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New Rules

New Rule: [slide: picture of Boston bombers' family] Don't withhold information. Someone could have saved us a weeklong national debate about what the hell went wrong with those bomber brothers by just showing us this picture. Oh, there it is: their parents were Amy Winehouse and Hitler!

New Rule: Someone has to tell Nevada State Senator Kelvin Atkinson who "came out" during a gay marriage debate, by announcing from the floor, "I'm black, I'm gay," that the black part wasn't a secret.  On the upside, you're no longer living a lie. On the downside, now Republicans have two reasons to not share the elevator with you.

New Rule: Mandatory sympathy for that anchorman in North Dakota who didn't know his mic was on right before his debut broadcast, and said, "F*cking sh*t" as his first words on TV. Give him a second chance. Do you remember last week? All anyone said was, "F*cking sh*t." Boston blew up, Texas blew up! And what blew up there was literally f*cking sh*t!

If you weren't saying, "F*cking sh*t last week, you weren't paying attention.

New Rule: Be a man. This is a cell phone shot of a guy at the Olive Garden getting out of an argument with his date by making a fort out of menus. The answer you're looking for isn't on the menu, friend, unless it says, "P*ssies eat free."

New Rule: Just drink, for crying out loud. [slide of vodka and box of tampons] There's a new teen trend called "slimming," where you get drunk by inserting a vodka-soaked tampon into your vagina. And you thought it was bad when you came home from a party and your parents smelled your breath!  Listen, kids, I know it sounds like a great deal, getting drunk off a tampon. But, believe me, there are strings attached.

I have yet to hear a Christian say they asked Jesus for forgiveness, and Jesus said, "No, I'm still really mad at you right now."

And, finally, New Rule: If South Carolina country folk can forgive Mark Sanford for a cheatin' and a lyin'on the Appalachian Trail, then Manhattan intellectuals can forgive Anthony Weiner for basically masturbating online. Or, as husbands call it, "Dont come in! I'm doing the bills!"

Ah, yeah. Yes, the political world has been abuzz this month with the news that Anthony Weiner is dipping a toe back into politics. At least we hope that's a toe. But, it's really not fair. Mark Sanford was having week-long, international f*ck-fiestas with the "girl from Ipanema," and he's already been forgiven. He won the primary for his old seat.

But, Weiner, who was really doing nothing more than asking Facebook people to "like" a picture of his junk has a future that's still very much in doubt. And it begs the question: why is redemption so much easier for Republicans than Democrats?

Well, simply put, it's because Republicans are the Christian party, and there's nothing evangelicals eat up like a redemption story. Which wasn't a surprise, because, as far as I can tell, Jesus has never turned anyone down. I have yet to hear a Christian say they asked Jesus for forgiveness, and Jesus said, "No, I'm still really mad at you right now."

Yes, Jesus is like Rihanna. No matter how bad you treat him, he still loves you.

And it works! Not only was Sanford given a pass, he was able to have his mistress with him at his side during his acceptance speech. Which I don't get, because his whole shtick is, "I sinned, I made a terrible mistake, it's the worst thing I ever did. And here she is now, everybody! Give her a big hand!"

And that's the great thing about being in the Christian party. When you screw up, you get to point to the sky and say, "There's only one perfect person who ever lived, and his name was Ronald Reagan."

"Oh, oh, and also Jesus, who hates sin, but loves sinners. So, he gave me a mulligan!"

But, Anthony Weiner? No Jesus mulligan for him. He's a Jew. He he can't receive forgiveness from an Almighty Father. He's got an Almighty Mother. You see, liberals don't get the religious "do-over" because their base doesn't buy that sh*t the way the Republican base does.

When Bill Clinton goes to a prayer breakfast, it's for the breakfast!

But, just maybe, maybe America has grown up since the Clinton fiasco. And it would be just in the nick of time. Because, thanks to the Internet and Instagram and Twitter and Chatroulette and Craig's List, America has revealed itself to be an entire nation of perverts.

The "d*ck pic" is the new business card.

Sending crotch shots is how millennials communicate with each other now.

Facebook should change its name to "SitOnMyFacebook."

[slides of Krystal Ball and husband at costume party] It's ridiculous, for example, that Krystal Ball had to have her political career ended simply because of these pictures of her at a Christmas party sucking her husband's nose.

I mean, come on, someday there's going to be a picture out there of everyone in America at least this bad.

This is the no-privacy age, people. And in the not-too-distant future, we will elect a president whose penis we have all seen. Please, God, just let it not be Chris Christie.

Episode 280

April 26, 2013