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New Rules

New Rule: [Slide of Obamas with costumed Easter Bunny] It won't save much money, but go ahead and cancel the White House Easter Egg Roll...or "reach-around" or whatever is happening in this picture.

Newt Gingrich tweeted that canceling the Roll is "shameless and pathetic, because when you don't commemorate Jesus by screwing around with food, freedom dies." And then, to honor eggs everywhere, he fell off a wall.

And while we're on the subject, I need to know what the lawn has to do with eggs, what eggs have to do with Easter, what Easter has to do with bunnies, and why this rabbit looks so much like Taylor Swift. [slides of Easter Bunny and Taylor Swift]

New Rule: When someone finally scores a goal in soccer, don't ruin it with a Nazi salute. Yes, this was the goal celebration of a young, Greek player last week. Then again, with all the money the Germans have spent bailing out Greece, maybe this is just his way of saying "thank you."

New Rule: [slides of "Satan" and President Obama] Stop saying the producers of 'The Bible' cast this guy as "Satan" because he resembles Obama. Right-wing nuts are not subtle like that.

They don't hint around. If, tomorrow morning, Obama announced, "I am Lucifer, the Fallen One, Prince of Darkness, Father of Lies, Son of Perdition, King of the Bottomless Pit," Laura Ingraham would go, "He's hiding something."

New Rule: Blockbuster has to get in touch with its anger and express what it's really thinking. [slide of Blockbuster store with "Store Closing" sign, then sign changes to "F**k You, Netflix"] Go ahead, Blockbuster, let it out. That doesn't feel better.

New Rule: Stop doing this. [slide of two hands forming a "heart" shape] If you want to show me that you love me with your hands, I can think of a better way.

And, finally, New Rule: The news media has to stop all this ridiculous, over-the-top coverage of the "Virgin Bachelor." [slide of magazine cover with "Virgin Bachelor" story] No, not that one. This one: [slide of Time magazine cover with photo of new pope]

Now, I've got to tell you, I have just about had it with the press squealing in delight at every mundane thing the new pope does. "Ooh, look, he walked across the street!" "He picked the name Francis!" "He shook hands." Oh, f**k, he's a 76-year-old executive who got a promotion. They act like he's a baby who just made a boom-boom.

In his first Tweet, the new pope asked everybody to pray for him, and the media was blown away. Wow, prayer, I never saw that coming. So out of the box. He is amazing.

And, did you hear, he used the bus? It's like we're all suddenly living in a papal tabloid. [slides of magazine covers with headlines Bill reads] "Popes: They're just like us!" "They like riding with the top down!" "They enjoy gossip!" "They put up with Joe Biden!"

Look, there are over a billion Catholics...just on the back of my gardener's truck.

So, I get it that this is a legitimate news story, but can we at least stop saying that the job of pope is so hard, such a burden no one would even want it? What?!

Okay, first of all, you're selling an invisible product. It doesn't get any easier than that.

No one is ever going to come back from the dead and say, "Ah, it's bullsh** up there; there's no heaven." "It's just an empty lot." 

Hard job? All a pope does is talk, and everything you say is right, by definition.

And you're there for life. Talk about tenure.

And what other business could you be in where your company gets caught running a child sex ring since forever, and you still keep your customers?

And that is the advantage of being around for 2,000 years. You know, people think all the Church's rules and traditions come right from Jesus. But, almost none of them do. The Catholic Church has basically always done what we do here at "Real Time." It's a bunch of guys sitting around making up "New Rules."

For example: New Rule: Confession. Jesus never said anything about confession, even thought of it. They pulled that out of their a** in the 12th century.

Just like they did with...New Rule: Women can't be priests. That's also not in the Bible.

Neither is celibacy for priests. We didn't have that until the fourth century, and even then, priests could still get married; they just couldn't have sex. Like regular marriage.

Jesus also never said anything about a pope, let alone that he should live in a palace and get carried around in a chair like Liz Taylor in "Cleopatra."

Or, papal infallibility! Another rectum-derived edict that came in the year 1870. It's an eternal truth that's eleven years younger than the escalator.

I remember the New Rule they made up when I was a little Catholic boy. Okay, first we had New Rule: No meat on Fridays. And then one day -- and I do mean "one day" -- the pope went, "Uh, this just in...Hold on, I'm getting something...New Rule: Meat okay on Fridays!" I mean, the whole thing is just so shamelessly made up as they go along.

Or, how about this whopper? New Rule: Not only does God have a son, who is really Him, but there's also a -- [does air quotes] -- "Holy Ghost" in there, and they're all one person called the "Trinity." A Catholic monk named Tertullian made up the "Holy Ghost" in the third century. And after that... "It is true."

I tell you, religion, it's like Wikipedia. Anyone can write something in.

Newt Gingrich tweeted that canceling the Roll is "shameless and pathetic, because when you don't commemorate Jesus by screwing around with food, freedom dies." And then, to honor eggs everywhere, he fell off a wall.

Episode 276

March 22, 2013