New Rule: If you buy the new hybrid electric Ferrari, fuck you. [laughter] A one-million-dollar hybrid? That ought to impress the hippie chick selling soap at the farmers' market. Finally, the car for a billionaire who wants his carbon footprint to be as small as his penis.
New Rule: You have to commit an actual crime to be a criminal. Now, much has been made of New York's so-called "cannibal cop," the Big Apple policeman who, yes, frequented a website where he fantasized about kidnaping and eating women. And, yes, he named actual women he'd like to kill and eat. And, yes, he met personally with one of them. And, yes, it says on the side of his squad car, "To Protect and Serve...Over Rice." But, remember, no actual crime - oh, screw it. Put this sick fuck behind bars.
New Rule: The tabloids must stop obsessing over whether the royal baby is a boy or a girl. The important thing is that the parents make sure Prince Harry is sober when they hand him the kid. [slide of naked Prince Harry en flagrante with a red star covering his backside] And, I'm not doctor, but Harry should have someone take a look at that red star on his ass. Don't get me wrong. I think Harry will make a great drunk uncle. I'm just saying, in this day and age, you have to be very careful about who you leave your kids with. [slide of Pope with young child]
New Rule: George and Barbara Bush must admit they made a mistake and should have named George "Jeb" and Jeb "George." Because, let's face it, Jeb looks like a guy named George. And George looks like an idiot named "Jeb."
New Rule: [three slides of Bob Menendez with his fingers near his mouth or nose] New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez must do a better job explaining his prostitution scandal. I want to believe him, that all the hookers are lying. But, if he wants us to stop asking about them, he has to stop smelling his fingers.
New Rule: The scientist that discovered the fossilized remains of a giant camel in the Canadian Arctic must also explain how a snowy owl flew all the way to Washington, D.C. to meet and marry Newt Gingrich. [slides of snowy owl and Mrs. Newt Gingrich]
All right, and finally, New Rule: [slides of Michelle Obama] If seeing this nice lady on TV saying she likes the movies or nutrition or exercise fills you with rage...get help.
"New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez must do a better job explaining his prostitution scandal. I want to believe him, that all the hookers are lying. But, if he wants us to stop asking about them, he has to stop smelling his fingers."
March 8, 2013