New Rule: Whoever hacked into George Bush's emails to expose his self-portrait also has to go into Dick Cheney's to show us his. [slide of black-hooded demon-mask wearing figure]
New Rule: Someone has to tell Marco Rubio something I learned a long time ago: never get high before a show. You wind up making no sense, and you develop a bad case of cotton mouth.
Plus, the next time Rubio panders by Latinos by releasing an all-Spanish version of his speech, when he stops for a water break, he has to drink from the hose. [doctored slide of Rubio with hose]
New Rule: If Lil' Kim continues with this weird transformation from "strong black sister" to "crazy Asian lady," she must change her name to "Kim Jong Illin."
Also, after Michael Jackson turned white, and now this, other races must give some of their pop stars to the black community, starting with "Justin Biebro." [slide of Justin Bieber with Afro]
New Rule: [slide of Senators, McCain, Schumer, Graham] Senator Lindsey Graham must stop blowing off rehearsal. Come on, Lindsey, the choreography is not that complicated. It's "point," then "the hitchhike," pivot, chest-bump, crotch-grab, jazz hands. And if this is what bipartisanship looks like, I'll stick with the gridlock.
Sorry, but this doesn't say, "We represent the United States of America." [slide of Munchkins] It says, "We represent the Lollipop Guild."
New Rule: Rand Paul must either admit he wears a toupee or explain why pubic hair is growing out of his head. Man, you know you've got a bad rug when it doesn't even look real in a painting! [slide of painting of Rand Paul]
Man, even your dad's fake eyebrow is thinking, "What is up with that hair?!"