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New Rules

New Rule: No one who eats salt-and-vinegar potato chips gives a damn if they're made with sea salt. It's not health food and they're not health-conscious consumers. "Sea salt potato chips! Look for them in the organic food section of your gas station. Next to the gluten-free crack."

New Rule: If you have things on your keychain that are bigger than the "smart car," it's not really a car. Yes, the smart car is light-weight, fuel-efficient and quiet. But, it also has its drawbacks like that awkward moment when you hit Chris Christie in a crosswalk, and he asks if you're okay.

New Rule: Christie Harris, the jailed Oklahoma woman discovered to have a loaded gun hidden in her vagina, and a bag of meth stuffed up her a**, has to get a purse. It's a rule. These are rules.

New Rule: Scientists have to develop a banana that doesn't go from perfectly ripe to a black, gooey mess in five minutes. You just can't trust bananas. They're the fruit version of a bipolar girlfriend.

One minute, they're like, "Eat me, eat me!" and the next, they're all, "Don't you dare touch me!"

And all those bruises! I didn't make those. I think whenever I leave a banana alone, it gets depressed and starts cutting itself.

New Rule: Bed store owners must stop referring to mattress sales as "mattress events." Sorry, but a mattress event is what causes you to go out and buy a new mattress.

And finally, New Rule: If your conservative advocacy group is demanding that Geico pull this ad because the depiction, as a joke, of course, of a woman on a date with a cartoon pig might encourage bestiality while you're also demanding that Skittles remove this ad where a woman kisses a walrus because it may -- yes, you guessed it -- encourage bestiality, you have to ask yourself this: aren't you thinking a little too much about bestiality?

I mean, seriously, if I'm the depraved Hollywood liberal, how come when I see these ads, I don't think, "Oh, bestiality, you forbidden fruit, how you tempt me!?" Not even a little.

But, you, wholesome Christian do-gooder, see this and think, "Please, Jesus, give me the strength to not f**k my cat."

Now...I only bring this up because the Christian pressure group responsible for protesting these ads is called "One Million Moms," and they are an example of a much larger problem we need to deal with, a problem I call "Sh**-kicker inflation." Which is the phenomenon of all things conservative being portrayed as way bigger than they really are.

To wit, I looked up "One Million Moms" on Twitter, and the number of followers they have is 2,258. That's how many my Aunt Marjorie has, and she's got one post, and it says, "Is this thing working?"

And "Million Moms" are not alone in pretending they're not alone. The Catholic League is another group constantly in the news because they also love to get freaked out about nonsense that would make even Pat Robertson go, "Oh, for Christ's sakes, relax!"

Now, a recent study found that politicians in both parties consistently thought that their constituents were much more conservative than they actually were. And that's because there's a relatively small group of very shrill people devoted to and succeeding at convincing us that this is a much more conservative and religious nation than it is.

Americans, for example, don't hate socialism. They just can't define it. Even though it's kind of right in the name "Social Security." Which even Tea Partiers do not want to cut.

Same thing with Obamacare. As an idea, it's unpopular. But, ask voters about the elements in it, they're all very popular. It's like saying, "I hate pizza!...I love tomato sauce and melted cheese on dough, but, pizza, I hate that sh**!"

Same with guns! We found out this week that gun ownership is actually down in this country. Way down. And yet the NRA, with just four million members, has a stranglehold on the gun policies in a nation of 300 million.

This misreading of where the public really is explains why at this moment, a cross-section of Republican politicians are at CPAC delivering a simple message to the right-wingers who keep losing them elections. And that message is: "Whatever you do, don't change."

Among the featured speakers at CPAC this year, include Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Rick Santorum, Wayne LaPierre, Donald Trump and Sarah Palin. A virtual who's-who of what-the-f**k.

And...the convention is still going on, so I won't presume to know everything that's going to be said at this open-mic from hell, but...Oh, screw it, yes, I do know. I know exactly what'll be said, because it's exactly what they always say.

They will get up, one after another, and say that they speak for the vast majority of real Americans who hate socialism and own guns and feel their values are under attack.

Except they don't speak for the vast majority of Americans, or a majority at all. They're just so loud they haven't noticed that America has moved on without them. They're like a nasty, old man still b**ching about the kids who keep hitting the ball into his yard...even though those kids have grown up and moved away.

And he's still the senior senator from Arizona.

Bed store owners must stop referring to mattress sales as "mattress events." Sorry, but a mattress event is what causes you to go out and buy a new mattress.

Episode 275

March 15, 2013