New Rule: Don't put pantyhose on your dog. [slide shown] Look, I get bored sometimes, too, but I'm telling you, we're trying to legalize weed!
I don't know which is more humiliating: you putting your dogs in these get-ups, or me offering to buy them a drink out of the toilet. I didn't offer them.
New Rule: If you don't want to know about the crap in IKEA's meat, stop sending it to the lab. It's like acting shocked when Nick Nolte's urine sample bursts into flames.
First we heard their beef meatballs contained horse. Now we hear their elk-meat lasagna contains pork. Okay, we get it: IKEA meat is anything that bleeds and runs slower than a Swedish guy with a saw.
New Rule: Now that Brad Paisley and LL Cool J have recorded a duet about racism, it's time to admit that sometimes segregation is a good thing.
Yes, they've recorded a duet called "Accidental Racist," or as I call it, "Ebony and Hillbilly." Bringing country fans and hip-hop fans together with their new CD, "Music for Unplanned Pregnancies."
New Rule: Don't drive 90 miles an hour while masturbating out the window. More? Okay. That's what William Blakely, the former vice-mayor of Mount Carmel, Tennessee, did, according to three different women. Bringing new meaning to the terms, "carjacking" and "drive-by shooting."
And, don't you hate it when you let the guy masturbating out his car window merge into your lane, and he doesn't give you the "thank you" wave?
New Rule: The man who bought this steroid-fed and blow-dried ferret...[slide]...at an Argentine market, thinking he was getting a great deal on a toy poodle, has to make me an offer...[he produces a man's black shoe]...on this solid gold gravy boat. How could you think this is a dog?! It doesn't even fit into pantyhose!