New Rule: Both sides of the gun control debate have to come together and agree that you can't sell firearms or ammunition to anyone who looks like this. [slide of Adam Lanza] It won't stop every desperate loser with a chip on his shoulder, but it will keep guns out of the hands of Mitch McConnell. [slide of McConnell]
New Rule: Unless I crack open a can of Rockstar Energy Drink and cocaine comes pouring out, it's not what rockstars use for energy. Try Accounts Receivable Energy Drink! [slide shown]
New Rule: The cover of Time magazine shouldn't give me a boner. [slide of Time cover devoted to gay marriage] Come on, guys, print may be dead, but my penis isn't. I saw this at the grocery store and had to cover my crotch with a frozen pizza. Now I feel bad for whoever bought that pizza.
New Rule: [four slides of Kim Jong Un looking at things] North Korea's Kim Jong Un has to tell us what the hell he's always looking at. The caption of these pictures shouldn't be "Dear Leader Threatens War." It's "When in Hell is that Bus Coming?"
New Rule: Before I get my "snack on," Ruffles must explain which of their amped up barbecue potato chips is the most hardcore. [boxing bell rings] In this corner is Ruffles Max! A taste-tacular smokehouse-style flavor-gasm that will hickory-dickory dick-slap you into total submission.
And in the other corner, it's Ruffles Ultimate! And all-in-your-face salt-splosion that will bury itself balls-deep in your taste buds. And rough-ride them straight to New Snack City. Come on, I need to know who's the real deal here, or else I'll just have to buy a can of Pringles. [Ruffles bags explode to reveal Pringles can] "Ultra-Mega Bada** Motherf**ker Take-No-Sh** Sour Cream & Onion." Those are real products.