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New Rules

New Rule: Don't put pantyhose on your dog. [slide shown] Look, I get bored sometimes, too, but I'm telling you, we're trying to legalize weed!

I don't know which is more humiliating: you putting your dogs in these get-ups, or me offering to buy them a drink out of the toilet. I didn't offer them.

New Rule: If you don't want to know about the crap in IKEA's meat, stop sending it to the lab. It's like acting shocked when Nick Nolte's urine sample bursts into flames.

First we heard their beef meatballs contained horse. Now we hear their elk-meat lasagna contains pork. Okay, we get it: IKEA meat is anything that bleeds and runs slower than a Swedish guy with a saw.

New Rule: Now that Brad Paisley and LL Cool J have recorded a duet about racism, it's time to admit that sometimes segregation is a good thing.

Yes, they've recorded a duet called "Accidental Racist," or as I call it, "Ebony and Hillbilly." Bringing country fans and hip-hop fans together with their new CD, "Music for Unplanned Pregnancies."

New Rule: Don't drive 90 miles an hour while masturbating out the window. More? Okay. That's what William Blakely, the former vice-mayor of Mount Carmel, Tennessee, did, according to three different women. Bringing new meaning to the terms, "carjacking" and "drive-by shooting."

And, don't you hate it when you let the guy masturbating out his car window merge into your lane, and he doesn't give you the "thank you" wave?

New Rule: The man who bought this steroid-fed and blow-dried ferret...[slide]...at an Argentine market, thinking he was getting a great deal on a toy poodle, has to make me an offer...[he produces a man's black shoe]...on this solid gold gravy boat. How could you think this is a dog?! It doesn't even fit into pantyhose!

And finally, New Rule -- and this one goes out to "Kim Jong Pugsley" of North Korea. You can keep making all the crazy, saber-rattling threats you want, but the truth is, there's only one erratic Korean I'm afraid might kill me, and it's not you. It's the one driving next to me on the 405.

Now, I know I'm supposed to be freaking out because the North Koreans are about to test another missile. But, have you ever seen a North Korean rocket test? It doesn't even look like real rockets. They look like that thing the Russian cosmonauts were in when they crashed onto "Gilligan's Island." [slide shown]

The only thing Kim Jong Un ever conquered is a box of donuts. I am not worried about him. But, I do worry about America's military-industrial complex using any excuse to ramp up the war machine again.

Be careful, Mr. Kim. I know threatening the U.S. is fun, but the reason it could bite you in the ass is, with Afghanistan winding down, America is now dangerously close to not having a war.

And if you know our history, that is something we will not tolerate! Because when America doesn't have a war, it gets a little sad. It does. It gets a little introspective. We start contemplating stuff like poverty and schools and our crumbling infrastructure. And that's no f**king fun.

Just like we're the gun country, come on, we're the war people. We don't need a lot of encouragement. Have you ever met John McCain?  

Offering to go to war with the U.S. is like offering to go out for drinks with Lindsay Lohan.

We're already in the car!

Pre-emptive wars, just wars, wars of choice, wars of liberation, drug wars, wars we put on the credit card: anything with "war" in the title, we are so there.

We fought Mexico to steal Texas, Spain to steal the Philippines, and the Indians because no one had invented Iraq yet.

Just in my lifetime, we've invaded Vietnam, Cambodia, the Dominican Republic, Grenada, Panama, Bosnia, Iraq, Afghanistan, and Iraq again. That's when you know you're warmongers. When some countries are coming up twice.

Now, undoubtedly, some wars were necessary: the Revolutionary War, World War II, and despite it being "controversial" among libertarians, the Civil War. Like seeing that 'Lincoln' movie: no one wanted to do it, but it had to be done.

However, if you type "wars involving the U.S." into Wikipedia, the list is 32 pages long! We've been at it with somebody or another for 216 of our 237 years!

At some point, don't you have to look in the mirror and say, "Maybe it's me"?

Our defense budget uses up to 50% of our discretionary spending. And almost all of it since 9/11 has been on the layaway plan. By, 2020, we'll have spent a trillion dollars on Afghanistan and Iraq, just on the interest!

So, I'm sorry, North Korea. I know this sounds harsh, but, you're just going to have to kill yourself. Because, America needs to start defining peace as strength.

You know who the role model for every president should be? Jimmy Carter. Because he is the one out of all of them who figured out how to sit in office for four years and never fire a shot. And every president's negative example should be Dick Cheney, who even shot his friends in the face.

So, Hillary Clinton, I hope you're listening to this, and I hope you remember that the reason you lost your primary battle in 2008 was because you voted for the Iraq War, and some guy named Obama was smart enough to be against it.

And in your upcoming campaign...I mean, if there is one. Who knows? Anything could happen...I hope you know you don't have to run as an "Iron Lady." That was your mistake last time.

Because, what good is being the first female president, if you still have to be a dick?

Pre-emptive wars, just wars, wars of choice, wars of liberation, drug wars, wars we put on the credit card: anything with "war" in the title, we are so there.

Episode 278

April 12, 2013