Please update your flash player...

New Rules

New Rule: Now that it's been announced that former Pope Joseph Ratzinger will no longer be able to wear his trademark red shoes, someone has to explain how I'm supposed to know who's tapping at me from the next stall.

New Rule: Whether it's from a balcony during Mardi Gras, [slides of bare-breasted women] in a bar over spring break, or on the red carpet at the Oscars...[slide of woman in extremely low-cut gown]...flashing your tits is flashing your tits...

New Rule: Someone has to explain why every ragtag army from every sh*thole country on the planet drives a Toyota truck. Does Toyota sponsor Al Qaeda? Because, I've got to say this ad campaign is totally working on me. These Toyotas are from 1977, and they're still hauling entire bands of militants from Karachi to the Khyber Pass. And I just need to make it up Laurel Canyon!

New Rule: Panhandler have to understand that when I give you money, I'm paying you not to touch me. That's why I extended the dollar length-wise. If I wanted to contract a mysterious disease...I'd take a Carnival cruise.

New Rule: Rednecks can go on all they want about the Oscars just being a gathering of idiot liberal elitists. But, at least at the Oscars, there's no chance of a car engine flying into the stands. [slide of NASCAR wreck]

And, finally, New Rule: If you're one of the millions of Californians who voted against labeling genetically-modified foods, you can't complain when it turns out there's horsemeat in your hamburger and your sushi is made out of lost cats and condoms.

You said you didn't want to know. Now, lap that sh*t up!

Yeah, it's been big news the last couple of weeks that the food supply is not what it appears to be. I hate to break it to you haute cuisiners, but did you know that your Chilean sea bass is neither Chilean, nor bass, nor from the sea?  It's koi from the pond out front that the valet guys piss in.

And your mahi-mahi is really made of mercury-drenched bottom-feeders like tilefish that squirm along the ocean floor, eat feces and occasionally provide legal representation for Donald Trump.

And if you like sushi, you really don't know what you're eating, because those fish are mislabeled 74% of the time. Which is really scary, because I can deal if the tuna in my tuna roll isn't tuna, but what the f*ck is the eel?

And then there's IKEA. Now, I didn't even know you could eat there. But, you can. And this week, we found out that their Swedish meatballs are a little too "Seabiscuit-y." Challenging all of our cherished notions about the integrity of food served at furniture stores.

Sure, I was there buying a forty-buck, prefabricated bookshelf made of compressed sawdust and vinyl, but I didn't think they'd try to sell me something cheap!

All of which made me think about last year when Californians rejected the GMO law, Prop. 37, the one that said if food was genetically modified, it should just say so on the label!

To which people said, "No thanks...GMO? More like TMI!"

You know, folks, if we really don't want to know, why don't we take all the labels off entirely and replace them with just, "sugary sh*t," "salty sh*t" and "cool ranch sh*t with extra sh*t"?

And this is why I find it so strange that the idea of eating horsemeat is freaking people out. It's not as if horses are more cuddly than cows. I mean, true, they'll let you sit on their backs, but cows allow you to yank on their titties.

I'm just saying, if you're willing to eat an animal that'll let you get to second base, you'll eat anything.

Especially when you consider that 50 other countries require GMO labeling, including most of Europe, Japan, Australia, India, Saudi Arabia, China. That's right, China! A country that puts melamine, a chemical fire retardant, in their baby formula. Which sounds irresponsible, but, come on, when was the last time you saw a Chinese baby catch on fire?

But, hey, let's look at the silver lining. It's actually a good thing Americans don't care what they put in their mouth. Because, in the future, thanks to overpopulation and over-fishing and global warming, and Chris Christie we're running out of the food we DO like to eat.

You know, one reason why there's so much fish mislabeling now is because they don't have the heart to tell you the fish you like are gone. Eighty-five percent of the world's fisheries are either fully exploited, over-exploited or collapsed.

You know where fisherman can no longer find cod? Off of Cape Cod. That's like going to Hooters and finding out all the waitresses are flat-chested.

If we don't fix how we grow food, and don't stop turning the oceans into a carbon sink for coal, we're going to have to learn to eat all the few gnarly, maggoty things that can survive mankind.

Your grandkids will grow up dreaming of getting some horsemeat while they munch down on their "McPlankton Sandwich."

"Run home, Anthony! It's Wednesday, and everybody knows Wednesday is 'algae and caterpillar day'"!

So, enjoy eating your chemically-processed crap now, America, because it won't be long before lunch is dung beetles and Soylent Green. And when all that runs out, I'm afraid it's Papa John's.

You know where fisherman can no longer find cod? Off of Cape Cod. That's like going to Hooters and finding out all the waitresses are flat-chested.

Episode 273

March 1, 2013