New Rule: [slide of various young male pop singers] The producers of this weekend's Grammy Awards must acknowledge the latest pop music trend by creating a new Grammy category: Best Male Vocalist With a Lesbian Haircut.
New Rule: In order to reduce the anti-Americanism caused by our drone strikes, from now on, the drones must play the same song as the ice cream truck. [sound of ice cream truck jingle] Sure, we're still going to rain fire on them from the sky, but at least now their last thought will be, "Ooh, ice cream!"
New Rule: If you were really upset that kids had to see Beyonce wearing that skimpy outfit at the Super Bowl, then I have to warn you about an even scarier place called "the beach." [slide of young people in revealing swimwear]
New Rule: [slide of new high-tech dress] The designer of the new Intimacy 2.0 sensor dress that turns transparent when the wearer gets sexually aroused...has to think it through a little more. I know you imagine your date getting horny, and suddenly she's practically naked. But, what's going to happen is she'll see a sale on shoes, and everybody at Nordstrom's will get to see her tits.
New Rule: [slide of Richard III computer facial reconstruction] If you're going to take the skeletal remains of Richard III and recreate what his face would have looked like, it can't look like a lesbian judge Obama wants to nominate for the Supreme Court. I'm sorry, but this doesn't say, "A horse! My kingdom for a horse!" It says, "Has anyone seen my cat?"