New Rule: Now that it's been announced that former Pope Joseph Ratzinger will no longer be able to wear his trademark red shoes, someone has to explain how I'm supposed to know who's tapping at me from the next stall.
New Rule: Whether it's from a balcony during Mardi Gras, [slides of bare-breasted women] in a bar over spring break, or on the red carpet at the Oscars...[slide of woman in extremely low-cut gown]...flashing your tits is flashing your tits...
New Rule: Someone has to explain why every ragtag army from every sh*thole country on the planet drives a Toyota truck. Does Toyota sponsor Al Qaeda? Because, I've got to say this ad campaign is totally working on me. These Toyotas are from 1977, and they're still hauling entire bands of militants from Karachi to the Khyber Pass. And I just need to make it up Laurel Canyon!
New Rule: Panhandler have to understand that when I give you money, I'm paying you not to touch me. That's why I extended the dollar length-wise. If I wanted to contract a mysterious disease...I'd take a Carnival cruise.
New Rule: Rednecks can go on all they want about the Oscars just being a gathering of idiot liberal elitists. But, at least at the Oscars, there's no chance of a car engine flying into the stands. [slide of NASCAR wreck]