New Rule: [Slide of Obamas with costumed Easter Bunny] It won't save much money, but go ahead and cancel the White House Easter Egg Roll...or "reach-around" or whatever is happening in this picture.
Newt Gingrich tweeted that canceling the Roll is "shameless and pathetic, because when you don't commemorate Jesus by screwing around with food, freedom dies." And then, to honor eggs everywhere, he fell off a wall.
And while we're on the subject, I need to know what the lawn has to do with eggs, what eggs have to do with Easter, what Easter has to do with bunnies, and why this rabbit looks so much like Taylor Swift. [slides of Easter Bunny and Taylor Swift]
New Rule: When someone finally scores a goal in soccer, don't ruin it with a Nazi salute. Yes, this was the goal celebration of a young, Greek player last week. Then again, with all the money the Germans have spent bailing out Greece, maybe this is just his way of saying "thank you."
New Rule: [slides of "Satan" and President Obama] Stop saying the producers of 'The Bible' cast this guy as "Satan" because he resembles Obama. Right-wing nuts are not subtle like that.
They don't hint around. If, tomorrow morning, Obama announced, "I am Lucifer, the Fallen One, Prince of Darkness, Father of Lies, Son of Perdition, King of the Bottomless Pit," Laura Ingraham would go, "He's hiding something."
New Rule: Blockbuster has to get in touch with its anger and express what it's really thinking. [slide of Blockbuster store with "Store Closing" sign, then sign changes to "F**k You, Netflix"] Go ahead, Blockbuster, let it out. That doesn't feel better.
New Rule: Stop doing this. [slide of two hands forming a "heart" shape] If you want to show me that you love me with your hands, I can think of a better way.