently found to be storing 300 one-gallon plastic jugs filled with his own urine has to admit he was just trying to get on a reality show on A&E called "Piss Hoarder Storage Shop."
New Rule: Now that scientists can prove that America's first settlers in 1607 chopped up and ate a 14-year-old girl, scientists need to stop doing that.
Jesus, IKEA's meatballs suddenly don't seem so bad, do they?
Let's just close the book on what most people would call a weird, shameful chapter in our history. And what Rand Paul would call "the free market at work."
New Rule: Since we have Viagra, the pill for erectile dysfunction, and now Osphena, the pill that helps lubricate post-menopausal women, we have to create "Eeew." The pill that paralyzes your eyes and ears for the length of a TV commercial.