New Rule: In order to stay open, Mississippi's last remaining abortion clinic must change its name from the Jackson Women's Health Clinic to "Waffle House." And stay open, it must. There hasn't been a planned pregnancy in Mississippi since the end of prohibition. You close this clinic, all you're going to do is increase the world's supply of banjo players. [slide of banjo player from 'Deliverance']
New Rule: The Chinese man who had to have emergency surgery after inserting a 20-inch-long Asian swamp eel into his anus has to not do that anymore. The downside of being a swamp eel shoved up a Chinese guy's a** is obvious: you have to eat your way out through the colon. The upside is, on the way out, you get a fortune cookie!
New Rule: If Ultra-Orthodox Jews insist on wearing plastic bags on airplanes to remain pure when flying over cemeteries -- as these members of the Orthodox Cohen sect do -- then flight attendants must remind passengers that many bags containing Ultra-Orthodox Jews look alike. So, make sure the claim numbers match before exiting. And if you're traveling with a small Ultra-Orthodox Jewish child, put your bag on first, then suffocate your child.
And in the event of a water landing, you may be used as a flotation device.
New Rule: Sharon Osbourne doesn't have to apologize for leaving Ozzie because he started using drugs and alcohol again. But, she does have to explain how she could tell.
I'm not sure how Ozzie can prove he's sober, but he can start by posing for one picture where he's not choking someone. [series of slides of Ozzie choking various people] He's always choking people.
New Rule: John McCain has to try spending a Sunday morning with his family. Look, Senator, I'm with you, anything to avoid church. But, come on, it's Sunday morning. There's got to be an easier way to tell Lindsey Graham you don't want to cuddle.
New Rule: [slide of shirtless Iggy Pop] There is a time for everything. A time to be born and a time to die, a time to kill and a time to heal, and a time to put your damn shirt back on. One look at this and no one needs to ask the question, "Hey, I wonder what Iggy Pop's ball sack looks like."
And finally, New Rule: The number of backup dancers is in inverse proportion to the quality of the music. The Beatles, zero backup dancers. Katy Perry: seven dancers.
Some Australian band named Zoe that you've never heard of: 26 dancers.
And Kim Jong Un: 24 million dancers!
April 19, 2013