I have yet to hear a Christian say they asked Jesus for forgiveness, and Jesus said, "No, I'm still really mad at you right now."
New Rule: [slide: picture of Boston bombers' family] Don't withhold information. Someone could have saved us a weeklong national debate about what the hell went wrong with those bomber brothers by just showing us this picture. Oh, there it is: their parents were Amy Winehouse and Hitler!
New Rule: Someone has to tell Nevada State Senator Kelvin Atkinson who "came out" during a gay marriage debate, by announcing from the floor, "I'm black, I'm gay," that the black part wasn't a secret. On the upside, you're no longer living a lie. On the downside, now Republicans have two reasons to not share the elevator with you.
New Rule: Mandatory sympathy for that anchorman in North Dakota who didn't know his mic was on right before his debut broadcast, and said, "F*cking sh*t" as his first words on TV. Give him a second chance. Do you remember last week? All anyone said was, "F*cking sh*t." Boston blew up, Texas blew up! And what blew up there was literally f*cking sh*t!
If you weren't saying, "F*cking sh*t” last week, you weren't paying attention.
New Rule: Be a man. This is a cell phone shot of a guy at the Olive Garden getting out of an argument with his date by making a fort out of menus. The answer you're looking for isn't on the menu, friend, unless it says, "P*ssies eat free."
New Rule: Just drink, for crying out loud. [slide of vodka and box of tampons] There's a new teen trend called "slimming," where you get drunk by inserting a vodka-soaked tampon into your vagina. And you thought it was bad when you came home from a party and your parents smelled your breath! Listen, kids, I know it sounds like a great deal, getting drunk off a tampon. But, believe me, there are strings attached.