New Rule: No one who eats salt-and-vinegar potato chips gives a damn if they're made with sea salt. It's not health food and they're not health-conscious consumers. "Sea salt potato chips! Look for them in the organic food section of your gas station. Next to the gluten-free crack."
New Rule: If you have things on your keychain that are bigger than the "smart car," it's not really a car. Yes, the smart car is light-weight, fuel-efficient and quiet. But, it also has its drawbacks like that awkward moment when you hit Chris Christie in a crosswalk, and he asks if you're okay.
New Rule: Christie Harris, the jailed Oklahoma woman discovered to have a loaded gun hidden in her vagina, and a bag of meth stuffed up her a**, has to get a purse. It's a rule. These are rules.
New Rule: Scientists have to develop a banana that doesn't go from perfectly ripe to a black, gooey mess in five minutes. You just can't trust bananas. They're the fruit version of a bipolar girlfriend.
One minute, they're like, "Eat me, eat me!" and the next, they're all, "Don't you dare touch me!"
And all those bruises! I didn't make those. I think whenever I leave a banana alone, it gets depressed and starts cutting itself.
New Rule: Bed store owners must stop referring to mattress sales as "mattress events." Sorry, but a mattress event is what causes you to go out and buy a new mattress.