New Rule: Whoever hacked into George Bush's emails to expose his self-portrait also has to go into Dick Cheney's to show us his. [slide of black-hooded demon-mask wearing figure]
New Rule: Someone has to tell Marco Rubio something I learned a long time ago: never get high before a show. You wind up making no sense, and you develop a bad case of cotton mouth.
Plus, the next time Rubio panders by Latinos by releasing an all-Spanish version of his speech, when he stops for a water break, he has to drink from the hose. [doctored slide of Rubio with hose]
New Rule: If Lil' Kim continues with this weird transformation from "strong black sister" to "crazy Asian lady," she must change her name to "Kim Jong Illin."
Also, after Michael Jackson turned white, and now this, other races must give some of their pop stars to the black community, starting with "Justin Biebro." [slide of Justin Bieber with Afro]
New Rule: [slide of Senators, McCain, Schumer, Graham] Senator Lindsey Graham must stop blowing off rehearsal. Come on, Lindsey, the choreography is not that complicated. It's "point," then "the hitchhike," pivot, chest-bump, crotch-grab, jazz hands. And if this is what bipartisanship looks like, I'll stick with the gridlock.
Sorry, but this doesn't say, "We represent the United States of America." [slide of Munchkins] It says, "We represent the Lollipop Guild."
New Rule: Rand Paul must either admit he wears a toupee or explain why pubic hair is growing out of his head. Man, you know you've got a bad rug when it doesn't even look real in a painting! [slide of painting of Rand Paul]
Man, even your dad's fake eyebrow is thinking, "What is up with that hair?!"
And, finally, New Rule: Hey, Catholics, news flash! If the pope can quit, it's okay for you to quit, too.
Now...as you all know, this week, Pope Benedict told Vatican Radio -- you know, Vatican Radio, playing the hits from the 8th century, 9th century and today -- Benedict told them he was going to resign because the Church needs a fresh, young face, somewhere other than a priest's lap.
Now, the pope's decision leaves so many questions unanswered. Is he resigning to hide something? Who will replace him? Will the Church try to modernize? All of which are interesting questions. Just not to me. I, and millions like me, just don't care. Which is good news, because it means that the institution of the Catholic Church is losing its importance and dying off just like Moose Lodges and the Masons; Blockbuster and moderate Republicans.
And how could it not be? Every poll of American Catholics shows they find most Vatican teachings to be irrelevant. Catholics use birth control. They get divorced. They have premarital sex. They masturbate. Sometimes all in one night.
The typical Catholic these days doesn't look like this. [slide of devout matron praying] She looks like this. [slide of Madonna in performance]
And, maybe Benedict realized that he'd just become a figurehead like Queen Elizabeth in a better dress. And, by telling his flock, "I'm getting too old for this sh**," he's actually ahead of the game. Maybe it's time for American Catholics to ask if they're getting too old for this sh**.
I mean, if you're Catholic but you don't follow anything the Church says, what are you staying for? The stained glass windows?
It's okay to let go. No one can fault you for losing faith in an organization that won't even allow women as priests, because, the reasoning goes, Jesus didn't have any female apostles. Yeah, you remember the Last Supper: a total sausage party.
The fact is that any enterprise that excludes women almost always descends into sexual deviancy. At least at my bathhouse.
Whether it's the Boy Scouts, the Penn State locker room or on Wall Street, sooner or later, a bunch of innocent folks get f**ked.
Show me any culture that's traditionally hostile to women, and I will show you a culture that is screwed up. Like the Taliban. Like our military with its enormous rape problem. And like the Catholic Church.
This Church needs a woman pope. Hillary Clinton just finished up her stint as Secretary of State. Oh, yeah. Maybe "Pope Hillary" could clean up the Church. If there's anyone who knows how to handle a guy who can't keep his hands to himself, it's her.
And, if Hillary won't do it: "Poprah!" [slide of Oprah in papal vestments] Jesus turned water into wine. Oprah whines about retaining water.
Plus, she's practiced at hearing confessions, [slide of Oprah with Lance Armstrong] and of course, she's celibate. [slide of Oprah with Stedman].
And, if she won't do it, I have one more candidate. No, not a woman, but someone born and raised Catholic. Yes, of course, I'm talking about me.
Why me?! Well, I have this hat. Plus, everybody has always known I have absolutely no interest in children whatsoever.
And, of course, I can provide my own white puff of smoke.
Show me any culture that's traditionally hostile to women, and I will show you a culture that is screwed up.
February 15, 2013